Open letter to the person who invented the "juice box"

Dear Sir:

You suck...

oh... wait... That is not a pun, you really suck.

Do you know why we use glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc.? Yes, it is because we wish to be able to transport our potable liquids in serving size quantities without trying to cup them in our hands and not have to carry a wineskin around. Do you know why we make glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. out of sturdy material? Yes, it is because when we grasp the glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. we do not wish the contents to come spilling out of them.

Good sir, you crafted the juice box, a product filled with liquid, which is often red, a product designed for use by children, out of a soft, squishy material. Guess what happens when a child's hand squeezes the juice box? Yes... the outward pressure on the juice box decreases the interior area of the juice box, sending the juice up and out of the straw creating, in effect, a "juice gun". To a one-year-old, this is the coolest thing ever. To a parent, this is apologizing and paying a cleaning bill to a person standing in line in front of you in the mall who, by the Grace of God, has children and understands the evil thing you brought into this world.

However, it does not end with the "juice gun." Oh no... do you know what happens when you blow into a straw? Well, since you seem to be clueless, let me set out the physics. In case you did not know, we actually don't suck liquid up a straw, air pressure pushes it up because of the higher pressure on the drink and lower pressure in your mouth as you "suck up." Guess what happens when child blows into the juice box? Yes... the pressure on the inside is greater than the pressure on the outside and the juice box winds up looking like an understudy for the Bellagio pond. Hell, not only is it a juice gun, but, now it is a juice gun that you can set into motion and run away from... a fire and forget juice gun.

You, sir, have created, marketed and sold a product to children which can only be grasped up to a certain foot pound of pressure and does not allow a child to blow bubbles into a straw. You sir, are an ass... an ass that clearly never had children.

However, it does not end with the construction of the juice box itself. No, what critique of your despicable device would be complete without mentioning the method by which the straw, the only mechanism by which to extract the juice, is put into its working position? Only a sadist would construct a straw made of light-weight, low tensile plastic when that straw has to be used to puncture a hole through a substance that has the effective strength of Kevlar. You know what happens when that straw bends (as it always does)? Well, I find myself cutting open your ignoble invention with a knife, turning it over, and pouring its contents into a glass (after popping a hole in the back for air flow). Mind you, this is what I should have been doing in the first place, if it were not for your contemptible contrivance.

To all of you people who are thinking about the ubiquitous "juice box holders" I see around, I give you this:

This, for all of you people, is a cup... use one.