Mock Draft - Countries- Round Two

Second JS Pick: France

My second pick troubled me... however, I am going to have to go with France.

First order of business: The "Spartification" of France because, everybody needs a hobby. While this may require the "displacement" of the current residents, I plan on giving Algeria back to the Foreign Legion and, in a bit of payback, relocating all the National French men there and open up Jean-Marie Bastien-Thiry airport. Bon Chance Froggies. The end result will be a country that still has wine and cheese but with no whining and no cheesy accents. I think I will repopulate France with the Kazaks and the Georgians. They are both a hearty, warlike people who will crush the life out of any remaining current residents and the Georgians are already great winemakers. I will keep all the women though. Traditionally, French women have great lips. Simply put, a world without French culture is a world we will ALL be happier in. You're Welcome.

TC: Oui, let the pussification of Sparta Novo begin!

JD: Russia was an excellent choice! It was very hard for me to pass up the Russkies, who are very near and dear to my heart. You’ve drafted a strong, pragmatic culture, which has also spawned its share of gifted artists and intellectuals. Also, no one suffers with as much dignity and resolve as the Russians (except maybe the Irish). I must point out, however, that you may have hot women in Sparta Novo, but you also have some of the world’s ugliest. Need I remind you of the “big boned,” babushka wearing, mole sporting, vodka swilling ogres we all know so well?

France? The shocker of the draft thus far! Also, from a strategic point of view, I think you could have left France on the board until the last pick and snatched them up without a problem. I think you may be underestimating the weakening effect your French pansies may have on your Spartan men…it won’t necessarily go down as you’ve planned it. You may find some previously hard Spartan men growing doughy and soft while drinking wine, eating cheese and laying on the bank of a river with a beautiful French woman with hairy armpits…and where will the D*****ians be while this is happening? Sharpening their bayonets! Just kidding, we D*****ians love everybody and we developed nuclear technology to heat our homes, not build bombs.

TK: As Marc Antony explained to Vorinus as he prepared to takes his own life in the palace of Egypt, better to die at a place where Alexander the Great once walked then in a ditch in Gaul. Sums up France perfectly, it has always been despised.

JS: Chairman D*****, without doubt, I chose to exterminate France as a boon to us all. Your oil dependant nation which shares a cultural, historical and political alignment with Mother Russia will, no doubt, celebrate with me in their extermination in St. Johannesburg this summer, no?

TK: Do not trust the talk of the forked tounge diplomat. The Ambassador of Sparta Novo should be treated like the dog that he is. Send him home to his ruler to explain that the alliance of Chaiman D*****and Kaiser K***** cannot be broken by promises of a summer barbecue in that open sewer on the Baltic.

TK: I see a game of Axis and Allies in our future.

JS: Well, I see we have foregone diplomatic formalities and chosen to make an enemy of the Spartans in a most boorish and uncivilized manner. Check yourself Kaiser, a war with me is a war on two fronts. We all know how that worked out for you last time. You might have to take Argentina or Brazil with your last pick just to have some place to run to.

TK: Well, I am counting on the fact that you mass genocide of the French will lead to the US invading and freeing the French in short order. So it is you that would benefit from your own advice. I see you lasting all of two years in France.

JS: Mass genocide? Why, such sanguinary thoughts, even from the likes of you, come a surprise. If your read the details of my choice, I merely intend to relocate them to a sunny, pleasant country formally known as Algiers, under the steady, even and fair rule of the Foreign Legion. Clearly, this will spark no such outrage from the United States.

TK: Power of the press my friend, power of the press, if you think that in todays modern age that your plan would not be exposed you are crazy. Face it, you underestimated your own rules when you left the U.S. as a wildcard in the game. Mass relocation/genocide may work in the Sudan and go unnoticed but in France? You are asking for intervention.

JS: Intervention by whom? The U.N.? I will simply not sign the return receipt for their strongly worded letters and claim I never got them, that will get me off the hook. Also, I think you overestimate the cultural significance and sympathetic feelings toward the French. If you really think that, after our recent history, the U.S. population would countenance a war with Sparta Novo over an entirely domestic dispute concerning the French, you may be enjoying too much Hoegaarten

TK: Someone is already drunk on his imaginary power. The U.S. exists, your actions would result in trade sanctions, escalation, and eventually Germany will invite the U.S. to cooperate in the multi-national force that will free the French Citizens, then I will volunteer my forces to maintain the peace in the former French province of Sparta Novo, ruling as I see fit.

JS: Those are strong words coming from a boozy Bavarian buffoon sandwiched in between a rock and a hard place. Like I said... take Argentina. It is your only hope.

TK: Maybe TC was smart to take Australia, you are clearly looking to escalate this to a Def-Con 1 condition. By the way, I was watching Wargames the other day and deicded that the NORAD DefCon step ladder neon sign would have to enter into my top 10 movie props I would like to own. Imagine that in your office, your secretary walks in and sees you on the phone, as the sign clicks from Defcon 3 to Defcon 2. Why Homeland security went with the color chart is beyond me. Defcon all the way. I see it slotted in behind the pinball machine from the Accussed and behind Billy Baroo, but ahead of Fredo's boat. I think Mesallas chariot is a differnet category now.

JS: To the contrary... Sparta Novo wants nothing more than to peacefully co-exist in this world... just without the French. You misinterpret my desire to eradicate, umm.. err... relocate the French as some sort of veiled check on German sovereignty. I assure you, no such legerdemain exists. The Spartan history is one of defense and preservation of our homeland. I have my French helots and, left to my own, you will find I am a amicable neighbor and, if treated with mutual respect, a formidable ally. However, if provoked, no greater enemy can you find.

And, by the way, the Norad DEFCON sign should definitely be on the top ten. Not higher than the Idol from Raiders though.

TK: The idol is cooler then the ark. Interestingly, whenever I do that list, nothing from the Star Wars movies stands out as must have, similarly, the LOTR trilogy misses as well, I am guessing it is the other worldy nature of the objects that takes away the value in real life. Whereas these examples ring true at all levels.

Diplomatically I will accept your offer, however intellectually, I will be bragging that your concession to peace is more a result of my correct prediction that the U.S. would join against you should you continue to eradicate the French from France. You are stuck with a French France, face it.

JS: The idol is cooler than the Ark because you can put it on your mantle and let it speak for itself. You have to build a whole Temple of Solomon for the Ark and, really, who has the time for that?

Intellectually, you can brag to yourself all you want, but, you can not get over the fact that you know I am right about the U.N. being nothing more than a traffic cop on valium standing in the middle of the Turnpike and the fact that the U.S. citizenry do not have the stomach for a war which entails nothing but the relocation of French citizens to a warmer, sunnier clime. Seriously, I can see the peace demonstration signs now... "NO BLOOD FOR FROMAGE!!!"

TK: Perhaps I need clarification, you have drafted the country, your control of the Country is assumed how? You obviously are implying that a force will need to land and control the population, or is it the case that your leadership is universally accepted by both your new citizens and the worlds nations? If you have already been placed in power through legitimate channels then you are correct, your moving the French out of France would be tolerated, but since you are indicating a world where the U.N. still exists then I need to keep that in mind and so do you. Your actions would be subject to outside pressure. Plus, since I currently do not have a permanent seat on the security council I may need to obtain one.

Second TK Pick : South Africa

Anyone else see that coming? I believe JS has cemented the alliance between Chairman JD and myself. I am taking South Africa with my next pick. South Africa is a middle-income, emerging market with an abundant supply of natural resources; well-developed financial, legal, communications, energy, and transport sectors; a stock exchange that ranks among the 10 largest in the world; and a modern infrastructure supporting an efficient distribution of goods to major urban centers throughout the region

1) Rich and varied country, the beaches of Cape Town and Natal, the lush verdant plains of the upper veldt, a Nation in need of strong leadership.

2) Untapped labor markets and my German citizens have a knack for getting strong performance out of this labor.

3) The power of sub Saharan Africa, its military resources will control enormous natural resources.

4) Rugby. They are not the best but they play a very hard nosed style.

5) Diamonds. Just a few, not to mention the gold, chromium, antimony, coal, iron ore, manganese, nickel, phosphates, tin, uranium, gem diamonds, platinum, copper, vanadium, salt, and natural gas.

6) Safaris.

7) Majority Christian population, this is important, while there will be civil unrest it will not be based on religious lines, easier to control that unrest.

8) Same Time zone as Berlin. My citizens will be more productive because of this.

Problems

1) HIV over 21 % of population. A massive effort and expense will be needed to control this problem.

2) Infrastructure and Education. Again, this is a leadership issue, given the allegiance to Germany and its direct interest, I believe things will turn around.

3) Race relations. Admitted this is a problem. See # 3 above. But if JS can kill all the French I should be able to find a more reasonable solution to this issue.

4) Water. Desalination plants. Tap the Ocean. Also with Global warming, just go harvest some of that Antarctic shelf. First Order of business, Take out Mugabe and liberate Zimbabwe. Second order of business, invest heavily in Rugby Union to beat Australia and humiliate Tim at the Tri-Nations. George Gregan sucks.

TC: Alas, but when I invade and acquire New Zealand, our national rugby prowess will be unmatched!

Second JD Pick: Japan

I will reserve all talk of alliances until I see the final selections. I don’t want to line up with someone and then find they’ve chosen Haiti with their last pick (no offense to the Haitians, but, come on, that place is a mess). For now I say to the Kaiser, the King of Sparta and the Prime Minister of Australia that you are all equally within the favor of D*****ia for the time being. My next choice doesn’t offer much in terms of land but has the world’s tenth largest population and offers a wealth of “intangibles.” I choose JAPAN.

1. Its nestled nicely in the neighborhood of the my homeland so I won’t be stretched too thin across the globe.

2. It has exhibited a strong warrior culture throughout its history from the age of the samurai through WWII. If the need arises, I can quickly assemble a citizen army that exhibits a fight-to-the-last-man-even-if the-last-man-has-nothing-but-his-fingernails-left-and-is-up-against-a-Sherman-tank attitude. One word, “Bushido!”

3. The population is technologically proficient (probably more so than any other county on the planet) and economically sophisticated. Perhaps we can figure out a way to deal with our “oil dependency” issues, but if not, I’m sure we’ll have the financial clout to take care of that problem without siphoning funds from more important projects, such as the newest wonder of the modern world, the Collossus at D***** City.

4. Japan is respected worldwide diplomatically. Ever since the end of WWII, no one has really had a problem with Japan; except for China, which is now mine, and Korea, which I suspect will be extremely deferential given the new power structure in the region. We need someone to smooth over the ruffled feathers that will surely result from my heavy-handed foreign policy.

5. Due for increasing amounts of capital coming from the US via the Major League Baseball bidding process.

6. Kobe beef, saki and sushi. Its hardly a good plate of meat and potatoes, but that’s some seriously good sh**.

7. The workforce is educated, diligent and healthy, with one of the longest life expectancies in the world. Longer life = more work accomplished for the greater glory of D******.

8. Toyota, Honda, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Sony, Toshiba…

9. Home to some seriously hot women, who seem all the hotter because they respect their men. In an age where the stay-at-home dad is gaining acceptance in the US, Japan remains a place where men are men. Plus, if You Only Live Twice is accurate, I will have my pick of the women because of the hair on my chest and arms. Alas, we will not be players on the world rugby circuit, but I challenge anyone to step up to the ping pong table with D*******!

JS: ping pong table!!!! HA!!! Good stuff. You might want to find a nice name for Nanking though. You know... neutral... not referencing history... try not use the letters "R", "A" "P" or "E" either. If your seat of power is in China, you might have a problem governing the "superior" folk in Nippon.... Just sayin'.

JD: Worry not. Nanking will be renamed "Super Happy Peace and Unity Land" (or at least that is what it will translate to). Each year we will have “D***** Days,” a gymnastics and martial arts competition to celebrate how wonderful it is to peacefully co-exist under the leadership of Chairman D*****.

TC Second Pick: England

Ok, now that I am fed, I am ready to makemy final two picks. First, recognizing that there can be hostility amongst the nations, I wanted to select a country that is both strong and connected. Therefore, with my second pick I choose the United Kingdom. It is a permanent member of the UN Security Council.It hasthe second largest military expenditure next to the U.S. It is the U.S.'s closest ally. Upon acquisition, the first thing I will do is to removalthe provincial status of Northern Ireland and proclaim that it will be from hereon forth recognized as part of the Republic of Ireland.