Mock Draft - Who Deserves Monkey Steals the Peach?

Monkey Steals the Peach... perhaps the most dreaded and feared maneuver in all of the ninja's aresenal.

This mock draft will pick those individuals who most deserve this performed upon them.

Rules:
1) Fictional or Non-fictional. 2) Must give reason why. 3) Must have peaches to be stolen (see picture for explanation)

First JS pick: Anyone presently in Metallica.

JS: Not only do I think that they're one of the sorriest tales of corporate sell out bands I've ever heard, but I can't even look at Kirk Hammett's lame facial hair without getting mad. I hate them for their spoiled rock star whining about Napster and I hate the fact that every time I pay for music I think of Lars Ulrich testifying before Congress. (It was a rainy day and I was watching it on a green couch in my Monmouth Beach apartment you sell out!!!!!) I also hate them for that album of cover songs where they manage to sully an astonishing range of music by everyone from Bob Seger to the Misfits. Also, I hate the fact that every wanna be rock station apparently hasn't heard enough of Enter Sandman.

First JD Pick: Bud Selig

JD: A successful businessman who, in my opinion, cares very little for the game of baseball or its fans. Revenues are through the roof, so he assumes that he has been successful. Meanwhile, he has sat idly by while players have soiled the game (Bonds, Giambi, etc…) when a stronger commissioner who cares about the integrity of the game (Giamatti, Vincent) would have taken action. Moreover, Selig is more concerned with getting baseball broadcasts to China and Japan then he is with the fact that the number of young people who play the game in this country is steadily decreasing. Don’t get me started on this DirectTV deal, which will rob both me and my father of access to Extra Innings this year. Selig says, “the DirectTV people tell me that the number of people who can’t get it is infinitesimal.” Really? The DirectTV people are saying that? Do you think maybe they have an ulterior motive? Mark my words, the game of baseball will suffer in the next decade for the shortsightedness and money-grabbing of the Selig tenure.

JS: I would have followed up with everyone in the NHL during the strike, but, that would just be playing "catch-up" to this selection.

JD: That would have been a lot of peaches too.

JS: *laughing*
I would have needed a potato sack.
*gets cold chill down spine at image*

First TK Pick: Mr. Damon Lindelof (?!)

TK: Monkey Steals the peach.

This is a serious punishment presented in a whimsical fashion. I struggle with the task of identifying a proper individual to signal out for this honor, let alone two of them. My initial instinct was to go political, but that really raises the level of discourse to a level that no one really is aiming for in this poll. Plus, why get political and risk the possible investigation of the Secret Service or Homeland Security. The next topic was religion, not mainstream religion, but individuals who hold themselves out as religious leaders who are clearly just in it for the money. Again, obvious and not very satisfying to me personally. Finally, there is personal matters that impact me and my family. Again, that is way too serious for this type of inquiry, plus just because a 7 year old terrorist may be impacting my daughters enjoyment of first grade, there is no reason to punish him this harshly. So, I am left with finding something that I care about enough that is not really serious and is being harmed by a person eligible for this punishment.
Things I care about in no particular order that meet this criteria.

Sports.

All sorts of sports, from the NFL Giants, MLB Mets, NHL Rangers, NCAA Football and Hoops Rutgers, Rugby Union, Ireland, Hurricanes, Soccer, Chelsea, US National Team.

In this category I have hatred for teams, Cowboys, Eagles, Braves, Islanders, Flyers, Syracuse, the ACC, Duke, I know but really they deserve special mention, I hate Jerry Jones, T-O, Eagle Fans, Flyer Fans, Cowboy Fans, and I hate the Eagles. Again, that is important.
None of this really pisses me off enough to warrant this punishment.

Music.

Unfortunately, I have not had any strong feelings about music in 10 years. I like what I like, ignore the rest.

Movies

Again, ignore the dumb stuff, watch what I like. Further, while Lucas screwed up the prequel, it did have redeeming qualities and he earned a free pass with the first three. The only adaptation I cared about recently was LOTR and that was done spectacularly.

Television

Tivo is your friend. But this area is my first nomination. Mr. Damon Lindelof Co-Creator and Head Writer of the series Lost. He fits nicely in the criteria, he created a show with a decent premise, a good first season, and then when J.J. Abrams left to do MI III he allowed himself to be bullied by network executives to destroy the show for profits. I do not care deeply about Lost, but I hate to see things ruined simply out of greed. So, my first nomination.

JS: Seems a long way around for a relatively obscure pick, but, I can't say the thought was not there. Moreover, after seeing the guy's picture, he deserves it simply for being himself.

First TC Pick: O.J. Simpson

TC: I'll make my first pick simple and decisive. OJ Simpson. That murderer really deserves it. Especially after the notion that he was going to make money by publishing a book "If I Did It" and a subsequent tv interview.

JD: Bonus points if you steal his peaches while he’s in the middle of a round of golf.

JS: Super extra double bonus points if you set one "peach" up on a tee and hit it for 300.

TC: ...and then publish a book about it.

Second JD Pick: Ryan Seacrest

JD: I’ll have to go with Ryan Seacrest. I don’t watch American Idol and he has no impact on my day-to-day life but I think he is typical of the feminization of the American male and he also runs counter to the American work ethic in that he is successful without any appreciable talent. From what I’ve seen he’s not even particularly good at being a “talking head” and yet somehow he exudes massive amounts of arrogance, most likely as a means of covering up the fact that he cannot demonstrate what talents have lead to his success.

JS: While Ryan Seacrest runs perilously close to the borderline of that class of individuals who would not actually notice if their peaches were stolen, your rationale for choosing him is categorically sound and well made.

My only addition would be to add that, so long as he is intent on appearing as if he has no use for his peaches, he deserves to have them stolen.

P.S. I am laughing at the phrase "good Monkey Steals the Peach." It is as if there are half-hearted Monkey Steals the Peaches out there and you are trying to insure that they get one of the "good" ones.

Second JS Pick

JS: I have been giving some serious thought as to who my second person who deserves the dreaded "monkey steals the peach" move. My problem is striking the balance between someone who needs to be "taken out" (President of Iran) and someone who just needs a good ol' punch-grab-rip to the nether region with the caveat of not taking someone who, if such a maneuver was performed, would not know the difference (Tim Robbins). I hope I have struck the balance appropriately... my second selection is:

Donald Trump

Thankfully the media blitz surrounding this guy has cooled off a bit. However, just like his bankrupted business ventures, I know he is going to turn up again. To everyone who might be entertaining the notion that he is a self-made man... Google Fred Trump, his father. The guy is a grown up spoiled brat who fashions himself an "alpha" male and, as a result, has a built-in excuse for his behavior that only applies to himself. To me, he is the antithesis of the phrase "manners maketh man." Simply put, where that phrase embodies the sentiment that it is not one's birth, money, or property that defines you, but, in how you behave towards other people, he represents everything that statement stands against. In other words, the only way this guy gets any worse is if he were French. However, considering he is an American, and people might look at him as an exemplar of what we aspire to, he might be worse than a Frenchman.

TK second pick:My second subject is the man who created the "blackout" rule for local sporting events. I am not sure who invented the concept, but it was in the 60's so it had to be a subject eligible for this treatment. Furthermore, I would administer one to everyone who has the chance to change these archaic rules and continues to uphold them.

JS: Not bad... I actually had a twenty minute phone call with someone from Comcast inquiring why, in Monmouth County, New Jersey, I can not watch a baseball game being played in Queens, New York. He was somewhat at a loss for an explanation.

Second TC Pick:

(At this juncture, TC gave a somewhat rambling narrative, albeit borrowed from another source, telling the tale of someone who lacked respect for "The Greatest Generation" and is, all around, a bit of a douchebag.)

As a result, I nominate the paradigm of this man:

Fred Durst.

Good Draft... more to come.