Memento Mori

Nothing like a stomach flu to remind you that you are, after all, just some flesh and bone. Right now, I feel like a snake is crawling through my innards.

New Idea

I am going to incorporate something else into this blog.

As I continue move forward in my life, I have often thought that I would like to give my kids advice about what occurs in my life in an effort impart "experience" to them and, possibly, help them avoid having to learn from the hard consequences of their own mistakes like I did. I know it is a misguided endeavor because all kids have to learn things first hand, but, I will try anyway.

So... here it is... the first entry in my running "advice to my kids" section:

Make sure you have toilet paper before you sit down.

Absurd

At what point did the writers of 24 completely divorce themselves from reality?

Why would Cheng Zhi decide it is a good idea to completely abandon his plan and agree to go to a place of Jack's choosing? This is beyond stupid. The whole point of having the "upper hand" in a transaction such as this is to be able to have control of the environment in which you are engaging in affairs so as to be able to rule out any surprises. Notwithstanding this fact, Cheng goes to a completely new location without the slightest hesitation. Cheng does not know that Jack "went rogue" and, as a result, Cheng did not know that 400 CTU agents were not waiting for him at this site. He would not go there. However, even worse, he goes there in a limo, drawing further attention to himself.

But, aside from this breach in logic, I am further offended by the manner in which he escaped. Whose Humvees were those? They could not have been Cheng's as he had no means by which to plan for his departure. Were they CTU's? If so, where were the men who came in them? I mean, there were three of them.... twelve men. Where are those twelve guys? Did anyone decide it might be a good idea to, ummm, I don't know.... secure a means of escape when you are trying to capture someone? Hell, I will not consider the level of prescience needed to guard the trucks in order to prevent an escape... how about just establishing a perimeter? Someone would be there just to establish a perimeter, but, no one was there... this is just stupid. I am riding this season out on cruise control... hoping against hope that it will pay off in the end.

Mock Draft - Countries - First Round

This draft, perhaps the grandest of draft concepts, is for the one thing that no-one is making any more of… land. In particular, countries.

In this draft, we will be selecting countries over which you will exert absolute, unfettered rule to be administered in any manner you wish. You will be "graded" according to the following criteria in this order: 1) Creativity and wit exhibited in explaining choice 2) Merits of actual choice 3) Ability to maintain your three country empire after the countries are selected.As a corollary to rule three, let it be known that we are all in the same world, so, you have to account for each other's presence. The order of the draft was randomized this morning and is as follows: 1) TC 2) JD 3) TK 4) JS

Three rounds, snaking pattern. Oh yeah… the United States is not eligible for the draft, however, you must account for the presence of the U.S. in the world.

TC First Pick: Australia

With my first pick, I feel it is important to focus on the economics to support my empire. As such, I select Australia with my first pick. Australia comprises the mainland of the world's smallest continent, the major island of Tasmania and a number of other islands in the Southern, Indian, and Pacific Oceans. It is the world's second largest producer of diamonds (by carat) and the third largest producer of gold. In addition, tourism plays a large role in the country's economy.

JD First Pick: China

With the US out of the picture, I’m going to take the next closest thing to a superpower in this day and age, China. With this one pick I give myself: a steamrolling economy, billions of soldiers…er…I mean “citizens” and ample land on which to build cities in my name (D***** City, D*****onia, D***attle, San D***frisco). Now, obviously, I’m going to run into some problems due to the size of the population, but, still, the first thing I will do is get rid of the restrictions on the number of children a family can have. We will sort out any population problems as they arise (are you listening neighbors?). Last but not least, I must mention my burgeoning space program; we’ll be carving Mao’s face into the moon within the decade.

JS: Truly the Albert Pujols/Jose Reyes of the draft, surprised it fell to number two. Shocked that you would not be replacing Mao's mug with your own though. I know I would be. However, the picture would not just be my face, it would be all of me... as painted by Boris Vallejo.

JD: I agree. I love the Aussies, but I didn’t think China would fall to me at number two. I figure I’ll keep Mao around as an icon that I can point to anytime the people start getting restless. Then I can say, “Hey, is this how MAO would have reacted? I didn’t think so. Now, get back to work on my palace!”). Plus, I want to call myself Chairman D*****.

JS: Commie. Looks like the legions of Sparta Novo might have chilly relations with You.

JD: Choose wisely, my friend. Besides, we’ll be even less Communist in D*****ia than China is today. Its all about appearances.

JS: I see. Perhaps I will not be requiring water and earth from you after all.

First TK Pick: Germany

I am selecting Germany.

1) They are a highly educated society with a rich engineering and scientific history. They have some small pockets of socialists that will need to be stamped out and some collective guilt that needs to be worked through but overall they are a people that when properly led can be very productive.

2) Beer and Sausage. Really, do not underestimate that.

3) Military might. The Germans are soldiers. They are the type of soldiers that have shown brilliance in battle from both the Generals to the enlisted men. You can defend the borders and expand when needed, That's right, I am looking at you Austria, Poland, Czech and Slovakia, the Fatherland is calling. I can resist any move by that hothead leading Sparta Novo and I have the diplomatic skill to broker an alliance with my Asian friends under Chairman D******. Watch out if JS takes Russia.

4) Football. No I mean it, American Football, the Germans are the only country in Europe to take to the NFL, these people are intelligent I tell you.

5) The Eagles Nest. http://www.eagles-nest.de/en/kehlsteinhaus.php?navid=1 Are you kidding me? Have you seen this place? Man it is worth taking this Country just for the Bavarian Retreat.

6) Octoberfest. See #2

7) I think I can learn German, really, it is not that far from English.

8) I would be a Kaiser, Kaiser K*****.

9) They hate the French.

10) Finally, Germany is Europe, you can take your France and Russia, but you will know the only reason to have selected them is because you want Germany.

JS First Pick: Russia

With my first pick to live under the noble crimson Lambda of Sparta Novo, I am taking Russia.

1) Historically, attacking Rus is suicide. Any attack on my soil will be dealt with by the three old and reliable Generals of all Russian battles: General Winter, General Snow and General Spring thaw. The Russian people fight like rabid put bulls on steroids and Viagra in the winter and Mother Rus herself swallows tracked vehicles whole in the spring. A pick for Russia is a pick for absolute security.

2) Russia is the second largest oil-producing nation in the world. That means something (I am looking at YOU, my long-time and honored ally D*****ia, with your burgeoning, yet oil-dependant, economy.)

3) Vodka and Pierogies. An important part of ANY nutritious breakfast.

4) St. Johannesburg. (nee St. Petersburg) the Versailles of the East, it is truly a splendor.

5) Variety. I have skiing in the North, beaches in the South, lush fields in the West and Gulags (COUGH) "scenic redevelopment communities" in the East.

6) Hot women. Some of the hottest in the world. Who can discount this factor?

7) Pan-Slavonic unity. Rodina Mat' Zovyot!!! my Czech, Slovak, Bulgarian, Ukrainian, Kazak, Moldovan, Belarusian, Polish and Romanian brothers and sisters.

8) Lastly, the Russian people have historically demonstrated a "cult of personality" toward their leaders which is unfettered. People starving in the Gulag would cry to Stalin... wishing that he only knew what was being done in his name. They are cultural monarchists, which suits me fine.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Two

Second JS Pick: France

My second pick troubled me... however, I am going to have to go with France.

First order of business: The "Spartification" of France because, everybody needs a hobby. While this may require the "displacement" of the current residents, I plan on giving Algeria back to the Foreign Legion and, in a bit of payback, relocating all the National French men there and open up Jean-Marie Bastien-Thiry airport. Bon Chance Froggies. The end result will be a country that still has wine and cheese but with no whining and no cheesy accents. I think I will repopulate France with the Kazaks and the Georgians. They are both a hearty, warlike people who will crush the life out of any remaining current residents and the Georgians are already great winemakers. I will keep all the women though. Traditionally, French women have great lips. Simply put, a world without French culture is a world we will ALL be happier in. You're Welcome.

TC: Oui, let the pussification of Sparta Novo begin!

JD: Russia was an excellent choice! It was very hard for me to pass up the Russkies, who are very near and dear to my heart. You’ve drafted a strong, pragmatic culture, which has also spawned its share of gifted artists and intellectuals. Also, no one suffers with as much dignity and resolve as the Russians (except maybe the Irish). I must point out, however, that you may have hot women in Sparta Novo, but you also have some of the world’s ugliest. Need I remind you of the “big boned,” babushka wearing, mole sporting, vodka swilling ogres we all know so well?

France? The shocker of the draft thus far! Also, from a strategic point of view, I think you could have left France on the board until the last pick and snatched them up without a problem. I think you may be underestimating the weakening effect your French pansies may have on your Spartan men…it won’t necessarily go down as you’ve planned it. You may find some previously hard Spartan men growing doughy and soft while drinking wine, eating cheese and laying on the bank of a river with a beautiful French woman with hairy armpits…and where will the D*****ians be while this is happening? Sharpening their bayonets! Just kidding, we D*****ians love everybody and we developed nuclear technology to heat our homes, not build bombs.

TK: As Marc Antony explained to Vorinus as he prepared to takes his own life in the palace of Egypt, better to die at a place where Alexander the Great once walked then in a ditch in Gaul. Sums up France perfectly, it has always been despised.

JS: Chairman D*****, without doubt, I chose to exterminate France as a boon to us all. Your oil dependant nation which shares a cultural, historical and political alignment with Mother Russia will, no doubt, celebrate with me in their extermination in St. Johannesburg this summer, no?

TK: Do not trust the talk of the forked tounge diplomat. The Ambassador of Sparta Novo should be treated like the dog that he is. Send him home to his ruler to explain that the alliance of Chaiman D*****and Kaiser K***** cannot be broken by promises of a summer barbecue in that open sewer on the Baltic.

TK: I see a game of Axis and Allies in our future.

JS: Well, I see we have foregone diplomatic formalities and chosen to make an enemy of the Spartans in a most boorish and uncivilized manner. Check yourself Kaiser, a war with me is a war on two fronts. We all know how that worked out for you last time. You might have to take Argentina or Brazil with your last pick just to have some place to run to.

TK: Well, I am counting on the fact that you mass genocide of the French will lead to the US invading and freeing the French in short order. So it is you that would benefit from your own advice. I see you lasting all of two years in France.

JS: Mass genocide? Why, such sanguinary thoughts, even from the likes of you, come a surprise. If your read the details of my choice, I merely intend to relocate them to a sunny, pleasant country formally known as Algiers, under the steady, even and fair rule of the Foreign Legion. Clearly, this will spark no such outrage from the United States.

TK: Power of the press my friend, power of the press, if you think that in todays modern age that your plan would not be exposed you are crazy. Face it, you underestimated your own rules when you left the U.S. as a wildcard in the game. Mass relocation/genocide may work in the Sudan and go unnoticed but in France? You are asking for intervention.

JS: Intervention by whom? The U.N.? I will simply not sign the return receipt for their strongly worded letters and claim I never got them, that will get me off the hook. Also, I think you overestimate the cultural significance and sympathetic feelings toward the French. If you really think that, after our recent history, the U.S. population would countenance a war with Sparta Novo over an entirely domestic dispute concerning the French, you may be enjoying too much Hoegaarten

TK: Someone is already drunk on his imaginary power. The U.S. exists, your actions would result in trade sanctions, escalation, and eventually Germany will invite the U.S. to cooperate in the multi-national force that will free the French Citizens, then I will volunteer my forces to maintain the peace in the former French province of Sparta Novo, ruling as I see fit.

JS: Those are strong words coming from a boozy Bavarian buffoon sandwiched in between a rock and a hard place. Like I said... take Argentina. It is your only hope.

TK: Maybe TC was smart to take Australia, you are clearly looking to escalate this to a Def-Con 1 condition. By the way, I was watching Wargames the other day and deicded that the NORAD DefCon step ladder neon sign would have to enter into my top 10 movie props I would like to own. Imagine that in your office, your secretary walks in and sees you on the phone, as the sign clicks from Defcon 3 to Defcon 2. Why Homeland security went with the color chart is beyond me. Defcon all the way. I see it slotted in behind the pinball machine from the Accussed and behind Billy Baroo, but ahead of Fredo's boat. I think Mesallas chariot is a differnet category now.

JS: To the contrary... Sparta Novo wants nothing more than to peacefully co-exist in this world... just without the French. You misinterpret my desire to eradicate, umm.. err... relocate the French as some sort of veiled check on German sovereignty. I assure you, no such legerdemain exists. The Spartan history is one of defense and preservation of our homeland. I have my French helots and, left to my own, you will find I am a amicable neighbor and, if treated with mutual respect, a formidable ally. However, if provoked, no greater enemy can you find.

And, by the way, the Norad DEFCON sign should definitely be on the top ten. Not higher than the Idol from Raiders though.

TK: The idol is cooler then the ark. Interestingly, whenever I do that list, nothing from the Star Wars movies stands out as must have, similarly, the LOTR trilogy misses as well, I am guessing it is the other worldy nature of the objects that takes away the value in real life. Whereas these examples ring true at all levels.

Diplomatically I will accept your offer, however intellectually, I will be bragging that your concession to peace is more a result of my correct prediction that the U.S. would join against you should you continue to eradicate the French from France. You are stuck with a French France, face it.

JS: The idol is cooler than the Ark because you can put it on your mantle and let it speak for itself. You have to build a whole Temple of Solomon for the Ark and, really, who has the time for that?

Intellectually, you can brag to yourself all you want, but, you can not get over the fact that you know I am right about the U.N. being nothing more than a traffic cop on valium standing in the middle of the Turnpike and the fact that the U.S. citizenry do not have the stomach for a war which entails nothing but the relocation of French citizens to a warmer, sunnier clime. Seriously, I can see the peace demonstration signs now... "NO BLOOD FOR FROMAGE!!!"

TK: Perhaps I need clarification, you have drafted the country, your control of the Country is assumed how? You obviously are implying that a force will need to land and control the population, or is it the case that your leadership is universally accepted by both your new citizens and the worlds nations? If you have already been placed in power through legitimate channels then you are correct, your moving the French out of France would be tolerated, but since you are indicating a world where the U.N. still exists then I need to keep that in mind and so do you. Your actions would be subject to outside pressure. Plus, since I currently do not have a permanent seat on the security council I may need to obtain one.

Second TK Pick : South Africa

Anyone else see that coming? I believe JS has cemented the alliance between Chairman JD and myself. I am taking South Africa with my next pick. South Africa is a middle-income, emerging market with an abundant supply of natural resources; well-developed financial, legal, communications, energy, and transport sectors; a stock exchange that ranks among the 10 largest in the world; and a modern infrastructure supporting an efficient distribution of goods to major urban centers throughout the region

1) Rich and varied country, the beaches of Cape Town and Natal, the lush verdant plains of the upper veldt, a Nation in need of strong leadership.

2) Untapped labor markets and my German citizens have a knack for getting strong performance out of this labor.

3) The power of sub Saharan Africa, its military resources will control enormous natural resources.

4) Rugby. They are not the best but they play a very hard nosed style.

5) Diamonds. Just a few, not to mention the gold, chromium, antimony, coal, iron ore, manganese, nickel, phosphates, tin, uranium, gem diamonds, platinum, copper, vanadium, salt, and natural gas.

6) Safaris.

7) Majority Christian population, this is important, while there will be civil unrest it will not be based on religious lines, easier to control that unrest.

8) Same Time zone as Berlin. My citizens will be more productive because of this.

Problems

1) HIV over 21 % of population. A massive effort and expense will be needed to control this problem.

2) Infrastructure and Education. Again, this is a leadership issue, given the allegiance to Germany and its direct interest, I believe things will turn around.

3) Race relations. Admitted this is a problem. See # 3 above. But if JS can kill all the French I should be able to find a more reasonable solution to this issue.

4) Water. Desalination plants. Tap the Ocean. Also with Global warming, just go harvest some of that Antarctic shelf. First Order of business, Take out Mugabe and liberate Zimbabwe. Second order of business, invest heavily in Rugby Union to beat Australia and humiliate Tim at the Tri-Nations. George Gregan sucks.

TC: Alas, but when I invade and acquire New Zealand, our national rugby prowess will be unmatched!

Second JD Pick: Japan

I will reserve all talk of alliances until I see the final selections. I don’t want to line up with someone and then find they’ve chosen Haiti with their last pick (no offense to the Haitians, but, come on, that place is a mess). For now I say to the Kaiser, the King of Sparta and the Prime Minister of Australia that you are all equally within the favor of D*****ia for the time being. My next choice doesn’t offer much in terms of land but has the world’s tenth largest population and offers a wealth of “intangibles.” I choose JAPAN.

1. Its nestled nicely in the neighborhood of the my homeland so I won’t be stretched too thin across the globe.

2. It has exhibited a strong warrior culture throughout its history from the age of the samurai through WWII. If the need arises, I can quickly assemble a citizen army that exhibits a fight-to-the-last-man-even-if the-last-man-has-nothing-but-his-fingernails-left-and-is-up-against-a-Sherman-tank attitude. One word, “Bushido!”

3. The population is technologically proficient (probably more so than any other county on the planet) and economically sophisticated. Perhaps we can figure out a way to deal with our “oil dependency” issues, but if not, I’m sure we’ll have the financial clout to take care of that problem without siphoning funds from more important projects, such as the newest wonder of the modern world, the Collossus at D***** City.

4. Japan is respected worldwide diplomatically. Ever since the end of WWII, no one has really had a problem with Japan; except for China, which is now mine, and Korea, which I suspect will be extremely deferential given the new power structure in the region. We need someone to smooth over the ruffled feathers that will surely result from my heavy-handed foreign policy.

5. Due for increasing amounts of capital coming from the US via the Major League Baseball bidding process.

6. Kobe beef, saki and sushi. Its hardly a good plate of meat and potatoes, but that’s some seriously good sh**.

7. The workforce is educated, diligent and healthy, with one of the longest life expectancies in the world. Longer life = more work accomplished for the greater glory of D******.

8. Toyota, Honda, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Sony, Toshiba…

9. Home to some seriously hot women, who seem all the hotter because they respect their men. In an age where the stay-at-home dad is gaining acceptance in the US, Japan remains a place where men are men. Plus, if You Only Live Twice is accurate, I will have my pick of the women because of the hair on my chest and arms. Alas, we will not be players on the world rugby circuit, but I challenge anyone to step up to the ping pong table with D*******!

JS: ping pong table!!!! HA!!! Good stuff. You might want to find a nice name for Nanking though. You know... neutral... not referencing history... try not use the letters "R", "A" "P" or "E" either. If your seat of power is in China, you might have a problem governing the "superior" folk in Nippon.... Just sayin'.

JD: Worry not. Nanking will be renamed "Super Happy Peace and Unity Land" (or at least that is what it will translate to). Each year we will have “D***** Days,” a gymnastics and martial arts competition to celebrate how wonderful it is to peacefully co-exist under the leadership of Chairman D*****.

TC Second Pick: England

Ok, now that I am fed, I am ready to makemy final two picks. First, recognizing that there can be hostility amongst the nations, I wanted to select a country that is both strong and connected. Therefore, with my second pick I choose the United Kingdom. It is a permanent member of the UN Security Council.It hasthe second largest military expenditure next to the U.S. It is the U.S.'s closest ally. Upon acquisition, the first thing I will do is to removalthe provincial status of Northern Ireland and proclaim that it will be from hereon forth recognized as part of the Republic of Ireland.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Three

Third Round

TC: I waited until the draft came back to me before really laboring through my comments on the other rulers' choices. But now the time has come.

China: I wrestled with the idea of choosing them first. However, although they may be the largest army on earth, they are not nearly the strongest one. They are poorly trained and equipped. Its 8,500 tanks are slow, small and out-of-date. The 4,000 fighter planes in the Chinese air force are mostly from the 1960s and 1970s and lack modern avionics. Its navy's 61 submarines and 54 surface ships are capable of little more than coastal patrols.

In addition, the Chinese military forces are obligated with enormous responsibilities in defending the country's thousands upon thousands of kilometers of boundaries and coastlines. All this while being subject to military weapons sales restrictions from the United States. While Japan, Britain, Israel and Australia, all allies of the United States, can buy the most advanced weapons directly from the United States and share the latest military purpose software, China has to develop all this on its own. (Although, Emperor D***** may have tempered the significance of this issue with his acquisition of Japan). For these reasons I shied away from China. However, there is something to be said for the idea that you put 100 rifles on the ground and then put 100 men behind each one of them.

Germany: An excellent pick! Although, I wonder what Kaiser K***** will due with the skinhead uprisings against the immigrant population. Hmm, how does one quell riots?

Russia: Historically, another solid choice. Tradition adds to the luster of the pick. However, there are issues here as well. If Sparta Novo plans on making a move on Kaiser K*****'s territories, shouldn't it first deal with the various itstans of the former Soviet Union? Uniting the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is a tall order. At least JS's communist blood will finally run proud!

France: France? France? Ok, Sparta Novo is clearly trying to position itself to take over all of Europe. There may be a plan to "relocate" the indigenous French population. However, it appears that the women will remain. Doesn't Sparta Novo appreciate the history of this land? Many cultures have invaded France throughout the years. It falls like a house of cards. However, the French culture still remains! Its snooty, annoying, condescending, pansy-ass culture is like a weed that cannot be killed! Me thinks that this will be Sparta Novo's version of the "War on Drugs." A battle that in theory is valiant, will nevertheless be fruitless!

South Africa: Apparently Kaiser K***** likes racial/nationalistic strife! While a remarkably good choice from an economic standpoint. South Africa has rich mineral resources. It is the world's largest producer and exporter of gold and platinum and also exports a significant amount of coal. The value-added processing of minerals to produce ferroalloys, stainless steels, and similar products is a major industry and an important growth area. The country's diverse manufacturing industry is a world leader in several specialized sectors, including railway rolling stock, synthetic fuels, and mining equipment and machinery.

In addition, South Africa's major trading partners include the United Kingdom, the United States, Germany, Italy, Belgium, China, and Japan. Certainly diplomatic ties between Kerwin and Dillon is looking good.

Now the bad. And when we say bad, we mean really bad! Kaiser K***** acknowledged the HIV issue in South Africa, but his spin doctors ignore the seriousness. South Africa is one of the countries most affected by HIV with more than 6 million HIV infected individuals. Nearly 20% of the 15-49 year old population is infected and in parts of the country up to 40% of women of child-bearing age are infected. Maybe Kaiser K***** plans on using South Africa as a slave colony to funnel money to the motherland?

Japan: Another excellent choice! A great compliment to China. Emperor Dillon is definitely seeking balance while trying to limit his weaknesses. Kudos!

TC Third Pick: Vatican City

With my last pick I thought about the sheer numbers of China. I was going to take India figuring that300,000,000 less people is merely a drop in the bucket. Then I had a better idea. I decided to pick a small country that exercise great powerover many. As such, with my last pick I choose to acquire VaticanCity. Although it is a landlocked sovereign city-state whose territory consists of a walled enclave within the city of Rome,it is still the smallest independent nation in the world. To demonstrate itspower as the center of the Roman Catholic church, here is a list of RomanCatholic countries:

1)Andorra, 2)Argentina, 3)Austria, 4)Belgium, 5)Belize, 6)Bolivia, 7)Brazil, 8)Burundi, 9)Chile, 10)Colombia, 11)Congo, Democratic Republic of the, 12)Congo, Republic of the, 13)Costa Rica, 14)Croatia, 15)Dominica, 16)Dominican Republic, 17)East Timor, 18)Ecuador, 19)El Salvador, 20)France, 21)Grenada, 22)Guatemala, 23)Haiti, 24)Honduras, 25)Hungary, 26)Ireland, 27)Italy, 28)Kiribati, 29)Liechtenstein, 30)Lithuania, 31)Luxembourg, 32)Malta, 33)Mexico 34)Micronesia, Federated States of, 35)Monaco, 36)Nicaragua, 37)Panama, 38)Paraguay, 39)Peru, 40)Philippines, 41)Poland, 42)Portugal, 43)Rwanda, 44)Saint Lucia, 45)San Marino, 46)Seychelles, 47)Slovakia, 48)Spain, 49)Uruguay and 50)Venezuela.

Invade the HolySee and you run the risk of pissing off a lot of other countries!

JS: Well played, Sir... however, as Pope, either you have to proclaim that priests can now have sex, or, you will never get laid again....ever.

TC: I sense a Vatican III coming.

JS: Well, considering you have done such savage violence to the time-honored historical and spiritual epicenter of the Catholic world by proclaiming yourself as Pope... I guess I just have to find the true Pope Benedict XVI and have him set up a new shop in Avignon. Antipope TC... I like the sound of that. My France pick is really picking up steam as the "sleeper" pick of the draft.

TC: Whatever gets you to sleep as night, Ruler of France…

JS: And by "Ruler of France" you mean Imperator of Sparta Novo, whose lands stretch across the whole of Russia, who has subsumed two members of the UN Security council and the G8, exerts dominion over the sixth and ninth largest economies in the world, whose nation is the number one tourist destination in the world and, now, home to the legitimate seat of the Catholic church? OK.

TC: Alas Sparta Novo is drunk with high ideas that tourism will remain high in an area where forced relocation is at hand. And his false religion?! Pleasse!

JS: So it IS true... you have set yourself up as a new Pope. You have, in effect, taken all those countries you listed and allied them with me. Spiritual power lies not with a tract of land, but, in the expanses of the soul. See? I am already beginning to sound like a spiritual leader.

TC: It was a bloodless coup.

JS: Oh... Heaven surely shines upon Antipope TC for not executing Benedict XVI upon his assumption of power.

TC: What are you talking about? Pope Benedict suffered a stroke and passed away peacefully. The College of Cardinals met and we now have Pope TC I.

JS: Not sure about that...

JD: Seems on the up and up to me... The Roman Catholic D*****ians will undoubtedly accept the new Pope. As much as the Imperator of Sparta may cry and protest, his allegations will fall on deaf ears absent evidence of a cover up.

JS: Well, last time I checked... you can not legislate the affairs of the soul. Two words for you, Falun Gong.

JD: Hey man, that’s China’s hang-up. D*****ia is fine with the Falun Gong. I can picture the photo-op now: Chairman D***** demonstrates Falun Gong meditative poses to recently released political prisoners. I’ll get the freaking Nobel Peace Prize for that.

JS: I am not saying that Falun Gong will give you trouble, I am merely using them as an example of the fact that your can not, by law, tell someone how to worship. As a result, your statement that the D*****ian Catholics will accept the Antipope TC I is somewhat lacking.

TC: Oh Sparta Novo how you are determined to be an island unto you self. Go ahead, pick Cuba. Bring the Cold War back full circle!

JD Third Pick: Brazil

While India seems like the no-brainer choice to complete the empire that I started with China and Japan, I just can’t do it. Instead, I’m going to round out the D*****ian Federation with BRAZIL. TC, say hello to your new best friend, because Brazil has the largest Roman Catholic population in the world. Obvious reasons for this choice include:

1) Rio de Janeiro – my hardworking citizens in China and Japan needs somewhere to kick back and blow off some steam and I don’t want their hard-earned Dillos (the national currency) going to France!

2) Women…enough said.

3) At least I’ll have a chance of winning the World Cup every four years; unfortunately it will be the soccer World Cup. Still, I need something I can watch on TV.

4) One of the coolest flags in the world. “Order and Progress” I like the sound of that.

Most importantly, this choice is about one thing…ETHANOL, baby! It’s the wave of the future and with Brazil under my control as part of a cartel with the US, I will have no need to play nice with the oil producing countries. Brazil is going to be THE major player in the market for Ethanol. Its not going to matter that China’s military is outdated. We’re going to scrap what we have and build new, ethanol burning super-tanks!

Third TK Pick: Saudi Arabia

I was going to take Brazil, so I will confess a nice selection by JD. Surprising that India is out there still, but really I am not impressed by the subcontinent. I am leaning in two directions right now, both have abundant oil supplies, both have significant impact on the regions they occupy, and both have a history of obeying either one man rule or a small oligarchy. I have decided that despite the greening of the world the fact is for the next 50 years oil will still dominate the world economy, therefore I am taking Saudi Arabia.

Positives

1) 25% of the worlds proven oil reserves.

2) Control of the Red Sea and Persian Gulf if properly motivated.

Negatives

1) Its a fucking desert. Really, Hot and dirty.

2) The Muslim issue. Not sure if being in control of the holy shrines is sitting on a keg of gunpowder or not.

3) History of terrorism and terrorist acts by a minority seeking change. Again, issues.

But to control the taps of this much oil that is easily extracted, I could not risk John shoring up Russia supplies with the Kingdom of Saud. This was strictly a strategic move.

To be fair, I like TC's idea behind the Vatican/Pope move but I think he overestimates the impact faith has on geopolitics. You might be able to rally people against abortion, gay marriage etc. but actual involvement in the governing of nations is minimal. The Pope may have served as a rallying point for eastern block citizens in he cold war but that was more symbolic then anything. With his England pick, I would say TC has decided to take over the weakest part of the former British Empire, if that was his plan he should have reclaimed either Canada or India instead of going for the symbolic title.

JD made three solid selections but will have limited influence outside of Asia. Brazil struggles with its infrastructure problems and South America is easily ignored. He will control Australia however, TC seems unaware of the critical trade needed between Australia and China/Japan and will find his bargaining power at trade talks very limited.

I admit that JS' sandwiching of France and Russia places Germany in a bind, I will need to cultivate strong US ties to limit his aggressions. I think the control of oil will help in that area. Plus maybe I can stabilize the mid-east with my presence.

JS: You are "not sure" if Germany being in control of the Muslim holy shrines is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder?

I am going to go ahead and say "yes" on that.

Good luck keeping that population under control. I pretty much figured we were avoiding the middle eastern countries under the unspoken agreement that any non-Muslim power exerted over that nation is doomed. Hey, I wish you the best. Good Luck, you are going to need it.

With that pick in the hopper, I am going to go with the country that TK should have taken...

JS Third Pick: Venezuela.

Venezuela has a history of accepting the lowest and most degenerate forms of government with a subservient and complacent tolerance. How well will they finally flourish under the beatific and benevolent rulership of Imperator Johannes Augustus Caesar? It will be their golden age. Also, if you check the stats, more Miss Universes have hailed from Venezuela than from anywhere else. Moreover, I figure that if the USA tolerates the crap that Chavez dishes out now because of their oil, they will tolerate my Spartification of France without a moments hesitation and, amazingly, we will become fast friends. With the final pick of Venezuela, not only have I shored up my control of the UN Security Council and placed my footprint squarely in the middle of the the G8, but, I am now a member of OPEC and have exerted my influence into both hemispheres. In an interesting turn of events, Kaiser TK and I seemingly now have some serious common interests... friend Kaiser, planning on joining me in St. Johannesburg this summer or should I meet with you at the Eagle's Nest in the Fall?

For one brief shining moment...

...there was what looked like an start of a real season of 24. But, then, it was gone.

Now we are just getting silly. In all seriousness, who does not side with the VP on this one? Lets be objective for a moment. A man that has been in Chinese custody for over two years, who comes back to the United States under a strange sort of "deal", wants to take classified materials BACK to the Chinese which would render the entire Russian military defenseless to an attack by the Chinese in exchange for one person who, with no confirmation from anyone BUT Jack, is allegedly being held by them?

Are you kidding?

Lets be honest, the answer to Jack's request is "no" and, then, the State department gets on the phone and contacts China and demands the release of Audrey Raines. You leak it to the press and get Sec'y Heller on the t.v. demanding that his daughter is set free. In this fashion, you get the moral high ground, look good in the eyes of the world and, in the same stroke, make your "competitors" look bad and force them to apologize for the actions of a rogue official who must, now, come to America (if he is not already here) to face charges.

As I have always said, in fiction, you can ask the audience to believe the impossible, but not the improbable.

Now that is more like it...

Good episode of 24. Good action. Good suspense. Jack kicking some ass and, at the end, the bad guy hanging by his neck from an industrial chain. While I half expected him to come back to life like Karl from Die Hard and kill silverspoon, I was glad that did not happen.

However, while I know realism had to be sacrificed for drama, how is it that Cheng knows that Jack in available? I mean, if he called ten minutes earlier, he would have ghosted Jack when he was trying to approach the warehouse. If he would have called fifteen minutes earlier, he would have heard nothing but "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" considering Jack was right under a garbage truck's drive train. Either of these scenarios would have been completely detrimental to Cheng's plan as it can be logically inferred that Cheng needs Jack for something or he would not be holding Audrey.

Just sayin'