Crom!!!

This is not exactly new news, but, they are going to "re-boot" Conan the Barbarian.

Why?

WHY?????

What is wrong with the first?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hey, you want to redo the sound so I hear sword noises coming from the left speaker and then the right speaker when Conan chops off Thulsa Doom's head? Go for it. Other than that, leave it alone. Seriously, are they that full of themselves that they think they can match that soundtrack? It can't happen. Nothing beats that soundtrack. So, you, ask, can't they just use it again? Of course not. Then, the movie would not be a stand alone film and would always be contrasted to the original.

I bet, when Thulsa Doom turns into a snake, Samuel L. Jackson is going to do a cameo and say "We got muthafuckin' snakes in this muthafuckin' temple!"

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, this leads me to another topic I would like to discuss. Why Valeria, Conan's love interest in the movie, is the best girlfriend from any movie of all time.

Valeria

At the outset, I want to make it clear that am not going the “she looks hot when swinging a sword” route (even though that could be enough). This woman was love personified. Let me explain.

Conan leaves Valeria flat to go on what was a suicide mission to kill Thulsa Doom. He does not even bother to say "see ya!" Shortly thereafter, Conan is crucified. Despite the fact that he left her in such a manner, she still loves him and tracks him down. Why? She knows the golden rule about real men: “sometimes, a man’s got to do what a man’s go to do.”

O.K., she tracks him down, and, if that were not enough, she gives up her own life so that Conan may live. Let me restate that: she pays for Conan’s life with her own. But, does she rub it in his face? No. She only says the following: “All the gods, they cannot sever us. If I were dead and you were still fighting for life, I'd come back from the darkness. Back from the pit of hell to fight at your side.”

You might dismiss this as pillow talk, but, she really did. She came back from the dead, (maybe not back the pit of hell), looking all hot in that Valkyrie garb, to fight by Conan’s side when he needed it. Let that sink in for a minute: She came back from the dead to fight by Conan’s side when he needed it. But, then, as if that were not enough, she doesn’t get all sappy. No, because she knows her man, she simply asks Conan “Do you want to live forever?” And, just like that, vanishes.

That is the woman for me, the kind of woman who would come back from the dead for you (but not in a creepy zombie way) and fight by your side. But, you might ask, isn’t she damaged goods? I mean, a single girl, living in Zamora, working as a thief is probably not the most savory of types. Oh contraire, and I quote: “All my life I've been alone. Many times I've faced death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. But I always passed by.”

Valeria is the Number One girlfriend from any movie ever because she is real love and real dedication personified and, well, she looks really hot when she swings a sword.

P.S. January 5, 2006 - As per the suggestion of a friend of mine, the scene where the the demons attempt to take Conan away while he is being defended by Valeria could be re-done. I agree with this.