Why I Hate Soccer

Every four years the world cup comes around, and with it a swarm of soccer nerds, hooligans and Europhiles and/or Self-hating Americans try to remind us how "backward" and "provincial" we are for not appreciating soccer.

Do you know how much the average American cares about the world cup? So much that, despite the fact that the term "world cup" is a proper noun and should be capitalized, I did not even think of capitalizing it when I wrote that sentence, nor this one.

Following is a personal list of reasons why Soccer is a horrible sport:

1) It is a kids game. Always has been, always will be. It simply lacks the complexity and drama to capture an adult's mind.
2) Ralph Macchio. He once starred in a movie in the 1970's where Soccer was the main theme.
3) France is successful at playing soccer. They are a culture which has perfected the art of surrender. The fact that they can win in this game speaks volumes.
4) Soccer is boring. Soccer is absurdly slow and plodding. I have spoken to soccer apologists who say, with bravado, that the average soccer participant "runs" 4 miles in a game. OK... a game is ninety minutes. right? Do the math, "running" four miles in a game? I think not. They are averaging less than 3 m.p.h. This is jogging. However, since I do see soccer players running, this means that they are mostly standing around doing nothing.
5) Soccer Players are wimps. If a Soccer player gets hit, they all do their best impression of Sgt. Elias in Platoon, with Adagio for Strings playing in the background for effect. Meanwhile, real athletes like Steve McNair, Walter Payton, Johnny Unitas, Bronko Nagurski, Bret Favre, and every hockey player (save Wayne Gretzky) play with broken ribs, hands, legs, etc. The fake theatrics are a product of managed economies where the government doles out favors. Competitive economies are about playing through the pain. That is why Americans will always win and Europeans will always lose.
6) Too Simple.
7) Ties. A tie is abhorrent to the American mind. We need a winner and a loser. Someone has to go home and nail the prom queen and someone else has to go home and get all philosophical about why the game doesn't really matter. This is they way life is, this is the way sport should be.
8) Circular reasoning. Soccer fans will cite the sport's popularity as a reason why it is great. Look, just because rice is the most popular food in the world does not mean I should like it better than steak.
9) Different jerseys. Soccer players on the same team have different jerseys. This is just silly. Are soccer players that obtuse so as to not know a goalie when they see it? Clearly, the higher intelligence of hockey (e.g. goaltender) or football (e.g. offensive linemen) fans and referees is evident, since we don't need a different uniform to indicate a different set of responsibilities in the rule book.
10) Soccer phrases are stolen. A pitch is something an option Quarterback does. A draw is a running play designed to counter a strong pass rush. Football is a real sport that involves athletes in pads and helmets, not sissies playing kickball without bases.
11) Soccer has no honor. There are codes of behavior in sports like hockey, football and even in lesser activities like baseball and basketball. There is no code of behavior in the activity of soccer: the number of pictures I have seen which involve penis biting should make this self-evident.
12) Intrinsic worthlessness. If soccer were really worth anything, Dan Snyder would already own it.
13) It is for Women. Soccer is the Apple Martini of sport. American men drink Vodka or Gin with a dash of vermouth, or no vermouth at all, shaken, not stirred. If they wince when they drink it, they are still in college and need to go back to training camp. When you are a man, well, an American man, you can take the good with the bad, and learn to appreciate the subtleties of it all. American women take that same vodka, put Apple Schnapps in it and top it off with Contreau so they do not actually have to taste the vodka. That is why American men play football and hockey and American women play soccer.
14) Soccer is not for real athletes. Lets face it, what the soccer players and/or fans really want, in their heart of hearts, is to eliminate any sport that utilizes arms and hands. Why? This is because other sports utilize the full athletic talents the human body is capable of. Why do they want this? They are the ones who couldn't play those sports growing up, the ones who got chosen last or not at all in the pickup games. To them, soccer is a better sport because it eliminates the swiftest and the most powerful and takes for its physical standard the average European male. In other words, the average soccer nerd's own height and weight. Don't believe me? Quick, name me four, three, or even two leading athletes in any or all other sports who hail from Western Europe or South America (I'll even start you off: Britain had the heavyweight champion, Lennox Lewis.) I will wait.......