vide infra

I finally saw Apocalypto

2008-07-28T09:20:00.002-04:00

I am sure there is a list of things to say about Mel Gibson.

On that list better be the fact that he can direct one hell of an action movie.

Wanted: Nemesis

2008-07-07T12:02:00.005-04:00

I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 36 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a job that pays the bills.

But something is missing.

I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine before its too late and I find myself unable to become excited at all. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. Sure, an addiction would fit the bill, but, it is a little late for me to be "experimenting" with drugs and it is just not my style.

What I need is a nemesis.

I need someone to steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when I'm running to catch the train and occasionally exclaim: "Ahha, we meet again." That sort of thing. Just keep me on my toes as complacency will be the death of me.

As my potential nemesis, you will need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile, cunning and manic dedication to thwarting my daily efforts. Mercilessness is a plus, especially if you have adopted it as a cognomen, e.g., "Mike the Merciless." Further, if you choose the "hands on" approach, hand-to-hand combat skills are a must. Evil laugh mandatory, British accent preferred.

Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

EOE

Read the Article

2008-06-26T15:09:00.004-04:00

http://stuff.co.nz/4598088a5620.html

Quick Note

2008-06-25T07:46:00.002-04:00

How awesome would it be to be riding an adult-sized one of these to work every day?

New Feature - Friendly Greetings

2008-06-06T09:13:00.008-04:00

The "Fist Bump" has gained some recent media attention. I figured that the world needed some guidance concerning the nature of various friendly greetings and how they should be executed.

No, no... really... no thanks needed, I do it for the sake of us all.

Let us start with the "fist bump."

The Fist Bump

History: The fist bump has several different names (e.g. fist pound, "big up," "respect knucks"). However, its origin seems to be localized to the Caribbean, particularly Jamaica. It has gained universal prominence and is widely accepts as an "informal" method of hand salutation.

Execution: The execution of a fist bump is fairly simple. With a horizontal forearm (or whole arm, depending upon the distance from the bumpee) a closed fist is extended toward the recipient. The fist can be either knuckles up, simulating a punch, or knuckles facing outward, as if the hand is grasping a beer mug. Once the fists make contact on the surface of the fist defined by the area bounded by the Pisiform bone and Trapezoid bone on the upper extreme and the distal portions of the second through fifth metacarpal bones, the fist is withdrawn and the fist released to an open handed position. The moment of the fist "bump" can be accompanied by auditory simulation of crashing noises (e.g. "kshsh").

A variation of the fist bump is executed by "mashing" the top of the recipient's hand as defined by the first and second metacarpal and distal phalanx bones with the fleshy portion of the hand which lies over the abductor minimi digiti muscle. A depiction of this alternative fist bump is provided below:

Commentary: The fist bump is the preferred method of hand salutation by germophobes. As a result, it should be disfavored by the normal people of the world. Notwithstanding this fact, the fist bump remains popular among young people or old people trying to appear young, i.e. "hip". Its popularity among young people can easily be attributed to the well-documented desire of young persons to be dissuaded from adopting the mannerisms of "old people" (e.g. the common handshake). Its popularity among old people trying to look young is more complex, but, research reveals this trend has a statistically significant relation to the sales of "reunion tour" tickets. Notwithstanding the foregoing, there are limited situations in which the fist bump can be properly utilized without shame. These situations are generally limited to those in which equipment is being worn on the hands which make proper hand salutary gestures impossible (e.g. hockey games, boxing matches). However, you may always utilize this form of greeting if you are a Wonder Twin.

Rules of fist bumping:

1. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Otherwise you risk being classified as "old trying to be young." As corollary to this rule, you may never fist bump during a business meeting, even if your office had adopted the "business causal" attire rules.
2. Fist bumping is forbidden in hospitals (including doctor's offices), funeral homes and houses of worship.
3. Do not fist bump the misfortune of others.
4. Do not fist bump children. Hopefully, by not passing this gesture to them, it will die out.
5. Do not offer a fist bump as an opening greeting in a job interview.
6. Women can fist bump anytime they want, especially if it violates rules 1-2, this is because when women do it, it is really cute.
7. Regardless of your feeling toward the gesture, never refuse a fist bump. Moreover, if you believe a fist bump has been offered to you in violation of any rule, the fist bump must be executed out of sight from surrounding persons. Afterward, you must inform the offending fist bump offeror as to the rules of fist bumping.
8. Do not fist bump "over" or "across" anyone unless you first offer a fist bump to that person.
9. The thumb must always remain tightly drawn in during any fist bump.
10. The force of a fist bump is directly proportional to the amount of padding you are wearing on your hand at the time of the fist bump.

Red Wings Win

2008-06-05T08:05:00.003-04:00

For the fourth time in 11 seasons the Stanley Cup has returned to Hockeytown! Can't say I am surprised, but, damn if the refs weren't trying to tip the scales to even the playing field on this series.

Harvey Korman - R.I.P.

2008-05-30T07:52:00.010-04:00

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I can see Tim Conway coming up to the coffin at the wake, looking at the body for a second too long, and Harvey Korman starting to laugh.

P.S. Too many memories of this guy to leave it at that:

Harvey Korman: One please... Uhh... Student?
St. Peter: Are you kidding?
Harvey Korman: Pain in the ass.

P.P.S. Yes, I know he did not write his own jokes in the movies I love him in. However, a less talented comedian would have simply said the lines and the jokes would have had to carry their own weight. Korman was one of those guys who takes a written comedy script, adds himself to it, and makes it even funnier. It takes a lot of talent to say "Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise" as a straight man. He had that type of talent.

An expressive rendition...

2008-05-21T12:48:00.005-04:00

The Sex and the City movie is coming out soon.

I do not think I can put into words how much I loathe this concept. I mean, when I hear the music, I get sick. Nothing, NOTHING can convince me that I will actually enjoy seeing the Four Whores-women of the Metropolis on the big screen.

However, by way of an expressive rendition, I will show you how I would feel if I had to watch it:
That is all.

P.S. Yes, darling, that was for you, so, don't even ask.

The most important thing to learn about Modern Adult Life

2008-05-15T10:00:00.002-04:00

The most important thing about Modern Adult Life I have come to learn is that it consists primarily of doing shit for other people when you can think of a million better things to do with your life.

"It is what it is"

2008-05-08T15:55:00.002-04:00

Next time you hear someone say this, do me a favor, punch them in the face.

It's OK.

I give you permission.

To anyone who uses this phrase, Aristotle, over 2,000 years ago, developed "formal logic." Its three basic laws are 1) the "law of identity" (a thing is always equal to itself, or A equals A); 2) the "law of contradiction" (if a thing is always identical with itself, it cannot be different from itself, or if A equals A, it can never equal non-A); and 3)the "law of excluded middle" (everything must be either one of two things; when two opposing statements confront one another, both cannot be true or false; the correctness of one implies the incorrectness of its contrary).

These inseparable laws are the axioms of Aristotle's system of thought and are the foundational underpin of everything that is based or grounded in logic.

By saying "it is what it is" are you trying to convince me that the law of identity is true?

Really?

Things I never thought I would hear myself say:

2008-05-05T13:11:00.004-04:00

People who poop on the floor do NOT get to yell at their sister for being bad!

P.S. This occurred on the day of the Kentucky Derby. Perhaps this was an oracular event as Big Brown won the race?

Newsflash: Farts are intrinsically funny

2008-04-23T10:08:00.005-04:00

The boy is 2.

Somehow, someway, he has come to the conclusion that farts are funny.

I never reinforced farting as being funny. In fact, whenever he does it, I make him say "excuse me." Notwithstanding, he has come to his own conclusion that farts are funny. E.g., whenever he takes a bath, he will squat down to wet his butt, stand up and fart. You see, the water on the butt augments the "flap-flap-flap-flap" sound of farting. After letting a nice one loose, he will laugh and say "I fawted," and laugh again. This has led me to the conclusion that farts are intrinsically funny.

Not funny because they are socially unacceptable. Not funny because of the fact they display a level of irreverence. Not funny because of whatever name is given to them in whatever language is being spoken.

Farts are funny in and of themselves.

Accordingly, I submit the following Kantian Maxim:

Pepedi ergo rideo.

I fart, therefore I laugh.

As a result, think of the most ornery, foul-tempered, misanthrope you can imagine. This person, because they eat, they fart. Because they fart, they laugh.

How to annoy me

2008-04-17T09:16:00.002-04:00

Pull out a nail clipper and start clipping your fingernails on the PATH train.

Bonus points:

When a couple go astray, do the "wipe the front of your shirt" move normally reserved for crumbs of food.

Getting something out of the way.

2008-04-03T13:30:00.000-04:00

Shit and Shinola, while superficially similar in appearance, are entirely distinct in their function; only one is good for polishing shoes.

New Feature - Manliest Movies of all Time

2008-03-26T08:22:00.003-04:00

If you ever picked up a stick as a child and swung it around like a sword, you tried to execute the "behind the back move" Conan does. It is an immutable law. Why? Because this movie is as close to the heart of any man (or man-child) as any movie can get.

I am not going to rehash the plot (and, contrary to what detractors may claim, there IS one, and it is GOOD), because you should know it. I would only ask that you juxtapose Nietzsche's bit about the camel and the lion to the plot and see what you come up with.

Anyway, this movie not only has the most bad-ass, ball thumping music ever written by mankind, but our protagonist is so manly that someone else actually cries for him.

If you are like me, you have seen it about four-hundred times. Watch it again, you know you want to. Your testosterone levels will thank you for it.

Manly quote:
Mongol General: "Conan, what is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"

In all likelihood, my kids are cooler than yours.

2008-03-03T14:56:00.005-05:00

Moreover, at some point, they will probably kick your kids' asses.

Exhibit "A" - The boy (age 2) is riding in the car and Ride of the Valkyrie comes on. He begins singing "BUM-BUM-BUM BOM!" while flailing fists in the air. When the song is over his little voice says "AGAIN!" When the song is played again, he snarls his lip like Elvis.

Exhibit "B" - The boy and I are watching a Kung-fu movie. He is in my lap. Without provocation, a foot lands squarely in my face, followed by a roundhouse punch that knocks my glasses off. The boy smiles.

Exhibit "C" - The girl (age 3) loves Avatar. She can correctly imitate the Hung Ga Earthbending moves perfectly. On a lark, I instruct her on how to assume a balanced stance, have us touch forearms, tell her to close her eyes and tell her to prevent me from touching her with my hand. I do a simple wrist turning trick, thinking she will not know what to do. She not only reverses the wrist lock, but, pulls me forward and connects with a haymaker to the ear. I quote "Fight Club" at her ("You punched me in the ear!") and we had a laugh about it.

A storm is coming, and your kids better not be in the way.

File this one under "unlikely"

2008-02-29T11:19:00.004-05:00

Click Here

In case you were too lazy, the article talks about the fact that cloth diapers are making a comeback due to, get this, a "green movement."

"Green movements" are the VERY reason why we sought an alternative to cloth diapers.

This will not catch on. Do you want to know why? Because "helping the environment" falls to the wayside really quick when you are up to your elbows in baby shit.

Speaking of dirty diapers... my wife has this strange habit. When she checks if the boy's diaper is dirty, and is unable to come to an initial satisfactory conclusion, she will stick her finger directly into the "destination area" of the diaper (named, by me, as the "Infernus Parvulorum") and fish for... wait for it... shit.

I find this amazing.

This is like making soldiers walk down a hostile street in order to determine if a sniper is there.

Funny

2008-02-29T08:22:00.002-05:00

Just when you think Vikings could not get any cooler

2008-02-26T11:01:00.002-05:00

Click Here

Regarding Obama...

2008-02-26T09:20:00.002-05:00

Before long, people tend to turn on our messiahs, and Obama will be no different.

Come November, his campaign will be nailed to a tree, with a sign overhead:

Barack Obama Rex Laevorum

Who is your Tyler Durden?

2008-02-19T12:13:00.008-05:00

A little mental exercise to try at home.

Imagine that a part of your psyche broke off and lived on is own. What would that psyche be like and which actor would play the role?

Mine? At this phase of my life, the one thing a break-away part of my psyche would embody is simply not giving I crap about you, your life, his life, the world or anything in it. My breakaway psyche would get twenty extra packets of ketchup in his take out bag because, when the guy behind the counter asked him if he wanted extra ketchup (as if he were doing him a favor), the look he gives him made him leave a skid mark. His eyes would be two laser optical sights and his dick would look like the "crotch gun" in From Dusk Till Dawn. He would be the guy who drives to the strip club in a gray primer '69 Chevy SS with a bottle of Jack in his hand drinking it en route. He would cut the line and go into the club with the bottle still in his hand (now about only 2/3rds full) and, if the bouncer has a problem with it, well, fuck him.

When he walks into the place, he will make the strippers dance to "Into the Void" by Sabbath and "The Trooper" by Maiden. Then, when (not "if") he breaks the "no touching" rule in the lap dance room, and the bouncer who played OT for the "practice squad" at OSU comes back to give him some guff, he will pull a WWI trench knife out of his boot and break all of his front teeth with the hand guard. Finishing off the last of the bottle, he would then crash it over the guy's head. Why? Fuck him that's why. In fact, Fuck you for even wondering why he would do that.

I think that Kurt Russell could really play that guy well now. In fact, my breakaway psyche would look just like this:

You have a problem with that? Well fuck you.

I never saw "Borat"

2008-02-14T13:23:00.003-05:00

The movie came and went. The DVD was released. It even was on cable for a while. However, I never saw the movie.

I kind of like that about myself.

Holy Shit. Just... Ho-lee Shit!

2008-01-31T12:43:00.000-05:00

Holy Shit

The world is really, seriously, fucked up.

I know what Coprophilia is.

2008-01-30T08:29:00.000-05:00

Mind you, I have never looked it up in the dictionary, researched it on the Internet, seen any documentaries about it, seen any porn where it "snuck" into the "plot" or even so much as had a passing reference. Indeed, thinking about the subject matter simply never occurred to me.

However, somehow, some way, I know what Coprophilia is.

I can't tell you how or when I found out. But, somehow I did. That is disturbing. Is it an indicator of the level of discourse which is considered "common" now-a-days? Has what we consider "commonplace" and "acceptable" sunk so low as to require every person to just simply know what Coprophilia is? Mind you I am not, nor have I ever been a prude... by ANY stretch of the imagination. However, I just want to know how it is that this type of activity gets injected into the mainstream and not relegated to the corners of the fringes of the outskirts of society.

I just don't get it.

As I typed that last sentence, I realized that I am happy I don't "get it" either.

P.S. Yeah, no picture for this post.

I miss good music

2007-12-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
Its hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

Damn, I really, really miss good music.

I know it has been a while... (part Deux)

2007-12-17T12:47:00.000-05:00

However, while I am not short of things to write about (the Girl's attempt to use the Jedi mind trick on me, the Boy's continued drive to steal food from everyone) I am just short on the time needed to write something worthy of putting out into the world.

I will get back on track soon enough.

Again, for your viewing pleasure

2007-10-01T10:21:00.001-04:00

2007-09-25T08:50:00.000-04:00

Manliness Obituary - The Motorcycle

2007-09-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

The motorcycle used to be a manly icon - its flower blossoming with Marlon Brando in The Wild One. The motorcycle was a symbol of freedom, independence, and rebellion.

Nowadays, it represents usually one thing, a middle-aged, middle management guy who joined a motorcycle club but only rides his bike on fair-weathered weekends while cruising around suburbia at 32 miles an hour listening to Born to be Wild on repeat on his iPod Nano while attired in brand-spanking new "motorcycle clothes" he ordered on-line.

As a result, the motorcycle has lost all of its significance. Even the Hells Angels have an official website. Indeed, with prices of Harley Davidson motorcycles well into the 45K range, the once dreaded "1%" moniker is more an indicator of their income bracket than their violent nature.

As a result, the motorcycle has completely lost its status as an icon of masculinity and rebellion. Now, it is a symbol of wayward men trying to "find" themselves on the open road of suburbia, just as long as they are home in time for dinner.

Nothing deep. Just Funny.

2007-08-24T16:10:00.000-04:00

No witty title here, just pity.

2007-08-16T13:58:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of the always easy-on-the-eyes Cindy Crawford and her two children.

When I saw it, I thought to myself: "Damn.. the apple does not fall very far from the tree... she has some really beautiful girls (In a totally non-creepy way)."

However, I found out that the pretty girl with the blond hair is actually her son.

I really pity that child.

POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!!!

2007-08-10T17:07:00.000-04:00

The Girl, of her own volition, did poo-poo on the potty.

This will be a day long remembered.

Huh Huh Huh...

2007-08-01T13:03:00.001-04:00

Pupienus Maximus

My Boy, descendant of Herakles

2007-07-25T10:18:00.000-04:00

While they were boys, the Spartans were not allowed to wear anything but one cloak. No shoes, no underwear, and no additional clothes were permitted -- even in winter. They slept in their military groups, on reeds they plucked at the river with their own hands. What they were given to eat was never enough, so to keep from going hungry they were forced to plan ingenious schemes to steal food. If they got caught, they got a severe whipping -- not for the moral wrong of stealing, but for the military sin of not being careful enough to avoid capture.
-Plutarch, Lycurgus, Father of Sparta

OK, the boy has more than one set of clothes, wears underwear and has shoes. Also, he has a bed. However, notwithstanding the fact that he is only fifteen months old, the boy has taken to stealing his food. I have watched him eye someone else's food basket at the beach with the shrewdness and cunning of a wolf cub. While a lesser child of non-warrior stock would walk straight up to the basket and plead for the contents, in effect, begging for his food like a common street urchin, the warrior-boy will wait until an opportune moment arrives, sneak around (i.e. outflank) the owner of the desired food, wait until they are not looking and, with a slow and steady thumb and index finger, carefully remove the item. Once in his grasp, he will "hide" it with both hands and run back to his "territory" (my chair) to eat it. He even gives me a "look what I did!" look when he gets back to his territory.

Eventually, I will have to teach him that stealing is wrong, of course. However, at this stage of the game, he is demonstrating something that can not be taught, the willingness to put one's neck out there to achieve a desired goal.

He makes me proud.

Click it... and your day will be changed.

2007-07-13T12:10:00.001-04:00

click here

Seriously, totally safe for work.

Just make sure the sound is on.

This is just funny

2007-07-12T09:40:00.001-04:00

Eye of the Beholder

2007-07-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

I am on the 6:18 train home and my iPod starts the third act of Die Walkure.

I am not going to explain the whole ring cycle here... suffice to say in the second act, Brünnhilde, the beloved daughter of Wotan, has disobeyed Wotan by vowing to protect Siegmund from harm because she believed it was what her father would have wanted her to do despite his command to let him die. Wotan arrives, sees what has happened, breaks Siegmund's sword and causes his death. Brünnhilde runs away and Wotan takes off after her.

Begin Act III - after The Ride of the Valkyrie, Wotan finds Brünnhilde and passes judgement on her: Brünnhilde pleads that in disobeying his orders she was really doing what he wished. Wotan will not rescind his command: she must lie in sleep, a prize for any man who finds her. But as Wotan's anger abates, Brünnhilde asks the favor of being surrounded in sleep by a wall of fire that only the bravest hero can pierce.

It was here that something happened. Whenever I have heard this work in the past, my heart always went out to Brünnhilde. Don't get me wrong, I could intellectually grasp why Wotan had to do what he did, but, my heart was with Brünnhilde. You know, the "establishment" doing the wrong thing in the face of noble intent. However, this time, my heart was with Wotan. I knew he did what he did because he is Wotan, the chief god. His word could not be disobeyed, no matter what the intent. However, the emotion in the words, for the first time, resonated inside me on a personal level.

My heart further softened as the music went on and the baritone voice of Wotan was singing:

"that radiant pair of eyes that I often kissed when you earned a reward and sang in childlike praise of heroes... those gleaming eyes that shone in the storm when I longed for the joys of the world amid danger and dread. One last time I kiss these eyes farewell...

my heart quivered a bit as Wotan, sadly renouncing his daughter, kisses Brünnhilde's eyes with sleep and mortality...

"On a happier man may they shine one day. For this sorrowing god, they must finally close.

There... right there... the image of my little girl flashed in my mind... and she was wearing a wedding dress...

"Now the god takes his leave and kisses your godhead away."

...and I just lifted her veil and kissed her on the head.

guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Someone must have popped a benzyl bromide canister on my train because, well, my eyes were getting a little wet. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to some folk, but, this is unprecedented for me. I am not going to tout my "man resume", but, it is pretty solid. A week ago, I would have been more likely to believe a person who said "in seven days, the CIA will reveal that we have been at war with aliens from a different planet for the last 300 years" than a person who said "in seven days, an opera will move you to tears on a public train."

Notwithstanding this fact, there I was, doing the best I could to not look like I was a blubbering fool. Opting for the Rodin "thinking" pose, I pinched the bridge of my nose and managed to disperse any moisture that had begun to collect in and around my eyes.

That little girl is really getting the best of me.

Not really big on quotes, but...

2007-06-14T09:12:00.000-04:00

This one is sticking in my mind right now:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

-Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

That is all.

I know it has been a while...

2007-06-07T15:44:00.000-04:00

...I have things to say, but, not the time in which to say it.

sigh...

2007-05-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

I found this picture:

I just don't know what to say. I am sure I will come back and write something witty about this, but, for now, I am too enamored to say or do anything. The only thing that comes to mind is that if there was a way I could dot my "i"s with hearts in this post, I would do it.

Open letter to the person who invented the "juice box"

2007-05-14T12:18:00.000-04:00

Dear Sir:

You suck...

oh... wait... That is not a pun, you really suck.

Do you know why we use glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc.? Yes, it is because we wish to be able to transport our potable liquids in serving size quantities without trying to cup them in our hands and not have to carry a wineskin around. Do you know why we make glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. out of sturdy material? Yes, it is because when we grasp the glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. we do not wish the contents to come spilling out of them.

Good sir, you crafted the juice box, a product filled with liquid, which is often red, a product designed for use by children, out of a soft, squishy material. Guess what happens when a child's hand squeezes the juice box? Yes... the outward pressure on the juice box decreases the interior area of the juice box, sending the juice up and out of the straw creating, in effect, a "juice gun". To a one-year-old, this is the coolest thing ever. To a parent, this is apologizing and paying a cleaning bill to a person standing in line in front of you in the mall who, by the Grace of God, has children and understands the evil thing you brought into this world.

However, it does not end with the "juice gun." Oh no... do you know what happens when you blow into a straw? Well, since you seem to be clueless, let me set out the physics. In case you did not know, we actually don't suck liquid up a straw, air pressure pushes it up because of the higher pressure on the drink and lower pressure in your mouth as you "suck up." Guess what happens when child blows into the juice box? Yes... the pressure on the inside is greater than the pressure on the outside and the juice box winds up looking like an understudy for the Bellagio pond. Hell, not only is it a juice gun, but, now it is a juice gun that you can set into motion and run away from... a fire and forget juice gun.

You, sir, have created, marketed and sold a product to children which can only be grasped up to a certain foot pound of pressure and does not allow a child to blow bubbles into a straw. You sir, are an ass... an ass that clearly never had children.

However, it does not end with the construction of the juice box itself. No, what critique of your despicable device would be complete without mentioning the method by which the straw, the only mechanism by which to extract the juice, is put into its working position? Only a sadist would construct a straw made of light-weight, low tensile plastic when that straw has to be used to puncture a hole through a substance that has the effective strength of Kevlar. You know what happens when that straw bends (as it always does)? Well, I find myself cutting open your ignoble invention with a knife, turning it over, and pouring its contents into a glass (after popping a hole in the back for air flow). Mind you, this is what I should have been doing in the first place, if it were not for your contemptible contrivance.

To all of you people who are thinking about the ubiquitous "juice box holders" I see around, I give you this:

This, for all of you people, is a cup... use one.

Brainwashing

2007-05-02T16:51:00.000-04:00

OK... so I am at a mediation today. Not the type that would make or break my career, but, definitely something that I have to be on my game for. So, there I am and, from the corner of my mind, I hear the following:

We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship, zooming through the sky... Little Einsteins. Climb aboard, get ready to explore. There's so much to find, Little Einsteins. We're going on a mission, start the countdown 5, 4, 3,2,1...

Do they design this stuff for its ability to stick in your mind and repeat itself? I can not count the number of times of I have woken up in the middle of the night hearing the "hooo-ahhh-ho-ho" from the Go Diego Go! intro and, frankly, am quite embarrassed to state that I have, often, found myself singing the "riding the range" song from the Backyardigans in the car, on the train, while doing chores around the house, etc.

When does this end?

Memento Mori

2007-04-30T09:16:00.000-04:00

Nothing like a stomach flu to remind you that you are, after all, just some flesh and bone. Right now, I feel like a snake is crawling through my innards.

New Idea

2007-04-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

I am going to incorporate something else into this blog.

As I continue move forward in my life, I have often thought that I would like to give my kids advice about what occurs in my life in an effort impart "experience" to them and, possibly, help them avoid having to learn from the hard consequences of their own mistakes like I did. I know it is a misguided endeavor because all kids have to learn things first hand, but, I will try anyway.

So... here it is... the first entry in my running "advice to my kids" section:

Make sure you have toilet paper before you sit down.

Absurd

2007-04-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

At what point did the writers of 24 completely divorce themselves from reality?

Why would Cheng Zhi decide it is a good idea to completely abandon his plan and agree to go to a place of Jack's choosing? This is beyond stupid. The whole point of having the "upper hand" in a transaction such as this is to be able to have control of the environment in which you are engaging in affairs so as to be able to rule out any surprises. Notwithstanding this fact, Cheng goes to a completely new location without the slightest hesitation. Cheng does not know that Jack "went rogue" and, as a result, Cheng did not know that 400 CTU agents were not waiting for him at this site. He would not go there. However, even worse, he goes there in a limo, drawing further attention to himself.

But, aside from this breach in logic, I am further offended by the manner in which he escaped. Whose Humvees were those? They could not have been Cheng's as he had no means by which to plan for his departure. Were they CTU's? If so, where were the men who came in them? I mean, there were three of them.... twelve men. Where are those twelve guys? Did anyone decide it might be a good idea to, ummm, I don't know.... secure a means of escape when you are trying to capture someone? Hell, I will not consider the level of prescience needed to guard the trucks in order to prevent an escape... how about just establishing a perimeter? Someone would be there just to establish a perimeter, but, no one was there... this is just stupid. I am riding this season out on cruise control... hoping against hope that it will pay off in the end.

Mock Draft - Countries - First Round

2007-04-18T23:37:00.000-04:00

This draft, perhaps the grandest of draft concepts, is for the one thing that no-one is making any more of… land. In particular, countries.

In this draft, we will be selecting countries over which you will exert absolute, unfettered rule to be administered in any manner you wish. You will be "graded" according to the following criteria in this order: 1) Creativity and wit exhibited in explaining choice 2) Merits of actual choice 3) Ability to maintain your three country empire after the countries are selected.As a corollary to rule three, let it be known that we are all in the same world, so, you have to account for each other's presence. The order of the draft was randomized this morning and is as follows: 1) TC 2) JD 3) TK 4) JS

Three rounds, snaking pattern. Oh yeah… the United States is not eligible for the draft, however, you must account for the presence of the U.S. in the world.

TC First Pick: Australia

With my first pick, I feel it is important to focus on the economics to support my empire. As such, I select Australia with my first pick. Australia comprises the mainland of the world's smallest continent, the major island of Tasmania and a number of other islands in the Southern, Indian, and Pacific Oceans. It is the world's second largest producer of diamonds (by carat) and the third largest producer of gold. In addition, tourism plays a large role in the country's economy.

JD First Pick: China

With the US out of the picture, I’m going to take the next closest thing to a superpower in this day and age, China. With this one pick I give myself: a steamrolling economy, billions of soldiers…er…I mean “citizens” and ample land on which to build cities in my name (D***** City, D*****onia, D***attle, San D***frisco). Now, obviously, I’m going to run into some problems due to the size of the population, but, still, the first thing I will do is get rid of the restrictions on the number of children a family can have. We will sort out any population problems as they arise (are you listening neighbors?). Last but not least, I must mention my burgeoning space program; we’ll be carving Mao’s face into the moon within the decade.

JS: Truly the Albert Pujols/Jose Reyes of the draft, surprised it fell to number two. Shocked that you would not be replacing Mao's mug with your own though. I know I would be. However, the picture would not just be my face, it would be all of me... as painted by Boris Vallejo.

JD: I agree. I love the Aussies, but I didn’t think China would fall to me at number two. I figure I’ll keep Mao around as an icon that I can point to anytime the people start getting restless. Then I can say, “Hey, is this how MAO would have reacted? I didn’t think so. Now, get back to work on my palace!”). Plus, I want to call myself Chairman D*****.

JS: Commie. Looks like the legions of Sparta Novo might have chilly relations with You.

JD: Choose wisely, my friend. Besides, we’ll be even less Communist in D*****ia than China is today. Its all about appearances.

JS: I see. Perhaps I will not be requiring water and earth from you after all.

First TK Pick: Germany

I am selecting Germany.

1) They are a highly educated society with a rich engineering and scientific history. They have some small pockets of socialists that will need to be stamped out and some collective guilt that needs to be worked through but overall they are a people that when properly led can be very productive.

2) Beer and Sausage. Really, do not underestimate that.

3) Military might. The Germans are soldiers. They are the type of soldiers that have shown brilliance in battle from both the Generals to the enlisted men. You can defend the borders and expand when needed, That's right, I am looking at you Austria, Poland, Czech and Slovakia, the Fatherland is calling. I can resist any move by that hothead leading Sparta Novo and I have the diplomatic skill to broker an alliance with my Asian friends under Chairman D******. Watch out if JS takes Russia.

4) Football. No I mean it, American Football, the Germans are the only country in Europe to take to the NFL, these people are intelligent I tell you.

5) The Eagles Nest. http://www.eagles-nest.de/en/kehlsteinhaus.php?navid=1 Are you kidding me? Have you seen this place? Man it is worth taking this Country just for the Bavarian Retreat.

6) Octoberfest. See #2

7) I think I can learn German, really, it is not that far from English.

8) I would be a Kaiser, Kaiser K*****.

9) They hate the French.

10) Finally, Germany is Europe, you can take your France and Russia, but you will know the only reason to have selected them is because you want Germany.

JS First Pick: Russia

With my first pick to live under the noble crimson Lambda of Sparta Novo, I am taking Russia.

1) Historically, attacking Rus is suicide. Any attack on my soil will be dealt with by the three old and reliable Generals of all Russian battles: General Winter, General Snow and General Spring thaw. The Russian people fight like rabid put bulls on steroids and Viagra in the winter and Mother Rus herself swallows tracked vehicles whole in the spring. A pick for Russia is a pick for absolute security.

2) Russia is the second largest oil-producing nation in the world. That means something (I am looking at YOU, my long-time and honored ally D*****ia, with your burgeoning, yet oil-dependant, economy.)

3) Vodka and Pierogies. An important part of ANY nutritious breakfast.

4) St. Johannesburg. (nee St. Petersburg) the Versailles of the East, it is truly a splendor.

5) Variety. I have skiing in the North, beaches in the South, lush fields in the West and Gulags (COUGH) "scenic redevelopment communities" in the East.

6) Hot women. Some of the hottest in the world. Who can discount this factor?

7) Pan-Slavonic unity. Rodina Mat' Zovyot!!! my Czech, Slovak, Bulgarian, Ukrainian, Kazak, Moldovan, Belarusian, Polish and Romanian brothers and sisters.

8) Lastly, the Russian people have historically demonstrated a "cult of personality" toward their leaders which is unfettered. People starving in the Gulag would cry to Stalin... wishing that he only knew what was being done in his name. They are cultural monarchists, which suits me fine.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Two

2007-04-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

Second JS Pick: France

My second pick troubled me... however, I am going to have to go with France.

First order of business: The "Spartification" of France because, everybody needs a hobby. While this may require the "displacement" of the current residents, I plan on giving Algeria back to the Foreign Legion and, in a bit of payback, relocating all the National French men there and open up Jean-Marie Bastien-Thiry airport. Bon Chance Froggies. The end result will be a country that still has wine and cheese but with no whining and no cheesy accents. I think I will repopulate France with the Kazaks and the Georgians. They are both a hearty, warlike people who will crush the life out of any remaining current residents and the Georgians are already great winemakers. I will keep all the women though. Traditionally, French women have great lips. Simply put, a world without French culture is a world we will ALL be happier in. You're Welcome.

TC: Oui, let the pussification of Sparta Novo begin!

JD: Russia was an excellent choice! It was very hard for me to pass up the Russkies, who are very near and dear to my heart. You’ve drafted a strong, pragmatic culture, which has also spawned its share of gifted artists and intellectuals. Also, no one suffers with as much dignity and resolve as the Russians (except maybe the Irish). I must point out, however, that you may have hot women in Sparta Novo, but you also have some of the world’s ugliest. Need I remind you of the “big boned,” babushka wearing, mole sporting, vodka swilling ogres we all know so well?

France? The shocker of the draft thus far! Also, from a strategic point of view, I think you could have left France on the board until the last pick and snatched them up without a problem. I think you may be underestimating the weakening effect your French pansies may have on your Spartan men…it won’t necessarily go down as you’ve planned it. You may find some previously hard Spartan men growing doughy and soft while drinking wine, eating cheese and laying on the bank of a river with a beautiful French woman with hairy armpits…and where will the D*****ians be while this is happening? Sharpening their bayonets! Just kidding, we D*****ians love everybody and we developed nuclear technology to heat our homes, not build bombs.

TK: As Marc Antony explained to Vorinus as he prepared to takes his own life in the palace of Egypt, better to die at a place where Alexander the Great once walked then in a ditch in Gaul. Sums up France perfectly, it has always been despised.

JS: Chairman D*****, without doubt, I chose to exterminate France as a boon to us all. Your oil dependant nation which shares a cultural, historical and political alignment with Mother Russia will, no doubt, celebrate with me in their extermination in St. Johannesburg this summer, no?

TK: Do not trust the talk of the forked tounge diplomat. The Ambassador of Sparta Novo should be treated like the dog that he is. Send him home to his ruler to explain that the alliance of Chaiman D*****and Kaiser K***** cannot be broken by promises of a summer barbecue in that open sewer on the Baltic.

TK: I see a game of Axis and Allies in our future.

JS: Well, I see we have foregone diplomatic formalities and chosen to make an enemy of the Spartans in a most boorish and uncivilized manner. Check yourself Kaiser, a war with me is a war on two fronts. We all know how that worked out for you last time. You might have to take Argentina or Brazil with your last pick just to have some place to run to.

TK: Well, I am counting on the fact that you mass genocide of the French will lead to the US invading and freeing the French in short order. So it is you that would benefit from your own advice. I see you lasting all of two years in France.

JS: Mass genocide? Why, such sanguinary thoughts, even from the likes of you, come a surprise. If your read the details of my choice, I merely intend to relocate them to a sunny, pleasant country formally known as Algiers, under the steady, even and fair rule of the Foreign Legion. Clearly, this will spark no such outrage from the United States.

TK: Power of the press my friend, power of the press, if you think that in todays modern age that your plan would not be exposed you are crazy. Face it, you underestimated your own rules when you left the U.S. as a wildcard in the game. Mass relocation/genocide may work in the Sudan and go unnoticed but in France? You are asking for intervention.

JS: Intervention by whom? The U.N.? I will simply not sign the return receipt for their strongly worded letters and claim I never got them, that will get me off the hook. Also, I think you overestimate the cultural significance and sympathetic feelings toward the French. If you really think that, after our recent history, the U.S. population would countenance a war with Sparta Novo over an entirely domestic dispute concerning the French, you may be enjoying too much Hoegaarten

TK: Someone is already drunk on his imaginary power. The U.S. exists, your actions would result in trade sanctions, escalation, and eventually Germany will invite the U.S. to cooperate in the multi-national force that will free the French Citizens, then I will volunteer my forces to maintain the peace in the former French province of Sparta Novo, ruling as I see fit.

JS: Those are strong words coming from a boozy Bavarian buffoon sandwiched in between a rock and a hard place. Like I said... take Argentina. It is your only hope.

TK: Maybe TC was smart to take Australia, you are clearly looking to escalate this to a Def-Con 1 condition. By the way, I was watching Wargames the other day and deicded that the NORAD DefCon step ladder neon sign would have to enter into my top 10 movie props I would like to own. Imagine that in your office, your secretary walks in and sees you on the phone, as the sign clicks from Defcon 3 to Defcon 2. Why Homeland security went with the color chart is beyond me. Defcon all the way. I see it slotted in behind the pinball machine from the Accussed and behind Billy Baroo, but ahead of Fredo's boat. I think Mesallas chariot is a differnet category now.

JS: To the contrary... Sparta Novo wants nothing more than to peacefully co-exist in this world... just without the French. You misinterpret my desire to eradicate, umm.. err... relocate the French as some sort of veiled check on German sovereignty. I assure you, no such legerdemain exists. The Spartan history is one of defense and preservation of our homeland. I have my French helots and, left to my own, you will find I am a amicable neighbor and, if treated with mutual respect, a formidable ally. However, if provoked, no greater enemy can you find.

And, by the way, the Norad DEFCON sign should definitely be on the top ten. Not higher than the Idol from Raiders though.

TK: The idol is cooler then the ark. Interestingly, whenever I do that list, nothing from the Star Wars movies stands out as must have, similarly, the LOTR trilogy misses as well, I am guessing it is the other worldy nature of the objects that takes away the value in real life. Whereas these examples ring true at all levels.

Diplomatically I will accept your offer, however intellectually, I will be bragging that your concession to peace is more a result of my correct prediction that the U.S. would join against you should you continue to eradicate the French from France. You are stuck with a French France, face it.

JS: The idol is cooler than the Ark because you can put it on your mantle and let it speak for itself. You have to build a whole Temple of Solomon for the Ark and, really, who has the time for that?

Intellectually, you can brag to yourself all you want, but, you can not get over the fact that you know I am right about the U.N. being nothing more than a traffic cop on valium standing in the middle of the Turnpike and the fact that the U.S. citizenry do not have the stomach for a war which entails nothing but the relocation of French citizens to a warmer, sunnier clime. Seriously, I can see the peace demonstration signs now... "NO BLOOD FOR FROMAGE!!!"

TK: Perhaps I need clarification, you have drafted the country, your control of the Country is assumed how? You obviously are implying that a force will need to land and control the population, or is it the case that your leadership is universally accepted by both your new citizens and the worlds nations? If you have already been placed in power through legitimate channels then you are correct, your moving the French out of France would be tolerated, but since you are indicating a world where the U.N. still exists then I need to keep that in mind and so do you. Your actions would be subject to outside pressure. Plus, since I currently do not have a permanent seat on the security council I may need to obtain one.

Second TK Pick : South Africa

Anyone else see that coming? I believe JS has cemented the alliance between Chairman JD and myself. I am taking South Africa with my next pick. South Africa is a middle-income, emerging market with an abundant supply of natural resources; well-developed financial, legal, communications, energy, and transport sectors; a stock exchange that ranks among the 10 largest in the world; and a modern infrastructure supporting an efficient distribution of goods to major urban centers throughout the region

1) Rich and varied country, the beaches of Cape Town and Natal, the lush verdant plains of the upper veldt, a Nation in need of strong leadership.

2) Untapped labor markets and my German citizens have a knack for getting strong performance out of this labor.

3) The power of sub Saharan Africa, its military resources will control enormous natural resources.

4) Rugby. They are not the best but they play a very hard nosed style.

5) Diamonds. Just a few, not to mention the gold, chromium, antimony, coal, iron ore, manganese, nickel, phosphates, tin, uranium, gem diamonds, platinum, copper, vanadium, salt, and natural gas.

6) Safaris.

7) Majority Christian population, this is important, while there will be civil unrest it will not be based on religious lines, easier to control that unrest.

8) Same Time zone as Berlin. My citizens will be more productive because of this.

Problems

1) HIV over 21 % of population. A massive effort and expense will be needed to control this problem.

2) Infrastructure and Education. Again, this is a leadership issue, given the allegiance to Germany and its direct interest, I believe things will turn around.

3) Race relations. Admitted this is a problem. See # 3 above. But if JS can kill all the French I should be able to find a more reasonable solution to this issue.

4) Water. Desalination plants. Tap the Ocean. Also with Global warming, just go harvest some of that Antarctic shelf. First Order of business, Take out Mugabe and liberate Zimbabwe. Second order of business, invest heavily in Rugby Union to beat Australia and humiliate Tim at the Tri-Nations. George Gregan sucks.

TC: Alas, but when I invade and acquire New Zealand, our national rugby prowess will be unmatched!

Second JD Pick: Japan

I will reserve all talk of alliances until I see the final selections. I don’t want to line up with someone and then find they’ve chosen Haiti with their last pick (no offense to the Haitians, but, come on, that place is a mess). For now I say to the Kaiser, the King of Sparta and the Prime Minister of Australia that you are all equally within the favor of D*****ia for the time being. My next choice doesn’t offer much in terms of land but has the world’s tenth largest population and offers a wealth of “intangibles.” I choose JAPAN.

1. Its nestled nicely in the neighborhood of the my homeland so I won’t be stretched too thin across the globe.

2. It has exhibited a strong warrior culture throughout its history from the age of the samurai through WWII. If the need arises, I can quickly assemble a citizen army that exhibits a fight-to-the-last-man-even-if the-last-man-has-nothing-but-his-fingernails-left-and-is-up-against-a-Sherman-tank attitude. One word, “Bushido!”

3. The population is technologically proficient (probably more so than any other county on the planet) and economically sophisticated. Perhaps we can figure out a way to deal with our “oil dependency” issues, but if not, I’m sure we’ll have the financial clout to take care of that problem without siphoning funds from more important projects, such as the newest wonder of the modern world, the Collossus at D***** City.

4. Japan is respected worldwide diplomatically. Ever since the end of WWII, no one has really had a problem with Japan; except for China, which is now mine, and Korea, which I suspect will be extremely deferential given the new power structure in the region. We need someone to smooth over the ruffled feathers that will surely result from my heavy-handed foreign policy.

5. Due for increasing amounts of capital coming from the US via the Major League Baseball bidding process.

6. Kobe beef, saki and sushi. Its hardly a good plate of meat and potatoes, but that’s some seriously good sh**.

7. The workforce is educated, diligent and healthy, with one of the longest life expectancies in the world. Longer life = more work accomplished for the greater glory of D******.

8. Toyota, Honda, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Sony, Toshiba…

9. Home to some seriously hot women, who seem all the hotter because they respect their men. In an age where the stay-at-home dad is gaining acceptance in the US, Japan remains a place where men are men. Plus, if You Only Live Twice is accurate, I will have my pick of the women because of the hair on my chest and arms. Alas, we will not be players on the world rugby circuit, but I challenge anyone to step up to the ping pong table with D*******!

JS: ping pong table!!!! HA!!! Good stuff. You might want to find a nice name for Nanking though. You know... neutral... not referencing history... try not use the letters "R", "A" "P" or "E" either. If your seat of power is in China, you might have a problem governing the "superior" folk in Nippon.... Just sayin'.

JD: Worry not. Nanking will be renamed "Super Happy Peace and Unity Land" (or at least that is what it will translate to). Each year we will have “D***** Days,” a gymnastics and martial arts competition to celebrate how wonderful it is to peacefully co-exist under the leadership of Chairman D*****.

TC Second Pick: England

Ok, now that I am fed, I am ready to makemy final two picks. First, recognizing that there can be hostility amongst the nations, I wanted to select a country that is both strong and connected. Therefore, with my second pick I choose the United Kingdom. It is a permanent member of the UN Security Council.It hasthe second largest military expenditure next to the U.S. It is the U.S.'s closest ally. Upon acquisition, the first thing I will do is to removalthe provincial status of Northern Ireland and proclaim that it will be from hereon forth recognized as part of the Republic of Ireland.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Three

2007-04-18T21:34:00.000-04:00

Third Round

TC: I waited until the draft came back to me before really laboring through my comments on the other rulers' choices. But now the time has come.

China: I wrestled with the idea of choosing them first. However, although they may be the largest army on earth, they are not nearly the strongest one. They are poorly trained and equipped. Its 8,500 tanks are slow, small and out-of-date. The 4,000 fighter planes in the Chinese air force are mostly from the 1960s and 1970s and lack modern avionics. Its navy's 61 submarines and 54 surface ships are capable of little more than coastal patrols.

In addition, the Chinese military forces are obligated with enormous responsibilities in defending the country's thousands upon thousands of kilometers of boundaries and coastlines. All this while being subject to military weapons sales restrictions from the United States. While Japan, Britain, Israel and Australia, all allies of the United States, can buy the most advanced weapons directly from the United States and share the latest military purpose software, China has to develop all this on its own. (Although, Emperor D***** may have tempered the significance of this issue with his acquisition of Japan). For these reasons I shied away from China. However, there is something to be said for the idea that you put 100 rifles on the ground and then put 100 men behind each one of them.

Germany: An excellent pick! Although, I wonder what Kaiser K***** will due with the skinhead uprisings against the immigrant population. Hmm, how does one quell riots?

Russia: Historically, another solid choice. Tradition adds to the luster of the pick. However, there are issues here as well. If Sparta Novo plans on making a move on Kaiser K*****'s territories, shouldn't it first deal with the various itstans of the former Soviet Union? Uniting the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is a tall order. At least JS's communist blood will finally run proud!

France: France? France? Ok, Sparta Novo is clearly trying to position itself to take over all of Europe. There may be a plan to "relocate" the indigenous French population. However, it appears that the women will remain. Doesn't Sparta Novo appreciate the history of this land? Many cultures have invaded France throughout the years. It falls like a house of cards. However, the French culture still remains! Its snooty, annoying, condescending, pansy-ass culture is like a weed that cannot be killed! Me thinks that this will be Sparta Novo's version of the "War on Drugs." A battle that in theory is valiant, will nevertheless be fruitless!

South Africa: Apparently Kaiser K***** likes racial/nationalistic strife! While a remarkably good choice from an economic standpoint. South Africa has rich mineral resources. It is the world's largest producer and exporter of gold and platinum and also exports a significant amount of coal. The value-added processing of minerals to produce ferroalloys, stainless steels, and similar products is a major industry and an important growth area. The country's diverse manufacturing industry is a world leader in several specialized sectors, including railway rolling stock, synthetic fuels, and mining equipment and machinery.

In addition, South Africa's major trading partners include the United Kingdom, the United States, Germany, Italy, Belgium, China, and Japan. Certainly diplomatic ties between Kerwin and Dillon is looking good.

Now the bad. And when we say bad, we mean really bad! Kaiser K***** acknowledged the HIV issue in South Africa, but his spin doctors ignore the seriousness. South Africa is one of the countries most affected by HIV with more than 6 million HIV infected individuals. Nearly 20% of the 15-49 year old population is infected and in parts of the country up to 40% of women of child-bearing age are infected. Maybe Kaiser K***** plans on using South Africa as a slave colony to funnel money to the motherland?

Japan: Another excellent choice! A great compliment to China. Emperor Dillon is definitely seeking balance while trying to limit his weaknesses. Kudos!

TC Third Pick: Vatican City

With my last pick I thought about the sheer numbers of China. I was going to take India figuring that300,000,000 less people is merely a drop in the bucket. Then I had a better idea. I decided to pick a small country that exercise great powerover many. As such, with my last pick I choose to acquire VaticanCity. Although it is a landlocked sovereign city-state whose territory consists of a walled enclave within the city of Rome,it is still the smallest independent nation in the world. To demonstrate itspower as the center of the Roman Catholic church, here is a list of RomanCatholic countries:

1)Andorra, 2)Argentina, 3)Austria, 4)Belgium, 5)Belize, 6)Bolivia, 7)Brazil, 8)Burundi, 9)Chile, 10)Colombia, 11)Congo, Democratic Republic of the, 12)Congo, Republic of the, 13)Costa Rica, 14)Croatia, 15)Dominica, 16)Dominican Republic, 17)East Timor, 18)Ecuador, 19)El Salvador, 20)France, 21)Grenada, 22)Guatemala, 23)Haiti, 24)Honduras, 25)Hungary, 26)Ireland, 27)Italy, 28)Kiribati, 29)Liechtenstein, 30)Lithuania, 31)Luxembourg, 32)Malta, 33)Mexico 34)Micronesia, Federated States of, 35)Monaco, 36)Nicaragua, 37)Panama, 38)Paraguay, 39)Peru, 40)Philippines, 41)Poland, 42)Portugal, 43)Rwanda, 44)Saint Lucia, 45)San Marino, 46)Seychelles, 47)Slovakia, 48)Spain, 49)Uruguay and 50)Venezuela.

Invade the HolySee and you run the risk of pissing off a lot of other countries!

JS: Well played, Sir... however, as Pope, either you have to proclaim that priests can now have sex, or, you will never get laid again....ever.

TC: I sense a Vatican III coming.

JS: Well, considering you have done such savage violence to the time-honored historical and spiritual epicenter of the Catholic world by proclaiming yourself as Pope... I guess I just have to find the true Pope Benedict XVI and have him set up a new shop in Avignon. Antipope TC... I like the sound of that. My France pick is really picking up steam as the "sleeper" pick of the draft.

TC: Whatever gets you to sleep as night, Ruler of France…

JS: And by "Ruler of France" you mean Imperator of Sparta Novo, whose lands stretch across the whole of Russia, who has subsumed two members of the UN Security council and the G8, exerts dominion over the sixth and ninth largest economies in the world, whose nation is the number one tourist destination in the world and, now, home to the legitimate seat of the Catholic church? OK.

TC: Alas Sparta Novo is drunk with high ideas that tourism will remain high in an area where forced relocation is at hand. And his false religion?! Pleasse!

JS: So it IS true... you have set yourself up as a new Pope. You have, in effect, taken all those countries you listed and allied them with me. Spiritual power lies not with a tract of land, but, in the expanses of the soul. See? I am already beginning to sound like a spiritual leader.

TC: It was a bloodless coup.

JS: Oh... Heaven surely shines upon Antipope TC for not executing Benedict XVI upon his assumption of power.

TC: What are you talking about? Pope Benedict suffered a stroke and passed away peacefully. The College of Cardinals met and we now have Pope TC I.

JS: Not sure about that...

JD: Seems on the up and up to me... The Roman Catholic D*****ians will undoubtedly accept the new Pope. As much as the Imperator of Sparta may cry and protest, his allegations will fall on deaf ears absent evidence of a cover up.

JS: Well, last time I checked... you can not legislate the affairs of the soul. Two words for you, Falun Gong.

JD: Hey man, that’s China’s hang-up. D*****ia is fine with the Falun Gong. I can picture the photo-op now: Chairman D***** demonstrates Falun Gong meditative poses to recently released political prisoners. I’ll get the freaking Nobel Peace Prize for that.

JS: I am not saying that Falun Gong will give you trouble, I am merely using them as an example of the fact that your can not, by law, tell someone how to worship. As a result, your statement that the D*****ian Catholics will accept the Antipope TC I is somewhat lacking.

TC: Oh Sparta Novo how you are determined to be an island unto you self. Go ahead, pick Cuba. Bring the Cold War back full circle!

JD Third Pick: Brazil

While India seems like the no-brainer choice to complete the empire that I started with China and Japan, I just can’t do it. Instead, I’m going to round out the D*****ian Federation with BRAZIL. TC, say hello to your new best friend, because Brazil has the largest Roman Catholic population in the world. Obvious reasons for this choice include:

1) Rio de Janeiro – my hardworking citizens in China and Japan needs somewhere to kick back and blow off some steam and I don’t want their hard-earned Dillos (the national currency) going to France!

2) Women…enough said.

3) At least I’ll have a chance of winning the World Cup every four years; unfortunately it will be the soccer World Cup. Still, I need something I can watch on TV.

4) One of the coolest flags in the world. “Order and Progress” I like the sound of that.

Most importantly, this choice is about one thing…ETHANOL, baby! It’s the wave of the future and with Brazil under my control as part of a cartel with the US, I will have no need to play nice with the oil producing countries. Brazil is going to be THE major player in the market for Ethanol. Its not going to matter that China’s military is outdated. We’re going to scrap what we have and build new, ethanol burning super-tanks!

Third TK Pick: Saudi Arabia

I was going to take Brazil, so I will confess a nice selection by JD. Surprising that India is out there still, but really I am not impressed by the subcontinent. I am leaning in two directions right now, both have abundant oil supplies, both have significant impact on the regions they occupy, and both have a history of obeying either one man rule or a small oligarchy. I have decided that despite the greening of the world the fact is for the next 50 years oil will still dominate the world economy, therefore I am taking Saudi Arabia.

Positives

1) 25% of the worlds proven oil reserves.

2) Control of the Red Sea and Persian Gulf if properly motivated.

Negatives

1) Its a fucking desert. Really, Hot and dirty.

2) The Muslim issue. Not sure if being in control of the holy shrines is sitting on a keg of gunpowder or not.

3) History of terrorism and terrorist acts by a minority seeking change. Again, issues.

But to control the taps of this much oil that is easily extracted, I could not risk John shoring up Russia supplies with the Kingdom of Saud. This was strictly a strategic move.

To be fair, I like TC's idea behind the Vatican/Pope move but I think he overestimates the impact faith has on geopolitics. You might be able to rally people against abortion, gay marriage etc. but actual involvement in the governing of nations is minimal. The Pope may have served as a rallying point for eastern block citizens in he cold war but that was more symbolic then anything. With his England pick, I would say TC has decided to take over the weakest part of the former British Empire, if that was his plan he should have reclaimed either Canada or India instead of going for the symbolic title.

JD made three solid selections but will have limited influence outside of Asia. Brazil struggles with its infrastructure problems and South America is easily ignored. He will control Australia however, TC seems unaware of the critical trade needed between Australia and China/Japan and will find his bargaining power at trade talks very limited.

I admit that JS' sandwiching of France and Russia places Germany in a bind, I will need to cultivate strong US ties to limit his aggressions. I think the control of oil will help in that area. Plus maybe I can stabilize the mid-east with my presence.

JS: You are "not sure" if Germany being in control of the Muslim holy shrines is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder?

I am going to go ahead and say "yes" on that.

Good luck keeping that population under control. I pretty much figured we were avoiding the middle eastern countries under the unspoken agreement that any non-Muslim power exerted over that nation is doomed. Hey, I wish you the best. Good Luck, you are going to need it.

With that pick in the hopper, I am going to go with the country that TK should have taken...

JS Third Pick: Venezuela.

Venezuela has a history of accepting the lowest and most degenerate forms of government with a subservient and complacent tolerance. How well will they finally flourish under the beatific and benevolent rulership of Imperator Johannes Augustus Caesar? It will be their golden age. Also, if you check the stats, more Miss Universes have hailed from Venezuela than from anywhere else. Moreover, I figure that if the USA tolerates the crap that Chavez dishes out now because of their oil, they will tolerate my Spartification of France without a moments hesitation and, amazingly, we will become fast friends. With the final pick of Venezuela, not only have I shored up my control of the UN Security Council and placed my footprint squarely in the middle of the the G8, but, I am now a member of OPEC and have exerted my influence into both hemispheres. In an interesting turn of events, Kaiser TK and I seemingly now have some serious common interests... friend Kaiser, planning on joining me in St. Johannesburg this summer or should I meet with you at the Eagle's Nest in the Fall?

For one brief shining moment...

2007-04-17T08:34:00.000-04:00

...there was what looked like an start of a real season of 24. But, then, it was gone.

Now we are just getting silly. In all seriousness, who does not side with the VP on this one? Lets be objective for a moment. A man that has been in Chinese custody for over two years, who comes back to the United States under a strange sort of "deal", wants to take classified materials BACK to the Chinese which would render the entire Russian military defenseless to an attack by the Chinese in exchange for one person who, with no confirmation from anyone BUT Jack, is allegedly being held by them?

Are you kidding?

Lets be honest, the answer to Jack's request is "no" and, then, the State department gets on the phone and contacts China and demands the release of Audrey Raines. You leak it to the press and get Sec'y Heller on the t.v. demanding that his daughter is set free. In this fashion, you get the moral high ground, look good in the eyes of the world and, in the same stroke, make your "competitors" look bad and force them to apologize for the actions of a rogue official who must, now, come to America (if he is not already here) to face charges.

As I have always said, in fiction, you can ask the audience to believe the impossible, but not the improbable.

Now that is more like it...

2007-04-10T09:09:00.000-04:00

Good episode of 24. Good action. Good suspense. Jack kicking some ass and, at the end, the bad guy hanging by his neck from an industrial chain. While I half expected him to come back to life like Karl from Die Hard and kill silverspoon, I was glad that did not happen.

However, while I know realism had to be sacrificed for drama, how is it that Cheng knows that Jack in available? I mean, if he called ten minutes earlier, he would have ghosted Jack when he was trying to approach the warehouse. If he would have called fifteen minutes earlier, he would have heard nothing but "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" considering Jack was right under a garbage truck's drive train. Either of these scenarios would have been completely detrimental to Cheng's plan as it can be logically inferred that Cheng needs Jack for something or he would not be holding Audrey.

Just sayin'

Mock Draft - Who Deserves Monkey Steals the Peach?

2007-03-27T23:33:00.001-04:00

Monkey Steals the Peach... perhaps the most dreaded and feared maneuver in all of the ninja's aresenal.

This mock draft will pick those individuals who most deserve this performed upon them.

Rules:
1) Fictional or Non-fictional. 2) Must give reason why. 3) Must have peaches to be stolen (see picture for explanation)

First JS pick: Anyone presently in Metallica.

JS: Not only do I think that they're one of the sorriest tales of corporate sell out bands I've ever heard, but I can't even look at Kirk Hammett's lame facial hair without getting mad. I hate them for their spoiled rock star whining about Napster and I hate the fact that every time I pay for music I think of Lars Ulrich testifying before Congress. (It was a rainy day and I was watching it on a green couch in my Monmouth Beach apartment you sell out!!!!!) I also hate them for that album of cover songs where they manage to sully an astonishing range of music by everyone from Bob Seger to the Misfits. Also, I hate the fact that every wanna be rock station apparently hasn't heard enough of Enter Sandman.

First JD Pick: Bud Selig

JD: A successful businessman who, in my opinion, cares very little for the game of baseball or its fans. Revenues are through the roof, so he assumes that he has been successful. Meanwhile, he has sat idly by while players have soiled the game (Bonds, Giambi, etc…) when a stronger commissioner who cares about the integrity of the game (Giamatti, Vincent) would have taken action. Moreover, Selig is more concerned with getting baseball broadcasts to China and Japan then he is with the fact that the number of young people who play the game in this country is steadily decreasing. Don’t get me started on this DirectTV deal, which will rob both me and my father of access to Extra Innings this year. Selig says, “the DirectTV people tell me that the number of people who can’t get it is infinitesimal.” Really? The DirectTV people are saying that? Do you think maybe they have an ulterior motive? Mark my words, the game of baseball will suffer in the next decade for the shortsightedness and money-grabbing of the Selig tenure.

JS: I would have followed up with everyone in the NHL during the strike, but, that would just be playing "catch-up" to this selection.

JD: That would have been a lot of peaches too.

JS: *laughing*
I would have needed a potato sack.
*gets cold chill down spine at image*

First TK Pick: Mr. Damon Lindelof (?!)

TK: Monkey Steals the peach.

This is a serious punishment presented in a whimsical fashion. I struggle with the task of identifying a proper individual to signal out for this honor, let alone two of them. My initial instinct was to go political, but that really raises the level of discourse to a level that no one really is aiming for in this poll. Plus, why get political and risk the possible investigation of the Secret Service or Homeland Security. The next topic was religion, not mainstream religion, but individuals who hold themselves out as religious leaders who are clearly just in it for the money. Again, obvious and not very satisfying to me personally. Finally, there is personal matters that impact me and my family. Again, that is way too serious for this type of inquiry, plus just because a 7 year old terrorist may be impacting my daughters enjoyment of first grade, there is no reason to punish him this harshly. So, I am left with finding something that I care about enough that is not really serious and is being harmed by a person eligible for this punishment.
Things I care about in no particular order that meet this criteria.

Sports.

All sorts of sports, from the NFL Giants, MLB Mets, NHL Rangers, NCAA Football and Hoops Rutgers, Rugby Union, Ireland, Hurricanes, Soccer, Chelsea, US National Team.

In this category I have hatred for teams, Cowboys, Eagles, Braves, Islanders, Flyers, Syracuse, the ACC, Duke, I know but really they deserve special mention, I hate Jerry Jones, T-O, Eagle Fans, Flyer Fans, Cowboy Fans, and I hate the Eagles. Again, that is important.
None of this really pisses me off enough to warrant this punishment.

Music.

Unfortunately, I have not had any strong feelings about music in 10 years. I like what I like, ignore the rest.

Movies

Again, ignore the dumb stuff, watch what I like. Further, while Lucas screwed up the prequel, it did have redeeming qualities and he earned a free pass with the first three. The only adaptation I cared about recently was LOTR and that was done spectacularly.

Television

Tivo is your friend. But this area is my first nomination. Mr. Damon Lindelof Co-Creator and Head Writer of the series Lost. He fits nicely in the criteria, he created a show with a decent premise, a good first season, and then when J.J. Abrams left to do MI III he allowed himself to be bullied by network executives to destroy the show for profits. I do not care deeply about Lost, but I hate to see things ruined simply out of greed. So, my first nomination.

JS: Seems a long way around for a relatively obscure pick, but, I can't say the thought was not there. Moreover, after seeing the guy's picture, he deserves it simply for being himself.

First TC Pick: O.J. Simpson

TC: I'll make my first pick simple and decisive. OJ Simpson. That murderer really deserves it. Especially after the notion that he was going to make money by publishing a book "If I Did It" and a subsequent tv interview.

JD: Bonus points if you steal his peaches while he’s in the middle of a round of golf.

JS: Super extra double bonus points if you set one "peach" up on a tee and hit it for 300.

TC: ...and then publish a book about it.

Second JD Pick: Ryan Seacrest

JD: I’ll have to go with Ryan Seacrest. I don’t watch American Idol and he has no impact on my day-to-day life but I think he is typical of the feminization of the American male and he also runs counter to the American work ethic in that he is successful without any appreciable talent. From what I’ve seen he’s not even particularly good at being a “talking head” and yet somehow he exudes massive amounts of arrogance, most likely as a means of covering up the fact that he cannot demonstrate what talents have lead to his success.

JS: While Ryan Seacrest runs perilously close to the borderline of that class of individuals who would not actually notice if their peaches were stolen, your rationale for choosing him is categorically sound and well made.

My only addition would be to add that, so long as he is intent on appearing as if he has no use for his peaches, he deserves to have them stolen.

P.S. I am laughing at the phrase "good Monkey Steals the Peach." It is as if there are half-hearted Monkey Steals the Peaches out there and you are trying to insure that they get one of the "good" ones.

Second JS Pick

JS: I have been giving some serious thought as to who my second person who deserves the dreaded "monkey steals the peach" move. My problem is striking the balance between someone who needs to be "taken out" (President of Iran) and someone who just needs a good ol' punch-grab-rip to the nether region with the caveat of not taking someone who, if such a maneuver was performed, would not know the difference (Tim Robbins). I hope I have struck the balance appropriately... my second selection is:

Donald Trump

Thankfully the media blitz surrounding this guy has cooled off a bit. However, just like his bankrupted business ventures, I know he is going to turn up again. To everyone who might be entertaining the notion that he is a self-made man... Google Fred Trump, his father. The guy is a grown up spoiled brat who fashions himself an "alpha" male and, as a result, has a built-in excuse for his behavior that only applies to himself. To me, he is the antithesis of the phrase "manners maketh man." Simply put, where that phrase embodies the sentiment that it is not one's birth, money, or property that defines you, but, in how you behave towards other people, he represents everything that statement stands against. In other words, the only way this guy gets any worse is if he were French. However, considering he is an American, and people might look at him as an exemplar of what we aspire to, he might be worse than a Frenchman.

TK second pick:My second subject is the man who created the "blackout" rule for local sporting events. I am not sure who invented the concept, but it was in the 60's so it had to be a subject eligible for this treatment. Furthermore, I would administer one to everyone who has the chance to change these archaic rules and continues to uphold them.

JS: Not bad... I actually had a twenty minute phone call with someone from Comcast inquiring why, in Monmouth County, New Jersey, I can not watch a baseball game being played in Queens, New York. He was somewhat at a loss for an explanation.

Second TC Pick:

(At this juncture, TC gave a somewhat rambling narrative, albeit borrowed from another source, telling the tale of someone who lacked respect for "The Greatest Generation" and is, all around, a bit of a douchebag.)

As a result, I nominate the paradigm of this man:

Fred Durst.

Good Draft... more to come.

Rain Man

2007-03-27T08:29:00.000-04:00

Definitely a good computer programmer... definitely a good programmer.

So the computer leak was Rainman's fault. Nothing like using your autistic brother to sell government secrets to terrorists. That guy should have a nice little niche of hell reserved for him. Notwithstanding, I was a little uncomfortable seeing Jack's sensitive side dealing with Rainman. At one point, you saw how Jack took a moment to reflect upon the loss of his brother. That was a nice touch. However, it clearly did not touch him that much to send Rainman to do the drop. One more thing.... there is one road for the car to drive upon and one sidewalk for Rainman to stand on.... and the sniper with the dart takes up a position in between his target and Rainman. Nice going shooter! Perhaps, next time, you can take a position where you have a concrete wall in between you and the target.

It looks like we are getting geared up for a "legal coup" kind of like a velvet revolution, but, with silk ties and Brooks Brothers suits.

Not much in the way of excitement though.

Latest 24...

2007-03-20T09:12:00.000-04:00

Where is this season going?

My sneaking suspicion is that this whole thing with the nukes is going to run out of steam very fast. The plot will take a major change and the whole issue concerning the nukes will be forgotten. There is a connection between the people who had Jack abducted and the nuclear threat. The connection is his father. After the next couple of episodes, we will be on this plot line.

Mark my words.

Regarding this latest episode...

1) There is a paved airport in the middle of the desert? They even had the runway heading (61) at the end of it!!! Wouldn't that be a keen place to start your search when looking for airborne drones?

2) The pilot of the drone is three blocks from CTU? Who planned this operation?

3) I like Silverspoon more and more, especially after that crack about Milo wanting to get in Nadia's pants. He tells it like it is and does not hold punches because, dammit, there are three nukes ready to go off. I wouldn't mind a spin off with that character.

4) Regarding Nadia... they will take us down the usual "she isn't... is she? She IS... no, she is not." route and, by the end, she will be back at her post.

5) The VP is laughable. No one could take the position he is taking and be serious. To call a cracked suitcase nuke a "dirty bomb" is, well, laughable. I like the warden from Shawshank as the SecDef though. I think we will be seeing more of him.

Top Two...

2007-03-15T14:03:00.000-04:00

I have decided to bring my affinity for "mock drafts" to my blog so we do not have the e-mails circling around our work spaces. So, here is my latest mock draft:

Top two vehicles from a movie that you want as your own.

Rules:
1) Must be a vehicle that is grounded in the laws of physics and could actually work. No "Optimus Prime" responses.
2) Fictional vehicles are allowed, however, they must pass a "sniff test" as to whether or not it could work.

3) You must actually be able to operate the vehicle. So, unless you have your PPL, there should be no "F-14 Tomcat" responses.

As always, I go first.

EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle.

Based on a GMC motor home, the EM-50 carried a cannon, machine guns, flame throwers, missiles, and all manner of infantry weapons. Also standard on this model were hideaway armor plating which would cover the windows and other vulnerable points when going into combat. It also featured a fully equipped communications and navigation suite. Can you see it now? The Shotter clan cruising around in this thing? That fact that you just said "yes", without hesitation, tells you why this is my number one vehicle.

Oh yeah... if anyone is ever stuck in Wisconsin, I can come get them.

Getting better...

2007-03-13T08:36:00.000-04:00

However, I am curious as to how the Russian President is going to explain to the families of those dead guards how they died.

Also, I wish they would not have had so many suggestive shots of a cutting instrument prior to the actual stabbing. I knew it was going to happen before it happened and, I wish I didn't. Lastly, I really wish they did not kill off the character they killed off last night. I liked him a lot.

I am being vague in case Mitch looks at the site.

One more thing, not to nitpick, but, all the Russian uniformed personnel were officers? Not an enlisted one in the ranks?

Out of the mouths of babes...

2007-03-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

"Daddy, when I fart, it is cute. When you fart, it is stinky."

The English language

2007-03-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

Orangina = Oran-gee-nuh

Vagina = Vuh-jy-nuh

Personally, I think people would look at you weird if you ordered an Oran-jy-nuh, so, I am officially calling it a Vag-gee-nuh from now on.

It is kind of cuter that way.

Captain America is soon to be dead.

2007-03-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

Saddens me a bit. I mean, Captain America is, well, Captain Fricking America!!! How can he die? Want to know how? He gets shot, by bullets.

Let me repeat that for confirmation.

Captain America gets shot and dies.

I mean, am I to believe that Red Skull, after all these years, was just sitting in his lair one day, tossing back a Warsteiner Dunkel, when he stood up and exclaimed "OH.... A BULLET!!!" and proceeded to contact a sniper who can hit a walking man at a couple of hundred yards? In other words, anyone who qualified as a "sharpshooter" in basic could have taken out the American paragon of Righteousness and Democracy. That is simply ignoble.

I always recognized the fact that Cap had no "super" powers to withstand bullets. However, just in terms of probability alone, he would have been hit by a bullet a long time ago. Notwithstanding this fact, I suspended my disbelief because I believed that Captain America was, somehow, protected from this sort of thing because of what he stood for. In other words, his virtue (and status of protagonist) protected him. To kill Cap like this is just plain anti-climactic.

Captain America deserved more.

Sorry about the late post...

2007-03-06T14:07:00.000-05:00

...however, I have the stomach flu that is going around and I decided to keep it in Tinton Falls today so I have the "home bowl" advantage.

BLAM!

2007-02-27T08:38:00.000-05:00

And...just like that... we have a new plotline.

The Coolest picture you will see today.

2007-02-26T09:01:00.002-05:00

This is a picture of the recent ice/snow storm, in the North East.

That is pretty cool.

I have seen it now

2007-02-20T08:36:00.001-05:00

Glad to see Lennox is not a heel after all (I called it).

Sad to see DB Woodside still can't act.

Glad to see Boris the Bullet dodger.

Sad to see Rena Sofer's character be such an idiot.

Glad to see Jack has not lost his sense of humor ("point and shoot").

Sad to see Jack so willing to give up his life when there are three bombs on the loose (I think this is out of character).

Glad to see Morris and Chloe acting really human (seriously, Chloe was becoming a one-trick pony).

Sad to see ANOTHER plot to kill the president.

REALLY FRICKING GLAD to see Charles Logan.

What can I say? My feelings were mixed with this episode. However, I can say that this season has still not gripped me the way I thought it would.

I hate my DVR

2007-02-13T08:32:00.001-05:00

Thats right.... 12 minutes left in the two-hour show and I run out of recording space.

Anyone care to fill me in?

Review of 300

2007-02-12T08:48:00.000-05:00

Normally, I do not get sucked into reading reviews because they invariably ruin my movie experience. However, I read this one and have posted it here sheerly for its poetic value:

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule. It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES
Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS
Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)
These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES. Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?
My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

"...but the ice is frozen whiskey." That is just gold.

I was probably going to see this anyway, but now, I have to.

Happy Birthday President Reagan

2007-02-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

On January 20, 1981, Ronald Wilson Reagan became the 40th President of the United States.

He championed “a great new beginning” for America – one grounded upon our Founding Principles, unlimited by burdensome government, and sustained by the belief, that no matter how arduous or complex the challenge, America’s best days always lie ahead.

When inaugurated 26 years ago, few doubted his political beliefs and personal optimism. Many questioned his ability. Yet, eight years later, his Presidency, that sought to change a nation, had changed a world. And, over a quarter century later, the depth of his acknowledge and the clarity of his vision are continually unfolding.

From his immortal speech at the Brandenbug Gate befre the people of the City of West Berlin, June 12, 1987:

In the 1950's, Khrushchev predicted: "We will bury you." But in the West today, we see a free world that has achieved a level of prosperity and well-being unprecedented in all human history. In the Communist world, we see failure, technological backwardness, declining standards of health, even want of the most basic kind -- too little food. Even today, the Soviet Union still cannot feed itself. After these four decades, then, there stands before the entire world one great and inescapable conclusion: Freedom leads to prosperity. Freedom replaces the ancient hatreds among the nations with comity and peace. Freedom is the victor.

Today is his birthday. Viva la Reagan Revolution!

Requiscat in Pace, Graem Bauer

2007-02-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

He had more stones than anyone gave him credit for.

Not only will he be missed, but, I found a new respect for him.

I do not want to hear any "b-b-but... he is just as bad as the terrorists!" nonsense either.

Perhaps, someday, we will see the true extent of the conspiracy as I never did buy the whole oil lines in Central Asia thing.

Side note, the whole thing with the pixilated picture was RIGHT from "No Way Out" with Kevin Costner.

One more thing... DB Woodside is not a very good actor. His facial ticks are an amateurish attempt to look pained. He really takes me out of the moment.

Couple notes about Super Bowl XLI

2007-02-05T12:37:00.000-05:00

Pre-Game - The pre-game show could not have been any gayer. It was like the Summer Olympics were being held in San Francisco, but broadcast in French by Andy Dick. I would not have been surprised if, at some point, some "guy" went flying across the screen with a rainbow streaming from his ass. In fact, I think I saw that out of the corner of my eye.

NFL, for the future, the Super Bowl should be an event whereby Americans make the rest of the world tremble with fear at our love of things violent, militaristic and dripping with jingoism. The way this thing went down, next year we are going to need polar bears with metal claws and wild stallions with adamantium antlers fused into their skulls fighting to the death to make up for lost ground. When the Thunderbirds did their fly-over, I wondered how cool it would have been if they came a little earlier and dropped some cluster munitions on the pre-game show. When that didn't happen, I actually wished the Super Bowl was held in Philly. Those Cirque de Soleil faeries would have been sent running from the field, with size D batteries sticking out of their heads. Now that I think about it, I think that should be next years pre-game show.

Katie Couric - How did this venomous "V" (think 1980s t.v.) find her way into my high holy day's line up? I half expected her to get caught eating a guinea pig in between segments.

The Game - While not exactly the best game in terms of execution and style, I'll be damned if it was not one of the more exciting ones in a while. I used to think it should be held in a dome each year. Screw that. Next year, I want rain machines and wind tunnels.

Rex Grossman looks like he is trying to throw a ball to Jupiter when he tries to go deep.

Peyton Manning is a cyborg. A goofy cyborg that goes "aw, shucks" instead of "fuck you, asshole." I am willing to bet $100 that Payton was in bed last night before 12:00 and, before he rested his tired eyes, he looked up at the Colts pennant on his wall and gave himself a little pump-fisted "yes!" under his Colts blanket before saying his prayers.

The "black coach" thing - Frankly, I did not want to hear about it. No, not because I am some sort of racist jerk-off. Rather, I long for the day that a great coach, who happens to be black, can just be a "great coach" instead of a "great black coach." You know, that whole "content of their character" thing?

My Boy is a Chinese Acrobat

2007-02-02T09:34:00.000-05:00

Seriously.

The boy is approaching his first birthday. This is roughly about the time when he will transform from a creature that eats, craps, cries, whines, eats and craps some more into a little person that I can do things with. However, already, he has demonstrated the physical acuity of Jackie Chan.

I have seen him crawl up three stairs, reach the gate that blocks further progression up those stairs, climb the gate (yes, I said climb the Goddamn gate) using his hands and toes (not just using his toes, but, clenching the Goddamn mesh in between his big toe and the second toe (you know, the piggie who stayed home)), look back over his shoulder and, with a pregnant pause for dramatic effect, launch himself into the Goddamn air backwards, spin in mid air and land on all fours with the flat "twhap" sound that Olympic Judo practitioners work a lifetime to achieve.

All this he does with the nonchalance of an NBA all-star performing a standard lay-up in pre-game warm-ups.

The first time this happened, I was almost in too much shock to think about it. Now, as with all things in parenting, I have grown accustomed to it and even grade him on his performance. I gave his his highest mark when he managed to spin his body about 120 degrees from the plane created by the gate.

I better get myself down to fighting weight before this kid fully transforms or I am going to pay for it.

24 thread

2007-01-29T21:53:00.000-05:00

Graem Bauer - Schemer or rheemer?

"Retro"

2007-01-29T09:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I am now, "retro."

Let me explain.

By way of background, I have played ice hockey for a very, very long time. Consequently, I have ice skated for a very, very long time. I am not going to get into my pedigree here, because this post is not about my skating skills.

I have been happy as a lark ever since Elizabeth saw her cousin play hockey and found out that the goalie was a girl, and her name was Elizabeth. Now, every time she sees a hockey game she asks: "Where the goalie?" Is that E-wizabef?"

So, I took my daughter ice skating this weekend. I have been looking forward to this moment for a very long time due to a grossly under researched phenomenon referred to as the "law of diminishing aspirations in professional sports." This law is most easily expressed by way of example- my dreams regarding professional sports have gone from "I can play" to "I can coach" to "I can have my kids become pros." Yes, that is the way it goes down for corporate Americans and that is they way it went with me (although, I know I can coach, I just can't give up the job in order to do it).

OK, so, there I am at the local ice rink with my two-year-old daughter. The smell of the freon coolant, the echoes of sticks hitting the ice, a zamboni motor humming in the background. Bliss, pure bliss. A lifetime of youth and vitality percolates from deep within the recesses of my unconscious mind and cascades over my frontal lobe like a blizzard in July. For the first time in a long time, I no longer feel like a corporate suit, I feel like the self that I know that I really am.

Almost inebriated with giddiness, I went to get my trusted blades sharpened. I put my battle-hardened companions on the counter and the "dude" behind the counter looks at them and says: "wow, man, those skates are really retro!"

In a single moment, I came crashing down to Earth. I could have commented that I thought "today's" skates are nothing more than an attempt to "flash" up one's footwear like those tacky NBA sneakers, but, I felt too deflated. My only comment was: "Those skates and I have been through alot together." Not even realizing I was quoting Luke Skywalker, and further dating myself, I turned away and felt like a man in his (early!) thirties again.

Then, I saw this:

...and I felt like I was pretty cool again.

Am I my brother's keeper?

2007-01-23T08:51:00.000-05:00

**SPOILER ALERT (highlight the following empty space to read)**

So, Graham is Jack Bauer's brother.

Personally, I think this development is very cheesy. I have referred to this tendency of having all the main characters in an ongoing somehow related to each other as the "Star Wars Syndrome."

It started with "No, I am your father." Without doubt, these five words made a generation collectively gasp. However, with each iteration, it loses its power. You see, as the Star Wars Syndrome spins into absurdity, Boba Fett is actually the son of the guy used to create every single Clonetrooper in the Empire who, by the way, also hired an assassin to kill the woman who would become Darth Vader's "wife" and mother to Luke and Leia. Moreover, Obi-wan was trained by Qui-gon who was trained by the evil Count Dooku who, in turn was trained by Yoda who, in turn, trains Luke. The problem with these type of circular relationships between main characters is that it defies credibility. The world has a lot of people in it. All the cool and adventurous things in the world do not happen to one family. I suppose it comes from the Greeks, you know, Oedipus starting off a series of stories concerning his cursed offspring. However, it is getting kind of, well, old. Listen screenwriters, I know it is tempting to go for the "shock" moment when two, seemingly opposed, characters share a familial bond. However, when we see it over and over and over, it loses its shock value.

With respect to the episode, this episode had to be a "calm down" episode due to the fact that a nuke just got detonated in LA (the whole plot of season two). So I did not think this episode was going to have a bunch of action. While I was not disappointed in the whole, the "brother" thing is cheap.

Exhibit "A", in support of my premise:

Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

Lone Starr: What?

Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.

Lone Starr: What's that make us?

Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.

That was in 1987. If it was being mocked in 1987, it is time to stop using the technique.

Predictions:

The blond kid is really Jack's

Comments:

1) Graham's wife is really hot.

2) D.B. Woodside is no Gregory Itzin.

3) Graham was very smooth last season, now he's like a babbling dork.

Funny Moment:

"You may think of me as your enemy, but today I assure you I am not"

"Pffff, Blow me."

(Well, thats what I heard anyway.)

P.S. To "make the circle complete," with my circuitous cross references, today is Randolph Scott's birthday. *singing with hand on heart* Ran-dolph Scooooott!

Stupid

2007-01-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

stupid

I love this:

Rabiah Ahmed, a spokeswoman for the Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations. She said Thursday she was distressed by this season's premiere. "After watching that show, I was afraid to go to the grocery store because I wasn't sure the person next to me would be able to differentiate between fiction and reality."

Ms. Ahmed, respectfully, that is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. I mean, ahhh forget it. I just can't find the words to respond to this rationally.

Jack is Back...

2007-01-16T08:48:00.000-05:00

... and he is apparently very hungry.

I have to say, I was expecting the bite to the neck. It was the only thing he could do. What I was not expecting is the camera to stay on the scene long enough to get the spit out of the chunk of flesh. That made me go "OHHH!" out loud.

Ted beat me to the punch on the input. So, I will simply build on what he, and Erica, said.

Mysteries that will be revealed?

1) What did Chinese get for releasing Jack? I say Missile Technology.

I think it can be almost anything. My bet is that the Chinese will not be in the picture anymore though.

2) Who is the CTU nemesis to Jack? Nadia? Milo? English Guy? I say Nadia turns into more of a thorn then anyone.

I know it is practically mandatory for someone in CTU to be "bad", but, I am not sure they are going that route this season. I think the bad guy will be Thomas Lennox, at least for a while. I am not sure he will be the bad guy all season. It is too early to tip the hand on the main foil. Moreover, I kind of like him. Despite his somewhat questionable methods, I really think he has the best interest of the country at heart and, more importantly, I loved the way he dismissed Sandra Palmer (my most annoying character) on the phone when he said this would make the subject of a great law review article. In other worlds: "you are an idealistic academic living in fantasy land and I am dealing with a life-and-death scenario. Now, please, shut up." I loved it.

3) Is the Presidents sister married to a terrorist? I say no, but it is early.

Regarding this whole Antigone subplot with Sandra Palmer, I find her to be completely annoying and wholly wrong. Moreover, I found her actions to be completely over-the-line and felt that her brother's slight-of-hand dismissal of her actions to be reprehensible. Simply put, if she was such a "law and order" person, she would have complied with the subpoena, filed a motion with the court, and obtained a protective order. Her actions SMACKED of "I am the President's sister and I can do what I want."

Regarding the husband, I say he was definitely not a terrorist going into detention. I think his plot line will play out like this: He gets valuable information-he is wrongfully interrogated by the staff-he contemplates not giving the information because he is so mad-in the end, he divulges the information because it is the right thing to do, regardless of how he was treated and that information saves the day.

However, Erica raises a good point. Could Sandra be the person with something to hide? I did not think of that and I think that would be an awesome plot twist.

4) What is in the package? My guess is a detonator device.

no comment.

5) And the big one, can Assad be trusted? I say in the end yes.

no comment.

Kudos

1) Nice beat down scene of Kumar in the house. The kick into the coffee table, cliché but effective.

I liked it too. I told MB this morning that Kumar was a terrorist and she laughed. I have to say, I kept expecting Kumar to start cracking up in a stoner voice and say: "haaaa!!! psyche! Lets get baked!"

2) Good missile attack on the house in Inglewood. Interesting no mention of collateral casualties. I also think that if a man tells you a house is going to be destroyed by missile securing the files on the CPU is useless.

You would be surprised how much stuff they retrieve from a blown up hard drive. Moreover, they had no idea what kind of munition was going to be used, so, I think it was a prudent decision.

3) Audrey, my daughter, well done.

Agreed.

4) Everyone once again realizing Jack is always right.

You would think that they would just know that already!

5) The fact that cities without a Jack Bauer are just screwed.

Agreed. Thankfully, Newark has a John Shotter, so, this city is safe.

Missed the mark.

1) The subway scene, too predictable, plus I cannot believe LA has guys checking tickets on the subway, but what do I know.

I did not mind that. In fact, I liked the little touch concerning the subway posters. If you look, they were all "report suspicious behavior" posters. I thought that was well done.

2) Chloe getting Nadia to break protocol and explain everything we needed to know about why Jack was back. Why couldn't they just have us in the meeting? Can't Chloe ever follow protocol?

When that whole thing started to unfold, I rolled my eyes. I would have been pissed if Chloe and her little friend managed to outwit the entire nation there. I was glad it backfired because it would have been TOTALLY lame if it did not.

3) Milo, that actor is like Rudy last year, out of place on 24. He screams slacker.

Not sure what I think about him yet. The shaved head, and the terrorist's shaved head, have me a little on guard (not much to go on, I know).

4) Yes, they have not explained Wayne as president yet, I do like the fact that this country elected a black president in David Palmer, he serves one term, and then four years later elects the second black President, his younger brother. The Palmers are not the black Kennedys.

Apparently, they are. I don't like him as President. Also, it seems they went with the "not-sure-of-himself" President route again. Not sure anyone can be as good as Charles Logan in that role. Moreover, as stated above, I really was shocked how he set his sister free. Not only does it nullify the whole Antigone plotline they could have developed, but, it smacked of corruption.

5) Once again, the easiest perimeter to breach is a CTU perimeter.

Again, I always think of General Stilwell in the movie 1941 when he asks a soldier incredulously: "You can hold one block can't you?"

All in all, great season opener.

What got me the most was how real it felt. The Cetnox gas thing always had a bit of the old 1970s James Bond (i.e. corny) feel to it. This felt real and felt dangerously close to reality. I like this a lot. However, I just KNOW that the BTG will be implicated in this and, officially, feel this is lame.

Can't people hate America and our way of life without rich white people being the real villains pulling the strings?

Mr. President?

2007-01-11T08:58:00.000-05:00

In a trailer, I saw Wayne Palmer sitting in the oval office being addressed as Mr. President. Not sure I like that. Too hokey.

Moreover, I am not sure enough time has passed in between last season and this season to allow for him to 1) raise the funds to run, 2) conduct a campaign, 3) actually run for offfice and 4) be a sitting President. Unless, of course, they are going to to a "three years later" thing right from the beginning. If they do that, well, they are at the rope's end. By way of example, when the Tom Clancy books made Jack Ryan President, the stories took on a more fictional feel to them and lost the "this really happened" feeling Hunt for Red October had. Now, I know that we never had a President David Palmer so 24 was always fictional. However, I think that when you take a show which has, as its theme, a "live ation" component as its hook, you can't come back with a "three years later" prologue when three years have not passed for us.

Rosie v. Donald

2007-01-09T16:05:00.000-05:00

For anyone following this teen-age drama, I present to you the following:

That is all.

The following blog will see increased traffic between January 14, 2007 and May 21, 2007...boop beep boop beep...

2007-01-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

The new season of 24 begins on January 14, 2007.

Rather than tie up our work e-mails, Ted has suggested that we have our 24 discussion thread here.

I think this is a very good idea and welcome everyone to visit my site to conduct our weekly 24 discussion.

If you have any questions as to how to operate the site, please reach out to me.

The New Harry Potter title has been announced.

2006-12-21T16:36:00.000-05:00

I think the book will pan out like this:

Its all a dream and Harry wakes up at his sexually abusive step parents the Dursleys. Having no magic powers, and knowing his parents died due to a drug overdose, he hangs himself.

AP stages their photos

2006-12-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

The following are two AP photos:

From CNN:

From DrudgeReport:

For God's sake, you would think they would move the shooter away from the same graffiti. However, the addition of the Keffiyeh over the face in the second photo was a nice attempt at making it look different.

Sad really.

P.S. Shooter, for your next photo op, you might want to drop your non-firing elbow, you know, to make it look like you have fired a rifle before.

Just a funny thing I came across

2006-12-14T13:11:00.000-05:00

Pretty Christmas

2006-12-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

I went crazy with Christmas lights and my house is pretty well lit. It was worth it though. Prior to this, the wife would take the kids driving around and spot the houses with nice lights... "Pretty Christmas outside John-John's window... Pretty Christmas outside Elizabeth's window" being the operative call words.

Well, I was stringing up these lights well after 10:30 at night. Elizabeth was outside with me "helping" by putting empty boxes in her red wagon. So... the time comes to light-er-up (I have a remote on/off switch so I can stand 40 feet away and push a button so they all come on at once). When I do, Elizabeth's face gets real wide-eyed and she turns to me and says, with a great deal of pride, "That's MY house." "Pretty Christmas at MY house!" and gives me a big hug.

Christmas lights - $350.00
Hanging lights - 5 Man-Hours
The look on my daughters face when HER house gets Pretty Christmas - Priceless.

And the First Lotto number is...

2006-12-01T08:54:00.000-05:00

My daughter insists that I tuck her in at night.

In fact, even when she is not going to bed, she will tell me that she is "going night-night" and will lie down on the floor in order for me to tuck her in (using whatever blanket is handy) right then and there. Ever since she was an infant, I always do the same thing. I make sure she is in a comfortable position, place a blanket over her and, with the tips of my fingers, make sure the blanket is shoved about one inch under her body all over. When this routine is over, I lean over, say "night-night" and give her a kiss on the head and tussle her hair.

This does not get old.

Last night, my daughter and I were playing in the living room and she said, "Daddy, YOU go night-night." So, I proceeded to lay on the floor while Elizabeth ran out of the room. She came back from the laundry room with a king size sheet, one quarter crushed up in her arms with the remainder in tow behind her dragging on the floor.

She proceeded to spread the sheet out as flat as she could over me and, with the dedication of a hospice nurse, proceeded to tuck the sheet under me in the same fashion I do to her. Mind you, with her little hands, this took about 10 minutes. Then, when she was done, she stood back to view her achievement, smiled, and proceeded to climb on top of my back. Then, after scaling Mount Dad, she gently kissed the back of my head and said "night-night daddy" and tussled my hair.

A child's mind is kind of like a running lotto machine. There are a lot of balls bouncing around in there and, notwithstanding all your efforts, you are forced to sit there and wait until the balls come up that chute to see if you are going to be a winner. When she climbed up on top of me to give me a kiss on my head, it was like the first ball was called and, with muted excitement, I looked down on my sheet to see that I had my first match.

An interim post...

2006-11-30T09:14:00.000-05:00

I am still working out the details of my aforementioned McQueen/Hoffman scale, but, in the interim, I wanted to post something that happened to me today.

I am presently reading the memoirs of Otto Skorzeny. If you did not know, Otto Skorzeny was a German soldier who fought in WWII, founded the German special forces and personally conducted several daring SF raids. Fascinating man.

On September 12 1943, he lead a daring glider-based assault on the Campo Imperatore Hotel at Gran Sasso, and rescued from the Italian government Mussolini without firing a single bullet.

In October 1944, Hitler sent him to Hungary when he received word that Hungary's Regent, Miklós Horthy was secretly negotiating his country's surrender with the Red Army. This surrender would have cut off a million German troops fighting in the Balkan peninsula. Skorzeny, in another daring "snatch" codenamed Operation Panzerfaust, kidnapped Horthy's son Nicolas and forced his father to abdicate as Regent. A pro-German government was installed in Hungary which fought alongside Germany until German troops were driven out of Hungary by the Red Army in April 1945.

On October 21, Hitler, inspired by an American subterfuge which had put three captured German tanks flying German colours to devastating use at Aachen, summoned Skorzeny to Berlin and assigned him to lead a panzer brigade. As planned by Skorzeny in Operation Greif, about two dozen German soldiers, most of them in captured American army Jeeps and disguised as American soldiers, penetrated American lines in the early hours of the Battle of the Bulge and sowed disorder and confusion behind the Allied lines. A handful of his men were captured by the Americans and spread a rumour that Skorzeny was leading a raid on Paris to kill or capture General Eisenhower. Although this was untrue, Eisenhower was confined to his headquarters for weeks and Skorzeny was labelled "the most dangerous man in Europe".

Skorzeny surrendered to the Allies in May 1945 and was held as a prisoner of war for more than two years before being tried as a war criminal at the Dachau Military Tribunal for his actions in the Battle of the Bulge. However, he was acquitted when Wing Commander Yeo-Thomas G.C. of the SOE testified in his defense that Allied forces had also fought in enemy uniform. But he was held until he escaped from a prison camp on July 27, 1948.

The man is not only an important figure in military history, but an importantly player in world history. Moreover, from what I read in his memoirs, while he joined the NSDAP, he withdrew his membership before the war because they simply never did anything. The man was a true soldier who lived a fierce and daring life. Yes he fought against us in WWII. However, so did Rommel, and he is generally respected by any historian.

OK, so, I am reading his memoirs on the train. The cover of the book appears exactly as follows:

So, this guy sits down next to me on the train, sees the cover of the book, and gives me a look of disgust, gets up from his seat and moves two seats down the line.

What is that about? I mean, if I was reading a book about Stalin, who caused the death of millions, it would not be a big deal. But, because this is a book about someone who he does not know and is wearing an Iron Cross, I am, somehow, transformed into a Neo-Nazi?

People just piss me off.

I figured it out!!!

2006-11-14T16:13:00.000-05:00

After teasing and toying and fiddling around like a high-school freshman giving oral for the first time, I finally figured out what I am going to with this blog.

I am not divulging the details yet, because, well, I have yet to work them out in the detail necessary to actually publish it, but, I will soon present to the world:

The McQueen/Hoffman scale of my life's activities.

Fuck You News People.

2006-11-09T13:38:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Ed Bradley has died.

As a result, we are getting news feeds and "special reports" concerning the life and works of a news reporter and what a special guy he was.

Approximately 1500 people die from cancer, in the United States alone, each day

Why am I hearing about this guy?

For God sakes, he looked toward a camera and read a teleprompter. When he wasn't doing that, we was reading (or, gasp, perhaps recalling from memory) questions that were written out for him before hand while pausing to make that "I am pondering your answer" head nod all "live interview" newscasters do.

How about the single mother of two who took the bus to the local Friday's in some back-water hole to earn some extra cash to pay the rent and had to try to catch forty-five minutes of sleep next to the loud-mouth on the cell phone because she had to report to her riveting job at 5:30 the morning who just died of lung cancer because her employer wouldn't give the proper NIOSH recommended protections?

What about her, or the 1,498 other people who died today?

Because Bradley was a "media figure" he is given special treatment?

Fuck You News People.

Take a deep breath Democrats.

2006-11-09T09:11:00.000-05:00

In the immortal words of "The Wolf": "Well, let's not start suckin' each other's dicks quite yet."

In Franklin D. Roosevelt's sixth year in 1938, Democrats lost 71 seats in the House and six in the Senate.

In Dwight Eisenhower's sixth year in 1958, Republicans lost 47 House seats, 13 in the Senate.

In John F. Kennedy/Lyndon Johnson's sixth year, Democrats lost 47 seats in the House and three in the Senate.

In Richard Nixon/Gerald Ford's sixth year in office in 1974, Republicans lost 43 House seats and three Senate seats.

Even America's greatest president, Ronald Reagan, lost five House seats and eight Senate seats in his sixth year in office.

Simply put, the party controlling the White House nearly always loses House seats in midterm elections, especially in the sixth year.

What happened this year is not some grand political reformation with Nancy Pelosi gearing up to post a 95 Thesis on the White House door. This is the natural course of American politics. In fact, historically speaking, the Democrats did not really fare too well during this sixth year. It is only for the dim-witted with absolutely no concept of history is this a "tsunami" (as MSNBC calls it).

However, notwithstanding history, I am sure we are all in for a big circle-jerk about how America has a "new direction" and a "new mandate" from the people. Hey, remember when Bush was elected by a substantial margin how he called that a "mandate" from the people?

I am going to "come out" here. I am, and always have been a Republican, and a Conservative. However, ever since we had control of Executive and Legislative branches, I have noticed that Republicans have lost their sense of purpose and gotten soft.

I am not sure how it happened, but I have a theory.

As you should be aware, the primary system we currently use (but did not always use) tends to make candidates cast themselves in a more radical light due to the fact that only "hard core" party members really go out of their way to vote in a primary election (e.g. Lamont in Conn.). In this fashion, Republican candidates, assuming the party would always maintain their control of Congress, began to concentrate on themselves, and how to get themselves into power via the primary system. As a result, they started to pander to the "religious right", a voting block that could be depended upon to get out there for a primary election. This, combined with the media's hijacking of the term "Conservative" to mean a person who espouses a government with a religious slant to it, caused the term "Republican-Conservative" to become synonymous with a white, mid-western Christian.

Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being white, being from the mid-west or being a Christian, or any combination of the three. However, being perceived as a party comprised solely of such persons will not carry a nation's electorate. It is in this confusion with what is means to be a "Republican Conservative" that caused the party to get "soft."

Simply put, a "Republican" is someone who espouses government functioning at its most influential level at the lowest level possible and respects the text of the Constitution (as it is written). In a nutshell, a Republican believes in the sentiment embodied in the Tenth Amendment of the Constitution which reads:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people.

Thus, according to a true Republican, the Federal Government is a Government of enumerated powers, and, any powers not specifically ceded to it via the text of the Constitution is "reserved for the States respectively, or to the people."

This is not too tough.

However, it is the term "Conservative" that has caused a bit of confusion amongst people. And it must be the goal of the party to get a clear message of what this really means.

This is no easy task. R.J. White once said that: "[t]o put conservatism in a bottle with a label is like trying to liquefy the atmosphere. The difficulty arises from the nature of the thing. For conservatism is less a political doctrine than a habit of mind, a mode of feeling, a way of living." Notwithstanding this foreboding warning, I will attempt.

Conservatives believe that any existing value or institution has undergone the correcting influence of past experience and ought to be respected. This is because traditions draw on the wisdom of many generations and the tests of time, while "reason", or any other "goal", may be a mask for the preferences of one man, and, at best, only represents the untested wisdom of one generation. It is important not to get caught up in the nonsense of what a "fiscal conservative" or a "religious conservative" is. These are silly names invented by people who have no idea what it means to be "Conservative."

In sum, when the Conservatives of this nation let themselves be labeled under the rubric of "white, mid-western Christian," by virtue of their willingness to be defined by a certain voting block, they lost the ability to apply the doctrine of Conservative thought: that property rights are to be held in high regard and the best form of government evolves over time, with a respect for that which came before.

In this, they were wrong.

However, with all of that said, I am still not sure what it means to be a "Liberal-Democrat". However, it seems as if I am going to have at least two years of seeing people trying to figure that one out.

My Kids are Cute

2006-11-01T08:51:00.000-05:00

Deep thoughts

2006-10-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

pedonecrozoophilia

2006-10-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

Sick

Just read the article. It will make you throw up in your mouth a little bit.

pedo-necro-zoophilia-ex-pee-ali-ocious
Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious

pedo-necro-zoophilia-ex-pee-ali-ocious
Um diddle diddle a dead dog I
Um diddle diddle a dead dog I!

I will quote the real depraved ending for you:

"Officers determined that the house belonged to the man's girlfriend and later learned that the dog, a black Labrador retriever, also belonged to the girlfriend. The dog had been dead for four or five days."

Apparently, now, there are 51 ways to leave your lover.

'nuff said

2006-10-20T09:10:00.000-04:00

And you will know my name is the LORD!!!

2006-10-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Samuel L. Jackson will be voiceing over God in a new version of a spoken Bible. Personally, I do not think it could top this audio Bible, but, I was having some fun thinking of this:

And after this, Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus. And, having partaken of Pilate's gourmet coffee, Pilate heard Joseph's request. Then, Pilate said unto Joseph "Did you notice a sign on this home that says "'Dead Messiah storage'"?

And Joseph replied, "No, verily, I have not."

And unto him Pilate said, "And do you know why you hath not seen that sign? Because storing dead Messiahs is not my business!'"

Theodicy in the Face of Horror

2006-10-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation . . . but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

-Paul in 2 Cor. 7:10

With the news reports concerning the young girls in the Amish school being lined up and shot, apparently before the animal holding them had an opportunity to sexually assault them, the chapter entitled "Rebellion" from The Brothers Karamazov has weighed heavily on my mind. In this chapter, Ivan articulates his problem accepting God's existence to his brother Aloysha, an acolyte at the local monastery. I link it here for your review.

How often has a citation to the evils done to children served as evidence against the existence of God or the existence of a kind and just God? Too many times to note. What does the grave injustice done to those poor girls say about God? How could God be both kind, just, and all-powerful, and yet allow things like this to happen?

I select this quote from Brothers, but, implore you to read the whole chapter:

You see, Alyosha, perhaps it really may happen that if I live to that moment, ... I, too, perhaps, may cry aloud with the rest, looking at the mother embracing the child's torturer, "Thou art just, O Lord!" but I don't want to cry aloud then . . . so I renounce the higher harmony altogether. It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child . . . with its unexpiated tears to "dear, kind God"!

This is an issue which must be answered by every serious, thinking person when contemplating the nature of God, i.e. whether God is kind and/or just. Indeed, if someone can not come to a satisfactory conclusion regarding this issue, and other issues that accompany it, that person's faith must be abandoned. This brings up the concept of Theodicy. Theodicy is the "defense of God's goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil" (Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary).

To stay with The Brothers, in Ivan's view, when horrible things happen to innocent children, justice has been irreparably breached, whether God exists or not. So, even if God does exist, He must be an unjust and unwise God. Alyosha's rebuts that, through Christ and His Atonement, seemingly senseless suffering is expiated and an incomprehensible world is given meaning through His perfect example and sacrifice:

"But there is a Being," the young novice exclaims, "and He can forgive everything, all and for all, because He gave His innocent blood for all and everything. You have forgotten Him . . ."

However, as the next chapter begins, we learn that Ivan has not forgotten Him. Indeed, Ivan, the "metaphysical rebel" shifts into high gear, introducing the figure of the Grand Inquisitor. It is through this Grand Inquisitor that Ivan attempts to prove to Alyosha, and the Christian community, the complete impotence and even deleterious effect of Christ's plan, while, at the same time, setting forth an alternative plan engineered to minimize existing suffering and, most importantly, explain breaches of justice.

The Grand Inquisitor," a "poem in prose" composed by Ivan, takes place in sixteenth century Spain, "in the most terrible time of the Inquisition." In the poem, Christ returns to earth, is admired and worshiped, performs miracles, and even raises someone from the dead, before the Grand Inquisitor appears on the scene, arrests him, takes Him away and locks Him in a prison cell. That night the Grand Inquisitor returns and delivers his accusations against Him, during which Christ does not utter a single word. I will detail the salient points below, but, you would be better served by reading it in its entirety.

The Inquisitor's thesis is as follows:

"Look round and judge; fifteen centuries have passed, look upon them. Whom hast Thou raised up to Thyself? I swear, man is weaker and baser by nature than Thou hast believed him!"

In other words, while the Grand Inquisitor readily acknowledges the salvation of a few elect who have risen above the world and freely chosen to follow the Lord, his question hangs... what of the rest?

"...dost Thou care only for the tens of thousands of the great and strong, while the millions, numerous as the sands of the sea, who are weak but love Thee, must exist only for the sake of the great and strong?"

The Grand Inquisitor, under a self proclaimed love for the "millions" proposes his own alternative plan for its happiness; or, more accurately, for minimizing its suffering:

Socialism, modern man's Tower of Babel, will eventually fail and "end, of course, in cannibalism," at which point man will "crawl, fawning" back to the Inquisitor and his Church, which will then plan the universal happiness of man. Having already taken up the sword of Caesar, they will assume complete control by relieving man of his terrible burden of freedom and providing instead for those most basic needs. "We have corrected Thy work and have founded it upon miracle, mystery, and authority"

The result:

We shall show them that they are weak, that they are only pitiful children, but that childlike happiness is the sweetest of all. . . . And we shall have an answer for all. And they will be glad to believe our answer, for it will save them from the great anxiety and terrible agony they endure at present in making a free decision for themselves. . . . It is prophesied that Thou wilt come again in victory, Thou wilt come with Thy chosen, the proud and strong, but we will say that they have only saved themselves, but we have saved all.

Christ, silent throughout the monologue, responds only with a kiss on the Inquisitor's lips after it is over. "The kiss glows in his heart, but the old man adheres to his idea."

Though Christ's response is powerful in and of itself, it leaves a gaping hole in the heart and mind of anyone desiring to provide an explicit answer to Ivan's rebellion and accusation. The force of the argument in this pair of chapters is enough to weaken the staunchest believer. In raising the issue of the suffering of children, Ivan has touched upon an existing injustice which is absolutely unanswerable from a rational point of view. By the end of the chapters, Ivan's logic has forced Alyosha to admit that he would not consent to the creation of "a fabric of human destiny with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last, but that it was essential and inevitable to torture to death only one tiny creature . . . and to found that edifice on its unavenged tears" what seems to be God's plan of salvation.

One can not blame Alyosha for this concession however. If he had, he would have lost his image of God and ceased to be a man. Alyosha's one and only response to the charge levied in "Rebellion" was the image and gospel of Christ, but Ivan's "Grand Inquisitor" dismissed this argument clearly, even self-evidently, as contraty to the best interests of the vast majority of mankind. More importantly, Ivan's argument is not based on crafty rhetoric, idle word games or loose associations. Logic is on Ivan's side. I have tried, for many nights, to refute the logic of Ivan's arguments and have failed time and time again.

However, in my attempts to refute the logic of the argument head-on like the attorney I am, I missed the point entirely. The subtle response, of whether the existence of suffering for the purpose of the "spiritual progress" of man is justified, is set forth by the dying Father Zosima in his last words to Alyosha and the other members of the monastery shortly before his death. Like Ivan's, Zossima's response develops from the elder's own metaphysical reality. However, Father Zosima's God is kind and just. He is one with Christ, whose sinless life set the example for everyone:

"The Word is for all. All creation and all creatures, every leaf is striving to the Word, singing glory to God, weeping to Christ, unconsciously accomplishing this by the mystery of their sinless life."

The question of suffering still remains for Zosima to answer, however, since he starts from a different premise, Zosima's response ends with an entirely different conclusion. As God is kind and just, any suffering which takes place must, by necessity, be the fault of man. However, since the lives of all people are interwoven, it is impossible to distinguish one or even a handful of people to put the blame on them.

"[A]ll is like an ocean, all is flowing and blending; a touch in one place sets up movement at the other end of the earth".

In other words, according to Zosima, everyone shares in everyone's guilt, all of us are to blame for each others' transgressions.

Do not say, "Sin is mighty, wickedness is mighty, evil environment is mighty, and we are lonely and helpless. . . ." Fly from that dejection, children! There is only one means of salvation, then take yourself and make yourself responsible for all men's sins, . . . for as soon as you sincerely make yourself responsible for everything and for all men, you will see at once that it is really so, and that you are to blame for everyone and for all things.

How does this help me when I think of those children, lined up facing a blackboard, with their ankles bound, who were executed by a pederast? Ivan looked to an outward, logical, objective (Platonic?) standard by which to judge God for the horrible acts committed on Earth. In so doing, Ivan places himself in the role a superior lover and defender of all mankind than God. In essence, Ivan proclaims he knows right from wrong better than God, and passes judgment accordingly. Zosima does not look to such an objective standard. Rather than holding justice to an objective standard, Zosima provokes us to look inwardly into ourselves so that the focus is removed from a idealized "Justice", which is left to God, and placed squarely upon each person, who must do what he can to lessen his own blame.

Again, how does this help me when I think of those children, lined up facing a blackboard, with their ankles bound, who were executed by a pederast? I admit that I am not am not sure. However, I do know that Dostoevsky's two paradigms mirror real life. In real life, both good and evil continually strive, slowly approaching a resolution whose outcome is not readily apparent to me. However, if we all think about those horrible acts, in a serious and meaningful way, the spiritual development harnessed in us all might, just might, make sense of it. Indeed, as Dostoevsky reminds us in the very beginning of his book:

"Most certainly I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit."

-John 12:24

The power of the example set by those two paradigms brings to a fine point the extreme narrowness of the victory of good over evil. While the margin for hope is vaporously thin, it remains pure and distinct....I think.

The Tao of Me

2006-09-25T12:33:00.000-04:00

Steve McQueen and I have yet another thing in common.

I was in San Francisco this weekend and, much to my pleasure, was able to upgrade my rental car to a Mustang convertible.

So, there I am, cruising around the streets of San Francisco in a Mustang and I find myself at the top of Taylor street. Knowing that Taylor Street is one of the more famous streets from the chase scene from Bullitt, I gunned it.

Quite quickly, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my brakes, and the friction generated by rubber hitting road, was quite insufficient to stop my car as I barreled down the hill. I caught air. Real air, not "my shocks are not as compressed as they usually are" air.

I just managed to get my car to a halt at the bottom of the hill when a nurse on a bicycle flew right in front of me. If I had been ONE BIT less able to bring my car to a halt, she would have been hamburger. My wife was screaming the whole time.

It was awesome.

Sad

2006-09-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

Pope Benedict XVI drew ire from Muslim leaders, Islamic communities, and others for remarks at Regensburg University in Germany.

Stop for a minute.

Did you bother to follow the link? If you did, did you actually read the speech? If so, did you read more than one or two paragraphs? If you did, good for you, you and I are, apparently, in the extreme minority in this world. If not, I am not going to paraphrase it, quote it or summarize it for you. Go and read it.

However, before I come across as too harsh, if you answered "no" to any of the above questions, I am not sure you are entirely to blame. First and foremost, do you know how hard it was to find a link to the actual text of the speech? So hard that I actually had to go to the Vatican website to get a copy of it. Every news source in the world is covering this story and, yet, not one provides a link to the actual text of the speech. How can this be?

I refuse to put a tin foil hat on. However, I think this "debate" is evidence that the modern news media does not afford the opportunity for an informed, intelligent and rational discussion on topics. Rather, it tends to make the easy play for "gotcha" journalism, emphasizing the "sexy" aspects of a story in the hopes of getting a story that people want to read. This really does a disservice to us all. However, I read a story this morning which was truly saddening and a grave result of this type of journalism.

Apparently, someone shot a nun to death and there is reason to believe that it might be in "retaliation" for the Pope's speech. Read the article. Whoever did it shot a nun three (or four) times in the back while she was at a children's hospital. You know, I'm trying to think of a less manly and heroic act than shooting a nun in the back three times in a children hospital. Help me out here, there must be something? You know what? I am coming up blank.

Look people, the Pope quoted Manuel II, the Emperor of the Byzantine Empire. While STILL refusing to quote or paraphrase what Manual II was saying, or what the Pope's speech was about (go and read it!) let me say this, Manuel II said what he said when Constantinople was under siege by the Ottoman Sultan Bayezid I from 1394 to 1402. So, the Pope quotes a guy who made a statement when that guy's city was under siege by Muslims and people get so outraged that a leader of Turkey's ruling party said Benedict is "going down in history in the same category as leaders such as Hitler and Mussolini" and someone shoots a nun in the back three times while she is at a children's hospital?

Have we all gone mad?

I am still pondering this...let me get this straight. The Pope says something that Muslims believe states that Muslims are violent. Muslims, angered by this, riot, destroy property, injure, and kill people.

Huh?

OK, I am going to go back on my word a TINY little bit. Hey, if you are reading this far, you deserve a bone. The Pope was talking about how, under the Christian way of thinking, even God himself is subject to the laws of reason. Thus, God can not command one day that "thou shalt not worship idols" and, the next day command that "thou shall worship idols". The bit about Manual II was put in because, from that particular conversation Manuel II had with a Persian scholar, the widely held Muslim belief that the Will of Allah is transcendent of "ration" and, as a result, can change from day to day was articulated. And, for this, the Pope gets to be called "Hitler" and a nun gets shot in the back while she was at a children's hospital. This is truly sad.

Who thinks up this stuff?

2006-09-13T09:13:00.000-04:00

Aside from the primary, albeit "baser", responsibility for a parent to provide for the material well-being of their child, the biggest responsibility given a parent is instilling in a child a sound moral framework which brings the child the greatest potential for fulfillment, joy, and understanding of the many facets of a well lived life. Pause for a moment. Notice how I did not espouse any particular view, mindset or predisposition. That is because I am a firm believer of the concept that one should "lead from the front" or, in the case of children, "lead by example." If you show them how to be an upstanding person, by your actions, deeds and demeanor, they will learn it without you having to tell them. Conversely, probably the greatest harm a parent can do is lead a child astray in this regard.

Enter this book.

Just in the sample pages the reader is presented with the pithy core of socialist philosophy: confiscatory wealth-transfer mechanisms, impossible and irresponsible promises ("always safe"), and lies concerning free market philosophy (suggesting that, without the "mommy" (i.e. state), every child will be not be afforded an education). Listen, if you honestly believe and hold as true the ideals set forth in this book, then I say to you, model those choices consistently in your disposition, mannerisms, deeds and actions. However, please do so outside of politics. Simply let your child develop his or her own political philosophy from examination of their own life. A child can't do this at 4, or even 14. I am always leery of children who are pro-Democrat or pro-Republican. How could they possibly come to the conclusions they are claiming to have without living their own lives life long enough, with specific dilemmas presented them, to even entertain political solutions? They can not. They are simply parroting things their parents have said. This is just wrong.

Listen, there is no questions that children like group behavior. How about getting them involved in sports, music, and social organizations? Leave the politics for when they enter adulthood and are faced with questions that they are equipped to answer, on their own, and can appropriately have a political answer. Otherwise, you are robbing your children of the one thing you should be providing them, the opportunity to make those decisions on their own.

P.S. To any people actually reading this book to their children, I have one name for you: Alex P. Keaton.

Today..on a very special news broadcast...

2006-09-11T09:22:00.000-04:00

"Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath" Ephesians 4:26

I know... I am being opportunistic with my quotation of St. Paul in this regard. However, I am only human.

The last couple of days have brought about an upcropping of various 9/11 "remembrance" TV shows. They all have the same commercial, using the same voice actor they use for "...a very special Will & Grace..." The tenor of all of these shows is of sorrow, sadness, wreath laying, somber reflection and a dash of closure.

I am sorry. I am not buying it.

I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. I saw the second plane hit with my own eyes and remember standing on a sea wall in Sea Bright, NJ with my skin rising up in gooseflesh in the morning air. You know what I don't remember? I do not remember feeling sorrow or sadness. I do not remember wanting to lay a wreath. I sure as hell do not remember any feelings of somber reflection and I know for sure that I would never feel closure. But, here we are, only five years later, and the media is telling us, in a velvet gloved way, to "get over it".

No thank you. I have a right to my anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be angry, that it's not nice to be angry, and that something's wrong with me because I get angry. I will never stop being angry about that day, no matter how many heart-felt movies are made about it or how many times that "very special Will & Grace" voice actor tells me that it is a day to "remember" and to "grieve".

Happy Birthday Rose McGowan

2006-09-05T09:57:00.000-04:00

Can't begin to tell the ways in which this woman is hot.

Don't get me wrong. I am not one of the weirdos who make "unofficial" websites dedicated to celebrities. That is just, well, weird.

However, i'll be damned if this woman doesn't make me feel all tingly in my nether region.

Oh, and if my wife is reading this, it is not really me (i.e. John) typing this, I am a hacker pretending to be John who likes to call you "my wife".

Reason One: Her parents were members of the Children of God and her father ran the Italian chapter of the group. At the age of fifteen, she had the good sense to officially emancipate herself from her parents.

In other words, she has daddy issues. Girls with daddy issues are crazy in the sack.

Reason Two: During an interview, she admitted to the following: "Well, I was out at a restaurant with a guy and his parents in Ohio, and this meathead, the only other customer there, was yelling nasty stuff at us. After dinner, we figured out which car was his and I smashed one of its windows with a rock. Then I called the police, gave them his coordinates, and told them he was extremely drunk and unwilling to relinquish his keys."

In other words, this girl will break a dude's car window with a rock and send him to jail because he said something untoward to you. She demonstrates the type of vicious loyalty that only true men, like myself, can really appreciate.

Reason Three: Quote: "I was up watching Meet Joe Black at four AM. I was hoping Brad Pitt would die, and he was still alive at seven forty in the morning! I actually felt sorry for once, for critics. "

'nuff said.

Reasons Four and Five: Favorite Movie? Sixteen Candles. Favorite Authors? Philip K. Dick and Edgar Allen Poe.

You know what? It is a little creepy how much information there is about movie stars on the web.

With that, I guess I will stop.

Good Bye Pluto

2006-08-24T10:58:00.000-04:00

So, today, they decided that Pluto is no longer considered a planet. Man, that is rough. I mean, you show up for work every day for 800 billion years and then one day bam! You're out on your ass.

I heard he got a great severance package though.

Crom!!!

2006-08-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

This is not exactly new news, but, they are going to "re-boot" Conan the Barbarian.

Why?

WHY?????

What is wrong with the first?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hey, you want to redo the sound so I hear sword noises coming from the left speaker and then the right speaker when Conan chops off Thulsa Doom's head? Go for it. Other than that, leave it alone. Seriously, are they that full of themselves that they think they can match that soundtrack? It can't happen. Nothing beats that soundtrack. So, you, ask, can't they just use it again? Of course not. Then, the movie would not be a stand alone film and would always be contrasted to the original.

I bet, when Thulsa Doom turns into a snake, Samuel L. Jackson is going to do a cameo and say "We got muthafuckin' snakes in this muthafuckin' temple!"

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, this leads me to another topic I would like to discuss. Why Valeria, Conan's love interest in the movie, is the best girlfriend from any movie of all time.

Valeria

At the outset, I want to make it clear that am not going the “she looks hot when swinging a sword” route (even though that could be enough). This woman was love personified. Let me explain.

Conan leaves Valeria flat to go on what was a suicide mission to kill Thulsa Doom. He does not even bother to say "see ya!" Shortly thereafter, Conan is crucified. Despite the fact that he left her in such a manner, she still loves him and tracks him down. Why? She knows the golden rule about real men: “sometimes, a man’s got to do what a man’s go to do.”

O.K., she tracks him down, and, if that were not enough, she gives up her own life so that Conan may live. Let me restate that: she pays for Conan’s life with her own. But, does she rub it in his face? No. She only says the following: “All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I'd come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side.”

You might dismiss this as pillow talk, but, she really did. She came back from the dead, (maybe not back the pit of hell), looking all hot in that Valkyrie garb, to fight by Conan’s side when he needed it. Let that sink in for a minute: She came back from the dead to fight by Conan’s side when he needed it. But, then, as if that were not enough, she doesn’t get all sappy. No, because she knows her man, she simply asks Conan “Do you want to live forever?” And, just like that, vanishes.

That is the woman for me, the kind of woman who would come back from the dead for you (but not in a creepy zombie way) and fight by your side. But, you might ask, isn’t she damaged goods? I mean, a single girl, living in Zamora, working as a thief is probably not the most savory of types. Oh contraire, and I quote: “All my life I've been alone. Many times I've faced death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. But I always passed by.”

Valeria is the Number One girlfriend from any movie ever because she is real love and real dedication personified and, well, she looks really hot when she swings a sword.

P.S. January 5, 2006 - As per the suggestion of a friend of mine, the scene where the the demons attempt to take Conan away while he is being defended by Valeria could be re-done. I agree with this.

In a real double bind...

2006-08-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

So, there I am, at the Monmouth Beach fair with my loving daughter who is really excited about just about everything we are doing. She sees a stuffed animal she wants. It is a prize at the "water gun" game where, for those of you who have recently come out from under a rock, you shoot a little stream of water, from a water pistol, into a target area while other contestants attempt to do the same. The contestant who shoots the target with the most efficiency, in an allotted time period, wins a prize.

I figure I have this stuffed animal locked. I mean, I qualified as an expert marksman, still keep up my shooting skills, and, well, am going up against a bunch of kids and a house frau. Might as well give me the Elvis-monkey (the stuffed animal in question) before we even start!

My daughter, who is not even two, is saying "monkey...monkey" and I am going to get it for her dammit.

Then, with my peripheral vision, I see a final contestant take the slot next to me. I leer over like Clint Eastwood... and there she is, the final contestant who will pay their two bucks to be beat by me....

and... she is a little girl, maybe about ten...

and she is in a wheelchair.

From my left ear: "monkey! monkey"

From my right eye: ten year-old girl in a wheelchair.

Seeing me leering over, the little girl asks: "Hi, how are you today?"

"Fine." I reply, not asking how she is doing because her reply might rightly be: "considering I am a little girl in a wheelchair and you are going to prevent me from winning this game, not so peachy."

one breath

"monkey"

one breath

little girl in a wheelchair

half a breath

"EVERYBODY ON THEIR MARKS!"

Time stands still.

Some would say that I am in a real "Catch-22". However, I think that would be something of a misuse of the term as a "Catch-22" describes a situation in which an individual has to accomplish two actions which are mutually dependent on the other action being completed first. (e.g. to get a job, you need job experience, but, to get job experience, you need a job). Others might say I have a "Hobson's choice", however, that is incorrect as well because a "Hobson's choice" is a false choice (e.g. you can have a Model T in any color you want, so long as it is black.") The best way to describe this situation is a "double bind."

Loosely speaking, a double bind occurs when the following hold true:

Because of the nature of my situation:
I must (or cannot) do X.
I must (or cannot) do Y, which conflicts with X.
Any commentary on the absurdity or untenability of the situation being forbidden.

Thus, the essence of a double-bind is two irreconcilable and conflicting demands, neither of which can be ignored, which leave me torn both ways in such a way that whichever demand they try to meet, the other demand cannot be met.

That was me. Do I satisfy the "monkey" or let the girl in a wheelchair win?

Weighing the options, a little voice in my head wanted to exclaim "mu!" and walk away from the contest.

GO!!!!

Since my finger was already on the trigger, the water started hitting the target from the get go, the little girl mistakenly thought you should pull the trigger after the start. I was going to win.

"monkey!"

I watched as the indicators of who was winning raised vertically along the board in front of me. I was beating everyone.

Then, without even knowing why, my finger went off the trigger.

I threw it and I sighed in relief.

However, when the final bell sounded, the little girl did not win, it was some brat who started pounding his chest like he was some WWE star and calling his friends, and by association the rest of us who lost, losers.

The girl did not seem upset at all. Rather, she seemed to accept the loss with more grace than I would have... "Oh well" she said, and gave me a smile. Not a fake smile performed out of courtesy, but a real smile that conveyed a sense of wishing me real well being. I smiled back, a real smile, that I hoped conveyed an appreciation for someone actually conveying real emotion with a facial gesture rather than merely pretending to have it.

"monkey?"

My heart sinks. "No, honey, no monkey." How about we go on the choo-choo?

Dropping the idea of the monkey like a hot potato, my daughter exclaims: "CHOO-CHOO!!!" and off we go.

On the way to the train, I was trying to contemplate what the life lesson was here.

Then I thought about the little girl, unfazed by the loss at the contest, who managed to convey a real feeling of kindness in her smile.

Then it came to me, the lesson to be learned is that life is not as serious as I sometimes make it out to be.

Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem

2006-08-11T09:08:00.000-04:00

First and foremost, I would like to extend a hearty "job well done" to the fine members of MI-5, and all other agencies, foreign and domestic, working in conjunction with MI-5's efforts, for their thwarting of a very serious and very real terrorist plot.

Seriously. No sarcasm. Job well done.

However, their fine efforts are not the subject of this entry.

While the handcuffs that bound the suspects are not even cooled to room temperature, out come the conspiracy theorists claiming that the entire thing was some sort of "plot" to make people scared into voting for certain parties.

What is wrong with these people?

Seriously, if one of you conspiracy theorists is reading this, please, e-mail me and explain to me why it makes for sense to believe an elaborately intricate plot to somehow "scare" voters into thinking one way makes more sense over a simpler, more logical, explanation that there were actually people who wanted to blow up airlines in mid-air for the sake of their cause. Please, let me know how this thought process plays out.

But, before you do, let me key you in on the meaning of the this blog entry's title.

Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem translates into "entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity."

This phrase was coined by English logician, and Franciscan friar, William of Ockham. You might even remember that he was the protagonist in the story The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. In modernity, this phrase is most often used a heuristic maxim that advises economy, i.e., parsimony, or simplicity in scientific theories. Occam's razor stands for the premise that any explanation of a phenomenon should make as few assumptions as possible. In this regard, the person formulating a theory should eliminate those assumptions that make no difference in the observable predictions of the explanatory hypothesis or theory like a razor would "shave off" unnecessary hair. The principle is often expressed in Latin as the lex parsimoniae.

Keeping this in mind, please, any conspiracy theorists out there, explain to me why it makes for sense to believe an elaborately intricate plot to somehow "scare" voters into thinking one way over a simpler, more logical, explanation that there were actually people who wanted to blow up airlines in mid air for the sake of their cause.

Please... I really want to know.

Can I hypothesize?

My hypothesis is as follows:

Thesis: Conspiracy theorists consider themselves aligned with a political party and/or cause.

Thesis: Conspiracy theorists do not choose a political party and/or cause without believing in the tenets that the political party espouses.

Thesis: Conspiracy theorists consider themselves to be "smarter" than the other members of their population.

Hypothesis: Morbidly exacerbated senses of partisanship and hubris in conspiracy theorists have led those conspiracy theorists to the conclusion that any fact which is not concomitant with the well being of the political party which they consider to be the "correct" party, must not be true. Rather, any such fact must be the result of a "plot" on the part of political party not deemed to be "correct" in an attempt to undermine the "correct" political party.

In other words, since the conspiracy theorist, who can not be wrong, considers themselves a member of party X, any fact that inures to the benefit of party Y must not be true because that would threaten the factual underpin which makes the conspiracy theorist consider him/herself a member of party X.

See how that worked? Simple, rational, logically sound.

Try it sometime.. its fun!!!

P.S. Things like this happen during an election year because, in most democracies, every year is an election year on some level of government.