New Feature - Friendly Greetings

The "Fist Bump" has gained some recent media attention. I figured that the world needed some guidance concerning the nature of various friendly greetings and how they should be executed.

No, no... really... no thanks needed, I do it for the sake of us all.

Let us start with the "fist bump."

The Fist Bump

History: The fist bump has several different names (e.g. fist pound, "big up," "respect knucks"). However, its origin seems to be localized to the Caribbean, particularly Jamaica. It has gained universal prominence and is widely accepts as an "informal" method of hand salutation.

Execution: The execution of a fist bump is fairly simple. With a horizontal forearm (or whole arm, depending upon the distance from the bumpee) a closed fist is extended toward the recipient. The fist can be either knuckles up, simulating a punch, or knuckles facing outward, as if the hand is grasping a beer mug. Once the fists make contact on the surface of the fist defined by the area bounded by the Pisiform bone and Trapezoid bone on the upper extreme and the distal portions of the second through fifth metacarpal bones, the fist is withdrawn and the fist released to an open handed position. The moment of the fist "bump" can be accompanied by auditory simulation of crashing noises (e.g. "kshsh").

A variation of the fist bump is executed by "mashing" the top of the recipient's hand as defined by the first and second metacarpal and distal phalanx bones with the fleshy portion of the hand which lies over the abductor minimi digiti muscle. A depiction of this alternative fist bump is provided below:

Commentary: The fist bump is the preferred method of hand salutation by germophobes. As a result, it should be disfavored by the normal people of the world. Notwithstanding this fact, the fist bump remains popular among young people or old people trying to appear young, i.e. "hip". Its popularity among young people can easily be attributed to the well-documented desire of young persons to be dissuaded from adopting the mannerisms of "old people" (e.g. the common handshake). Its popularity among old people trying to look young is more complex, but, research reveals this trend has a statistically significant relation to the sales of "reunion tour" tickets. Notwithstanding the foregoing, there are limited situations in which the fist bump can be properly utilized without shame. These situations are generally limited to those in which equipment is being worn on the hands which make proper hand salutary gestures impossible (e.g. hockey games, boxing matches). However, you may always utilize this form of greeting if you are a Wonder Twin.

Rules of fist bumping:

1. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Otherwise you risk being classified as "old trying to be young." As corollary to this rule, you may never fist bump during a business meeting, even if your office had adopted the "business causal" attire rules.
2. Fist bumping is forbidden in hospitals (including doctor's offices), funeral homes and houses of worship.
3. Do not fist bump the misfortune of others.
4. Do not fist bump children. Hopefully, by not passing this gesture to them, it will die out.
5. Do not offer a fist bump as an opening greeting in a job interview.
6. Women can fist bump anytime they want, especially if it violates rules 1-2, this is because when women do it, it is really cute.
7. Regardless of your feeling toward the gesture, never refuse a fist bump. Moreover, if you believe a fist bump has been offered to you in violation of any rule, the fist bump must be executed out of sight from surrounding persons. Afterward, you must inform the offending fist bump offeror as to the rules of fist bumping.
8. Do not fist bump "over" or "across" anyone unless you first offer a fist bump to that person.
9. The thumb must always remain tightly drawn in during any fist bump.
10. The force of a fist bump is directly proportional to the amount of padding you are wearing on your hand at the time of the fist bump.