I finally saw Apocalypto

I am sure there is a list of things to say about Mel Gibson.

On that list better be the fact that he can direct one hell of an action movie.

Wanted: Nemesis

I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 36 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a job that pays the bills.

But something is missing.

I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine before its too late and I find myself unable to become excited at all. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. Sure, an addiction would fit the bill, but, it is a little late for me to be "experimenting" with drugs and it is just not my style.

What I need is a nemesis.

I need someone to steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when I'm running to catch the train and occasionally exclaim: "Ahha, we meet again." That sort of thing. Just keep me on my toes as complacency will be the death of me.

As my potential nemesis, you will need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile, cunning and manic dedication to thwarting my daily efforts. Mercilessness is a plus, especially if you have adopted it as a cognomen, e.g., "Mike the Merciless." Further, if you choose the "hands on" approach, hand-to-hand combat skills are a must. Evil laugh mandatory, British accent preferred.

Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

EOE

Read the Article

http://stuff.co.nz/4598088a5620.html

Quick Note

How awesome would it be to be riding an adult-sized one of these to work every day?

New Feature - Friendly Greetings

The "Fist Bump" has gained some recent media attention. I figured that the world needed some guidance concerning the nature of various friendly greetings and how they should be executed.

No, no... really... no thanks needed, I do it for the sake of us all.

Let us start with the "fist bump."

The Fist Bump

History: The fist bump has several different names (e.g. fist pound, "big up," "respect knucks"). However, its origin seems to be localized to the Caribbean, particularly Jamaica. It has gained universal prominence and is widely accepts as an "informal" method of hand salutation.

Execution: The execution of a fist bump is fairly simple. With a horizontal forearm (or whole arm, depending upon the distance from the bumpee) a closed fist is extended toward the recipient. The fist can be either knuckles up, simulating a punch, or knuckles facing outward, as if the hand is grasping a beer mug. Once the fists make contact on the surface of the fist defined by the area bounded by the Pisiform bone and Trapezoid bone on the upper extreme and the distal portions of the second through fifth metacarpal bones, the fist is withdrawn and the fist released to an open handed position. The moment of the fist "bump" can be accompanied by auditory simulation of crashing noises (e.g. "kshsh").

A variation of the fist bump is executed by "mashing" the top of the recipient's hand as defined by the first and second metacarpal and distal phalanx bones with the fleshy portion of the hand which lies over the abductor minimi digiti muscle. A depiction of this alternative fist bump is provided below:

Commentary: The fist bump is the preferred method of hand salutation by germophobes. As a result, it should be disfavored by the normal people of the world. Notwithstanding this fact, the fist bump remains popular among young people or old people trying to appear young, i.e. "hip". Its popularity among young people can easily be attributed to the well-documented desire of young persons to be dissuaded from adopting the mannerisms of "old people" (e.g. the common handshake). Its popularity among old people trying to look young is more complex, but, research reveals this trend has a statistically significant relation to the sales of "reunion tour" tickets. Notwithstanding the foregoing, there are limited situations in which the fist bump can be properly utilized without shame. These situations are generally limited to those in which equipment is being worn on the hands which make proper hand salutary gestures impossible (e.g. hockey games, boxing matches). However, you may always utilize this form of greeting if you are a Wonder Twin.

Rules of fist bumping:

1. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Otherwise you risk being classified as "old trying to be young." As corollary to this rule, you may never fist bump during a business meeting, even if your office had adopted the "business causal" attire rules.
2. Fist bumping is forbidden in hospitals (including doctor's offices), funeral homes and houses of worship.
3. Do not fist bump the misfortune of others.
4. Do not fist bump children. Hopefully, by not passing this gesture to them, it will die out.
5. Do not offer a fist bump as an opening greeting in a job interview.
6. Women can fist bump anytime they want, especially if it violates rules 1-2, this is because when women do it, it is really cute.
7. Regardless of your feeling toward the gesture, never refuse a fist bump. Moreover, if you believe a fist bump has been offered to you in violation of any rule, the fist bump must be executed out of sight from surrounding persons. Afterward, you must inform the offending fist bump offeror as to the rules of fist bumping.
8. Do not fist bump "over" or "across" anyone unless you first offer a fist bump to that person.
9. The thumb must always remain tightly drawn in during any fist bump.
10. The force of a fist bump is directly proportional to the amount of padding you are wearing on your hand at the time of the fist bump.

Red Wings Win

For the fourth time in 11 seasons the Stanley Cup has returned to Hockeytown! Can't say I am surprised, but, damn if the refs weren't trying to tip the scales to even the playing field on this series.

Harvey Korman - R.I.P.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I can see Tim Conway coming up to the coffin at the wake, looking at the body for a second too long, and Harvey Korman starting to laugh.

P.S. Too many memories of this guy to leave it at that:

Harvey Korman: One please... Uhh... Student?
St. Peter: Are you kidding?
Harvey Korman: Pain in the ass.

P.P.S. Yes, I know he did not write his own jokes in the movies I love him in. However, a less talented comedian would have simply said the lines and the jokes would have had to carry their own weight. Korman was one of those guys who takes a written comedy script, adds himself to it, and makes it even funnier. It takes a lot of talent to say "Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise" as a straight man. He had that type of talent.

An expressive rendition...

The Sex and the City movie is coming out soon.

I do not think I can put into words how much I loathe this concept. I mean, when I hear the music, I get sick. Nothing, NOTHING can convince me that I will actually enjoy seeing the Four Whores-women of the Metropolis on the big screen.

However, by way of an expressive rendition, I will show you how I would feel if I had to watch it:
That is all.

P.S. Yes, darling, that was for you, so, don't even ask.

The most important thing to learn about Modern Adult Life

The most important thing about Modern Adult Life I have come to learn is that it consists primarily of doing shit for other people when you can think of a million better things to do with your life.

"It is what it is"

Next time you hear someone say this, do me a favor, punch them in the face.

It's OK.

I give you permission.

To anyone who uses this phrase, Aristotle, over 2,000 years ago, developed "formal logic." Its three basic laws are 1) the "law of identity" (a thing is always equal to itself, or A equals A); 2) the "law of contradiction" (if a thing is always identical with itself, it cannot be different from itself, or if A equals A, it can never equal non-A); and 3)the "law of excluded middle" (everything must be either one of two things; when two opposing statements confront one another, both cannot be true or false; the correctness of one implies the incorrectness of its contrary).

These inseparable laws are the axioms of Aristotle's system of thought and are the foundational underpin of everything that is based or grounded in logic.

By saying "it is what it is" are you trying to convince me that the law of identity is true?

Really?

Things I never thought I would hear myself say:

People who poop on the floor do NOT get to yell at their sister for being bad!

P.S. This occurred on the day of the Kentucky Derby. Perhaps this was an oracular event as Big Brown won the race?

Newsflash: Farts are intrinsically funny

The boy is 2.

Somehow, someway, he has come to the conclusion that farts are funny.

I never reinforced farting as being funny. In fact, whenever he does it, I make him say "excuse me." Notwithstanding, he has come to his own conclusion that farts are funny. E.g., whenever he takes a bath, he will squat down to wet his butt, stand up and fart. You see, the water on the butt augments the "flap-flap-flap-flap" sound of farting. After letting a nice one loose, he will laugh and say "I fawted," and laugh again. This has led me to the conclusion that farts are intrinsically funny.

Not funny because they are socially unacceptable. Not funny because of the fact they display a level of irreverence. Not funny because of whatever name is given to them in whatever language is being spoken.

Farts are funny in and of themselves.

Accordingly, I submit the following Kantian Maxim:

Pepedi ergo rideo.

I fart, therefore I laugh.

As a result, think of the most ornery, foul-tempered, misanthrope you can imagine. This person, because they eat, they fart. Because they fart, they laugh.

How to annoy me

Pull out a nail clipper and start clipping your fingernails on the PATH train.

Bonus points:

When a couple go astray, do the "wipe the front of your shirt" move normally reserved for crumbs of food.

Getting something out of the way.

Shit and Shinola, while superficially similar in appearance, are entirely distinct in their function; only one is good for polishing shoes.

New Feature - Manliest Movies of all Time

If you ever picked up a stick as a child and swung it around like a sword, you tried to execute the "behind the back move" Conan does. It is an immutable law. Why? Because this movie is as close to the heart of any man (or man-child) as any movie can get.

I am not going to rehash the plot (and, contrary to what detractors may claim, there IS one, and it is GOOD), because you should know it. I would only ask that you juxtapose Nietzsche's bit about the camel and the lion to the plot and see what you come up with.

Anyway, this movie not only has the most bad-ass, ball thumping music ever written by mankind, but our protagonist is so manly that someone else actually cries for him.

If you are like me, you have seen it about four-hundred times. Watch it again, you know you want to. Your testosterone levels will thank you for it.

Manly quote:
Mongol General: "Conan, what is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"

In all likelihood, my kids are cooler than yours.

Moreover, at some point, they will probably kick your kids' asses.

Exhibit "A" - The boy (age 2) is riding in the car and Ride of the Valkyrie comes on. He begins singing "BUM-BUM-BUM BOM!" while flailing fists in the air. When the song is over his little voice says "AGAIN!" When the song is played again, he snarls his lip like Elvis.

Exhibit "B" - The boy and I are watching a Kung-fu movie. He is in my lap. Without provocation, a foot lands squarely in my face, followed by a roundhouse punch that knocks my glasses off. The boy smiles.

Exhibit "C" - The girl (age 3) loves Avatar. She can correctly imitate the Hung Ga Earthbending moves perfectly. On a lark, I instruct her on how to assume a balanced stance, have us touch forearms, tell her to close her eyes and tell her to prevent me from touching her with my hand. I do a simple wrist turning trick, thinking she will not know what to do. She not only reverses the wrist lock, but, pulls me forward and connects with a haymaker to the ear. I quote "Fight Club" at her ("You punched me in the ear!") and we had a laugh about it.

A storm is coming, and your kids better not be in the way.

File this one under "unlikely"

Click Here

In case you were too lazy, the article talks about the fact that cloth diapers are making a comeback due to, get this, a "green movement."

"Green movements" are the VERY reason why we sought an alternative to cloth diapers.

This will not catch on. Do you want to know why? Because "helping the environment" falls to the wayside really quick when you are up to your elbows in baby shit.



Speaking of dirty diapers... my wife has this strange habit. When she checks if the boy's diaper is dirty, and is unable to come to an initial satisfactory conclusion, she will stick her finger directly into the "destination area" of the diaper (named, by me, as the "Infernus Parvulorum") and fish for... wait for it... shit.

I find this amazing.

This is like making soldiers walk down a hostile street in order to determine if a sniper is there.

Funny

Just when you think Vikings could not get any cooler

Click Here

Regarding Obama...

Before long, people tend to turn on our messiahs, and Obama will be no different.

Come November, his campaign will be nailed to a tree, with a sign overhead:

Barack Obama Rex Laevorum

Who is your Tyler Durden?

A little mental exercise to try at home.

Imagine that a part of your psyche broke off and lived on is own. What would that psyche be like and which actor would play the role?

Mine? At this phase of my life, the one thing a break-away part of my psyche would embody is simply not giving I crap about you, your life, his life, the world or anything in it. My breakaway psyche would get twenty extra packets of ketchup in his take out bag because, when the guy behind the counter asked him if he wanted extra ketchup (as if he were doing him a favor), the look he gives him made him leave a skid mark. His eyes would be two laser optical sights and his dick would look like the "crotch gun" in From Dusk Till Dawn. He would be the guy who drives to the strip club in a gray primer '69 Chevy SS with a bottle of Jack in his hand drinking it en route. He would cut the line and go into the club with the bottle still in his hand (now about only 2/3rds full) and, if the bouncer has a problem with it, well, fuck him.

When he walks into the place, he will make the strippers dance to "Into the Void" by Sabbath and "The Trooper" by Maiden. Then, when (not "if") he breaks the "no touching" rule in the lap dance room, and the bouncer who played OT for the "practice squad" at OSU comes back to give him some guff, he will pull a WWI trench knife out of his boot and break all of his front teeth with the hand guard. Finishing off the last of the bottle, he would then crash it over the guy's head. Why? Fuck him that's why. In fact, Fuck you for even wondering why he would do that.

I think that Kurt Russell could really play that guy well now. In fact, my breakaway psyche would look just like this:



You have a problem with that? Well fuck you.

I never saw "Borat"

The movie came and went. The DVD was released. It even was on cable for a while. However, I never saw the movie.

I kind of like that about myself.

Holy Shit. Just... Ho-lee Shit!

Holy Shit

The world is really, seriously, fucked up.

I know what Coprophilia is.

Mind you, I have never looked it up in the dictionary, researched it on the Internet, seen any documentaries about it, seen any porn where it "snuck" into the "plot" or even so much as had a passing reference. Indeed, thinking about the subject matter simply never occurred to me.

However, somehow, some way, I know what Coprophilia is.

I can't tell you how or when I found out. But, somehow I did. That is disturbing. Is it an indicator of the level of discourse which is considered "common" now-a-days? Has what we consider "commonplace" and "acceptable" sunk so low as to require every person to just simply know what Coprophilia is? Mind you I am not, nor have I ever been a prude... by ANY stretch of the imagination. However, I just want to know how it is that this type of activity gets injected into the mainstream and not relegated to the corners of the fringes of the outskirts of society.

I just don't get it.

As I typed that last sentence, I realized that I am happy I don't "get it" either.

P.S. Yeah, no picture for this post.

I miss good music

And I forget
Just what it takes
And yet I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard
Its hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

Damn, I really, really miss good music.

I know it has been a while... (part Deux)

However, while I am not short of things to write about (the Girl's attempt to use the Jedi mind trick on me, the Boy's continued drive to steal food from everyone) I am just short on the time needed to write something worthy of putting out into the world.

I will get back on track soon enough.

Again, for your viewing pleasure

Manliness Obituary - The Motorcycle

The motorcycle used to be a manly icon - its flower blossoming with Marlon Brando in The Wild One. The motorcycle was a symbol of freedom, independence, and rebellion.

Nowadays, it represents usually one thing, a middle-aged, middle management guy who joined a motorcycle club but only rides his bike on fair-weathered weekends while cruising around suburbia at 32 miles an hour listening to Born to be Wild on repeat on his iPod Nano while attired in brand-spanking new "motorcycle clothes" he ordered on-line.

As a result, the motorcycle has lost all of its significance. Even the Hells Angels have an official website. Indeed, with prices of Harley Davidson motorcycles well into the 45K range, the once dreaded "1%" moniker is more an indicator of their income bracket than their violent nature.

As a result, the motorcycle has completely lost its status as an icon of masculinity and rebellion. Now, it is a symbol of wayward men trying to "find" themselves on the open road of suburbia, just as long as they are home in time for dinner.

Nothing deep. Just Funny.

No witty title here, just pity.

This is a picture of the always easy-on-the-eyes Cindy Crawford and her two children.



When I saw it, I thought to myself: "Damn.. the apple does not fall very far from the tree... she has some really beautiful girls (In a totally non-creepy way)."

However, I found out that the pretty girl with the blond hair is actually her son.

I really pity that child.

POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!!!

The Girl, of her own volition, did poo-poo on the potty.

This will be a day long remembered.

Huh Huh Huh...

Pupienus Maximus

My Boy, descendant of Herakles

While they were boys, the Spartans were not allowed to wear anything but one cloak. No shoes, no underwear, and no additional clothes were permitted -- even in winter. They slept in their military groups, on reeds they plucked at the river with their own hands. What they were given to eat was never enough, so to keep from going hungry they were forced to plan ingenious schemes to steal food. If they got caught, they got a severe whipping -- not for the moral wrong of stealing, but for the military sin of not being careful enough to avoid capture.

-Plutarch, Lycurgus, Father of Sparta

OK, the boy has more than one set of clothes, wears underwear and has shoes. Also, he has a bed. However, notwithstanding the fact that he is only fifteen months old, the boy has taken to stealing his food. I have watched him eye someone else's food basket at the beach with the shrewdness and cunning of a wolf cub. While a lesser child of non-warrior stock would walk straight up to the basket and plead for the contents, in effect, begging for his food like a common street urchin, the warrior-boy will wait until an opportune moment arrives, sneak around (i.e. outflank) the owner of the desired food, wait until they are not looking and, with a slow and steady thumb and index finger, carefully remove the item. Once in his grasp, he will "hide" it with both hands and run back to his "territory" (my chair) to eat it. He even gives me a "look what I did!" look when he gets back to his territory.

Eventually, I will have to teach him that stealing is wrong, of course. However, at this stage of the game, he is demonstrating something that can not be taught, the willingness to put one's neck out there to achieve a desired goal.

He makes me proud.

Click it... and your day will be changed.

click here

Seriously, totally safe for work.

Just make sure the sound is on.

This is just funny

Eye of the Beholder

I am on the 6:18 train home and my iPod starts the third act of Die Walkure.

I am not going to explain the whole ring cycle here... suffice to say in the second act, Brünnhilde, the beloved daughter of Wotan, has disobeyed Wotan by vowing to protect Siegmund from harm because she believed it was what her father would have wanted her to do despite his command to let him die. Wotan arrives, sees what has happened, breaks Siegmund's sword and causes his death. Brünnhilde runs away and Wotan takes off after her.

Begin Act III - after The Ride of the Valkyrie, Wotan finds Brünnhilde and passes judgement on her: Brünnhilde pleads that in disobeying his orders she was really doing what he wished. Wotan will not rescind his command: she must lie in sleep, a prize for any man who finds her. But as Wotan's anger abates, Brünnhilde asks the favor of being surrounded in sleep by a wall of fire that only the bravest hero can pierce.

It was here that something happened. Whenever I have heard this work in the past, my heart always went out to Brünnhilde. Don't get me wrong, I could intellectually grasp why Wotan had to do what he did, but, my heart was with Brünnhilde. You know, the "establishment" doing the wrong thing in the face of noble intent. However, this time, my heart was with Wotan. I knew he did what he did because he is Wotan, the chief god. His word could not be disobeyed, no matter what the intent. However, the emotion in the words, for the first time, resonated inside me on a personal level.

My heart further softened as the music went on and the baritone voice of Wotan was singing:

"that radiant pair of eyes that I often kissed when you earned a reward and sang in childlike praise of heroes... those gleaming eyes that shone in the storm when I longed for the joys of the world amid danger and dread. One last time I kiss these eyes farewell...

my heart quivered a bit as Wotan, sadly renouncing his daughter, kisses Brünnhilde's eyes with sleep and mortality...

"On a happier man may they shine one day. For this sorrowing god, they must finally close.

There... right there... the image of my little girl flashed in my mind... and she was wearing a wedding dress...

"Now the god takes his leave and kisses your godhead away."

...and I just lifted her veil and kissed her on the head.

guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Someone must have popped a benzyl bromide canister on my train because, well, my eyes were getting a little wet. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to some folk, but, this is unprecedented for me. I am not going to tout my "man resume", but, it is pretty solid. A week ago, I would have been more likely to believe a person who said "in seven days, the CIA will reveal that we have been at war with aliens from a different planet for the last 300 years" than a person who said "in seven days, an opera will move you to tears on a public train."

Notwithstanding this fact, there I was, doing the best I could to not look like I was a blubbering fool. Opting for the Rodin "thinking" pose, I pinched the bridge of my nose and managed to disperse any moisture that had begun to collect in and around my eyes.

That little girl is really getting the best of me.

Not really big on quotes, but...

This one is sticking in my mind right now:

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

-Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

That is all.

I know it has been a while...

...I have things to say, but, not the time in which to say it.

sigh...

I found this picture:

I just don't know what to say. I am sure I will come back and write something witty about this, but, for now, I am too enamored to say or do anything. The only thing that comes to mind is that if there was a way I could dot my "i"s with hearts in this post, I would do it.

Open letter to the person who invented the "juice box"

Dear Sir:

You suck...

oh... wait... That is not a pun, you really suck.

Do you know why we use glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc.? Yes, it is because we wish to be able to transport our potable liquids in serving size quantities without trying to cup them in our hands and not have to carry a wineskin around. Do you know why we make glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. out of sturdy material? Yes, it is because when we grasp the glasses, mugs, cups, steins, tankards, etc. we do not wish the contents to come spilling out of them.

Good sir, you crafted the juice box, a product filled with liquid, which is often red, a product designed for use by children, out of a soft, squishy material. Guess what happens when a child's hand squeezes the juice box? Yes... the outward pressure on the juice box decreases the interior area of the juice box, sending the juice up and out of the straw creating, in effect, a "juice gun". To a one-year-old, this is the coolest thing ever. To a parent, this is apologizing and paying a cleaning bill to a person standing in line in front of you in the mall who, by the Grace of God, has children and understands the evil thing you brought into this world.

However, it does not end with the "juice gun." Oh no... do you know what happens when you blow into a straw? Well, since you seem to be clueless, let me set out the physics. In case you did not know, we actually don't suck liquid up a straw, air pressure pushes it up because of the higher pressure on the drink and lower pressure in your mouth as you "suck up." Guess what happens when child blows into the juice box? Yes... the pressure on the inside is greater than the pressure on the outside and the juice box winds up looking like an understudy for the Bellagio pond. Hell, not only is it a juice gun, but, now it is a juice gun that you can set into motion and run away from... a fire and forget juice gun.

You, sir, have created, marketed and sold a product to children which can only be grasped up to a certain foot pound of pressure and does not allow a child to blow bubbles into a straw. You sir, are an ass... an ass that clearly never had children.

However, it does not end with the construction of the juice box itself. No, what critique of your despicable device would be complete without mentioning the method by which the straw, the only mechanism by which to extract the juice, is put into its working position? Only a sadist would construct a straw made of light-weight, low tensile plastic when that straw has to be used to puncture a hole through a substance that has the effective strength of Kevlar. You know what happens when that straw bends (as it always does)? Well, I find myself cutting open your ignoble invention with a knife, turning it over, and pouring its contents into a glass (after popping a hole in the back for air flow). Mind you, this is what I should have been doing in the first place, if it were not for your contemptible contrivance.

To all of you people who are thinking about the ubiquitous "juice box holders" I see around, I give you this:

This, for all of you people, is a cup... use one.

Brainwashing

OK... so I am at a mediation today. Not the type that would make or break my career, but, definitely something that I have to be on my game for. So, there I am and, from the corner of my mind, I hear the following:

We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship, zooming through the sky... Little Einsteins. Climb aboard, get ready to explore. There's so much to find, Little Einsteins. We're going on a mission, start the countdown 5, 4, 3,2,1...

Do they design this stuff for its ability to stick in your mind and repeat itself? I can not count the number of times of I have woken up in the middle of the night hearing the "hooo-ahhh-ho-ho" from the Go Diego Go! intro and, frankly, am quite embarrassed to state that I have, often, found myself singing the "riding the range" song from the Backyardigans in the car, on the train, while doing chores around the house, etc.

When does this end?

Memento Mori

Nothing like a stomach flu to remind you that you are, after all, just some flesh and bone. Right now, I feel like a snake is crawling through my innards.

New Idea

I am going to incorporate something else into this blog.

As I continue move forward in my life, I have often thought that I would like to give my kids advice about what occurs in my life in an effort impart "experience" to them and, possibly, help them avoid having to learn from the hard consequences of their own mistakes like I did. I know it is a misguided endeavor because all kids have to learn things first hand, but, I will try anyway.

So... here it is... the first entry in my running "advice to my kids" section:

Make sure you have toilet paper before you sit down.

Absurd

At what point did the writers of 24 completely divorce themselves from reality?

Why would Cheng Zhi decide it is a good idea to completely abandon his plan and agree to go to a place of Jack's choosing? This is beyond stupid. The whole point of having the "upper hand" in a transaction such as this is to be able to have control of the environment in which you are engaging in affairs so as to be able to rule out any surprises. Notwithstanding this fact, Cheng goes to a completely new location without the slightest hesitation. Cheng does not know that Jack "went rogue" and, as a result, Cheng did not know that 400 CTU agents were not waiting for him at this site. He would not go there. However, even worse, he goes there in a limo, drawing further attention to himself.

But, aside from this breach in logic, I am further offended by the manner in which he escaped. Whose Humvees were those? They could not have been Cheng's as he had no means by which to plan for his departure. Were they CTU's? If so, where were the men who came in them? I mean, there were three of them.... twelve men. Where are those twelve guys? Did anyone decide it might be a good idea to, ummm, I don't know.... secure a means of escape when you are trying to capture someone? Hell, I will not consider the level of prescience needed to guard the trucks in order to prevent an escape... how about just establishing a perimeter? Someone would be there just to establish a perimeter, but, no one was there... this is just stupid. I am riding this season out on cruise control... hoping against hope that it will pay off in the end.

Mock Draft - Countries - First Round

This draft, perhaps the grandest of draft concepts, is for the one thing that no-one is making any more of… land. In particular, countries.

In this draft, we will be selecting countries over which you will exert absolute, unfettered rule to be administered in any manner you wish. You will be "graded" according to the following criteria in this order: 1) Creativity and wit exhibited in explaining choice 2) Merits of actual choice 3) Ability to maintain your three country empire after the countries are selected.As a corollary to rule three, let it be known that we are all in the same world, so, you have to account for each other's presence. The order of the draft was randomized this morning and is as follows: 1) TC 2) JD 3) TK 4) JS

Three rounds, snaking pattern. Oh yeah… the United States is not eligible for the draft, however, you must account for the presence of the U.S. in the world.

TC First Pick: Australia

With my first pick, I feel it is important to focus on the economics to support my empire. As such, I select Australia with my first pick. Australia comprises the mainland of the world's smallest continent, the major island of Tasmania and a number of other islands in the Southern, Indian, and Pacific Oceans. It is the world's second largest producer of diamonds (by carat) and the third largest producer of gold. In addition, tourism plays a large role in the country's economy.

JD First Pick: China

With the US out of the picture, I’m going to take the next closest thing to a superpower in this day and age, China. With this one pick I give myself: a steamrolling economy, billions of soldiers…er…I mean “citizens” and ample land on which to build cities in my name (D***** City, D*****onia, D***attle, San D***frisco). Now, obviously, I’m going to run into some problems due to the size of the population, but, still, the first thing I will do is get rid of the restrictions on the number of children a family can have. We will sort out any population problems as they arise (are you listening neighbors?). Last but not least, I must mention my burgeoning space program; we’ll be carving Mao’s face into the moon within the decade.

JS: Truly the Albert Pujols/Jose Reyes of the draft, surprised it fell to number two. Shocked that you would not be replacing Mao's mug with your own though. I know I would be. However, the picture would not just be my face, it would be all of me... as painted by Boris Vallejo.

JD: I agree. I love the Aussies, but I didn’t think China would fall to me at number two. I figure I’ll keep Mao around as an icon that I can point to anytime the people start getting restless. Then I can say, “Hey, is this how MAO would have reacted? I didn’t think so. Now, get back to work on my palace!”). Plus, I want to call myself Chairman D*****.

JS: Commie. Looks like the legions of Sparta Novo might have chilly relations with You.

JD: Choose wisely, my friend. Besides, we’ll be even less Communist in D*****ia than China is today. Its all about appearances.

JS: I see. Perhaps I will not be requiring water and earth from you after all.

First TK Pick: Germany

I am selecting Germany.

1) They are a highly educated society with a rich engineering and scientific history. They have some small pockets of socialists that will need to be stamped out and some collective guilt that needs to be worked through but overall they are a people that when properly led can be very productive.

2) Beer and Sausage. Really, do not underestimate that.

3) Military might. The Germans are soldiers. They are the type of soldiers that have shown brilliance in battle from both the Generals to the enlisted men. You can defend the borders and expand when needed, That's right, I am looking at you Austria, Poland, Czech and Slovakia, the Fatherland is calling. I can resist any move by that hothead leading Sparta Novo and I have the diplomatic skill to broker an alliance with my Asian friends under Chairman D******. Watch out if JS takes Russia.

4) Football. No I mean it, American Football, the Germans are the only country in Europe to take to the NFL, these people are intelligent I tell you.

5) The Eagles Nest. http://www.eagles-nest.de/en/kehlsteinhaus.php?navid=1 Are you kidding me? Have you seen this place? Man it is worth taking this Country just for the Bavarian Retreat.

6) Octoberfest. See #2

7) I think I can learn German, really, it is not that far from English.

8) I would be a Kaiser, Kaiser K*****.

9) They hate the French.

10) Finally, Germany is Europe, you can take your France and Russia, but you will know the only reason to have selected them is because you want Germany.

JS First Pick: Russia

With my first pick to live under the noble crimson Lambda of Sparta Novo, I am taking Russia.

1) Historically, attacking Rus is suicide. Any attack on my soil will be dealt with by the three old and reliable Generals of all Russian battles: General Winter, General Snow and General Spring thaw. The Russian people fight like rabid put bulls on steroids and Viagra in the winter and Mother Rus herself swallows tracked vehicles whole in the spring. A pick for Russia is a pick for absolute security.

2) Russia is the second largest oil-producing nation in the world. That means something (I am looking at YOU, my long-time and honored ally D*****ia, with your burgeoning, yet oil-dependant, economy.)

3) Vodka and Pierogies. An important part of ANY nutritious breakfast.

4) St. Johannesburg. (nee St. Petersburg) the Versailles of the East, it is truly a splendor.

5) Variety. I have skiing in the North, beaches in the South, lush fields in the West and Gulags (COUGH) "scenic redevelopment communities" in the East.

6) Hot women. Some of the hottest in the world. Who can discount this factor?

7) Pan-Slavonic unity. Rodina Mat' Zovyot!!! my Czech, Slovak, Bulgarian, Ukrainian, Kazak, Moldovan, Belarusian, Polish and Romanian brothers and sisters.

8) Lastly, the Russian people have historically demonstrated a "cult of personality" toward their leaders which is unfettered. People starving in the Gulag would cry to Stalin... wishing that he only knew what was being done in his name. They are cultural monarchists, which suits me fine.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Two

Second JS Pick: France

My second pick troubled me... however, I am going to have to go with France.

First order of business: The "Spartification" of France because, everybody needs a hobby. While this may require the "displacement" of the current residents, I plan on giving Algeria back to the Foreign Legion and, in a bit of payback, relocating all the National French men there and open up Jean-Marie Bastien-Thiry airport. Bon Chance Froggies. The end result will be a country that still has wine and cheese but with no whining and no cheesy accents. I think I will repopulate France with the Kazaks and the Georgians. They are both a hearty, warlike people who will crush the life out of any remaining current residents and the Georgians are already great winemakers. I will keep all the women though. Traditionally, French women have great lips. Simply put, a world without French culture is a world we will ALL be happier in. You're Welcome.

TC: Oui, let the pussification of Sparta Novo begin!

JD: Russia was an excellent choice! It was very hard for me to pass up the Russkies, who are very near and dear to my heart. You’ve drafted a strong, pragmatic culture, which has also spawned its share of gifted artists and intellectuals. Also, no one suffers with as much dignity and resolve as the Russians (except maybe the Irish). I must point out, however, that you may have hot women in Sparta Novo, but you also have some of the world’s ugliest. Need I remind you of the “big boned,” babushka wearing, mole sporting, vodka swilling ogres we all know so well?

France? The shocker of the draft thus far! Also, from a strategic point of view, I think you could have left France on the board until the last pick and snatched them up without a problem. I think you may be underestimating the weakening effect your French pansies may have on your Spartan men…it won’t necessarily go down as you’ve planned it. You may find some previously hard Spartan men growing doughy and soft while drinking wine, eating cheese and laying on the bank of a river with a beautiful French woman with hairy armpits…and where will the D*****ians be while this is happening? Sharpening their bayonets! Just kidding, we D*****ians love everybody and we developed nuclear technology to heat our homes, not build bombs.

TK: As Marc Antony explained to Vorinus as he prepared to takes his own life in the palace of Egypt, better to die at a place where Alexander the Great once walked then in a ditch in Gaul. Sums up France perfectly, it has always been despised.

JS: Chairman D*****, without doubt, I chose to exterminate France as a boon to us all. Your oil dependant nation which shares a cultural, historical and political alignment with Mother Russia will, no doubt, celebrate with me in their extermination in St. Johannesburg this summer, no?

TK: Do not trust the talk of the forked tounge diplomat. The Ambassador of Sparta Novo should be treated like the dog that he is. Send him home to his ruler to explain that the alliance of Chaiman D*****and Kaiser K***** cannot be broken by promises of a summer barbecue in that open sewer on the Baltic.

TK: I see a game of Axis and Allies in our future.

JS: Well, I see we have foregone diplomatic formalities and chosen to make an enemy of the Spartans in a most boorish and uncivilized manner. Check yourself Kaiser, a war with me is a war on two fronts. We all know how that worked out for you last time. You might have to take Argentina or Brazil with your last pick just to have some place to run to.

TK: Well, I am counting on the fact that you mass genocide of the French will lead to the US invading and freeing the French in short order. So it is you that would benefit from your own advice. I see you lasting all of two years in France.

JS: Mass genocide? Why, such sanguinary thoughts, even from the likes of you, come a surprise. If your read the details of my choice, I merely intend to relocate them to a sunny, pleasant country formally known as Algiers, under the steady, even and fair rule of the Foreign Legion. Clearly, this will spark no such outrage from the United States.

TK: Power of the press my friend, power of the press, if you think that in todays modern age that your plan would not be exposed you are crazy. Face it, you underestimated your own rules when you left the U.S. as a wildcard in the game. Mass relocation/genocide may work in the Sudan and go unnoticed but in France? You are asking for intervention.

JS: Intervention by whom? The U.N.? I will simply not sign the return receipt for their strongly worded letters and claim I never got them, that will get me off the hook. Also, I think you overestimate the cultural significance and sympathetic feelings toward the French. If you really think that, after our recent history, the U.S. population would countenance a war with Sparta Novo over an entirely domestic dispute concerning the French, you may be enjoying too much Hoegaarten

TK: Someone is already drunk on his imaginary power. The U.S. exists, your actions would result in trade sanctions, escalation, and eventually Germany will invite the U.S. to cooperate in the multi-national force that will free the French Citizens, then I will volunteer my forces to maintain the peace in the former French province of Sparta Novo, ruling as I see fit.

JS: Those are strong words coming from a boozy Bavarian buffoon sandwiched in between a rock and a hard place. Like I said... take Argentina. It is your only hope.

TK: Maybe TC was smart to take Australia, you are clearly looking to escalate this to a Def-Con 1 condition. By the way, I was watching Wargames the other day and deicded that the NORAD DefCon step ladder neon sign would have to enter into my top 10 movie props I would like to own. Imagine that in your office, your secretary walks in and sees you on the phone, as the sign clicks from Defcon 3 to Defcon 2. Why Homeland security went with the color chart is beyond me. Defcon all the way. I see it slotted in behind the pinball machine from the Accussed and behind Billy Baroo, but ahead of Fredo's boat. I think Mesallas chariot is a differnet category now.

JS: To the contrary... Sparta Novo wants nothing more than to peacefully co-exist in this world... just without the French. You misinterpret my desire to eradicate, umm.. err... relocate the French as some sort of veiled check on German sovereignty. I assure you, no such legerdemain exists. The Spartan history is one of defense and preservation of our homeland. I have my French helots and, left to my own, you will find I am a amicable neighbor and, if treated with mutual respect, a formidable ally. However, if provoked, no greater enemy can you find.

And, by the way, the Norad DEFCON sign should definitely be on the top ten. Not higher than the Idol from Raiders though.

TK: The idol is cooler then the ark. Interestingly, whenever I do that list, nothing from the Star Wars movies stands out as must have, similarly, the LOTR trilogy misses as well, I am guessing it is the other worldy nature of the objects that takes away the value in real life. Whereas these examples ring true at all levels.

Diplomatically I will accept your offer, however intellectually, I will be bragging that your concession to peace is more a result of my correct prediction that the U.S. would join against you should you continue to eradicate the French from France. You are stuck with a French France, face it.

JS: The idol is cooler than the Ark because you can put it on your mantle and let it speak for itself. You have to build a whole Temple of Solomon for the Ark and, really, who has the time for that?

Intellectually, you can brag to yourself all you want, but, you can not get over the fact that you know I am right about the U.N. being nothing more than a traffic cop on valium standing in the middle of the Turnpike and the fact that the U.S. citizenry do not have the stomach for a war which entails nothing but the relocation of French citizens to a warmer, sunnier clime. Seriously, I can see the peace demonstration signs now... "NO BLOOD FOR FROMAGE!!!"

TK: Perhaps I need clarification, you have drafted the country, your control of the Country is assumed how? You obviously are implying that a force will need to land and control the population, or is it the case that your leadership is universally accepted by both your new citizens and the worlds nations? If you have already been placed in power through legitimate channels then you are correct, your moving the French out of France would be tolerated, but since you are indicating a world where the U.N. still exists then I need to keep that in mind and so do you. Your actions would be subject to outside pressure. Plus, since I currently do not have a permanent seat on the security council I may need to obtain one.

Second TK Pick : South Africa

Anyone else see that coming? I believe JS has cemented the alliance between Chairman JD and myself. I am taking South Africa with my next pick. South Africa is a middle-income, emerging market with an abundant supply of natural resources; well-developed financial, legal, communications, energy, and transport sectors; a stock exchange that ranks among the 10 largest in the world; and a modern infrastructure supporting an efficient distribution of goods to major urban centers throughout the region

1) Rich and varied country, the beaches of Cape Town and Natal, the lush verdant plains of the upper veldt, a Nation in need of strong leadership.

2) Untapped labor markets and my German citizens have a knack for getting strong performance out of this labor.

3) The power of sub Saharan Africa, its military resources will control enormous natural resources.

4) Rugby. They are not the best but they play a very hard nosed style.

5) Diamonds. Just a few, not to mention the gold, chromium, antimony, coal, iron ore, manganese, nickel, phosphates, tin, uranium, gem diamonds, platinum, copper, vanadium, salt, and natural gas.

6) Safaris.

7) Majority Christian population, this is important, while there will be civil unrest it will not be based on religious lines, easier to control that unrest.

8) Same Time zone as Berlin. My citizens will be more productive because of this.

Problems

1) HIV over 21 % of population. A massive effort and expense will be needed to control this problem.

2) Infrastructure and Education. Again, this is a leadership issue, given the allegiance to Germany and its direct interest, I believe things will turn around.

3) Race relations. Admitted this is a problem. See # 3 above. But if JS can kill all the French I should be able to find a more reasonable solution to this issue.

4) Water. Desalination plants. Tap the Ocean. Also with Global warming, just go harvest some of that Antarctic shelf. First Order of business, Take out Mugabe and liberate Zimbabwe. Second order of business, invest heavily in Rugby Union to beat Australia and humiliate Tim at the Tri-Nations. George Gregan sucks.

TC: Alas, but when I invade and acquire New Zealand, our national rugby prowess will be unmatched!

Second JD Pick: Japan

I will reserve all talk of alliances until I see the final selections. I don’t want to line up with someone and then find they’ve chosen Haiti with their last pick (no offense to the Haitians, but, come on, that place is a mess). For now I say to the Kaiser, the King of Sparta and the Prime Minister of Australia that you are all equally within the favor of D*****ia for the time being. My next choice doesn’t offer much in terms of land but has the world’s tenth largest population and offers a wealth of “intangibles.” I choose JAPAN.

1. Its nestled nicely in the neighborhood of the my homeland so I won’t be stretched too thin across the globe.

2. It has exhibited a strong warrior culture throughout its history from the age of the samurai through WWII. If the need arises, I can quickly assemble a citizen army that exhibits a fight-to-the-last-man-even-if the-last-man-has-nothing-but-his-fingernails-left-and-is-up-against-a-Sherman-tank attitude. One word, “Bushido!”

3. The population is technologically proficient (probably more so than any other county on the planet) and economically sophisticated. Perhaps we can figure out a way to deal with our “oil dependency” issues, but if not, I’m sure we’ll have the financial clout to take care of that problem without siphoning funds from more important projects, such as the newest wonder of the modern world, the Collossus at D***** City.

4. Japan is respected worldwide diplomatically. Ever since the end of WWII, no one has really had a problem with Japan; except for China, which is now mine, and Korea, which I suspect will be extremely deferential given the new power structure in the region. We need someone to smooth over the ruffled feathers that will surely result from my heavy-handed foreign policy.

5. Due for increasing amounts of capital coming from the US via the Major League Baseball bidding process.

6. Kobe beef, saki and sushi. Its hardly a good plate of meat and potatoes, but that’s some seriously good sh**.

7. The workforce is educated, diligent and healthy, with one of the longest life expectancies in the world. Longer life = more work accomplished for the greater glory of D******.

8. Toyota, Honda, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Sony, Toshiba…

9. Home to some seriously hot women, who seem all the hotter because they respect their men. In an age where the stay-at-home dad is gaining acceptance in the US, Japan remains a place where men are men. Plus, if You Only Live Twice is accurate, I will have my pick of the women because of the hair on my chest and arms. Alas, we will not be players on the world rugby circuit, but I challenge anyone to step up to the ping pong table with D*******!

JS: ping pong table!!!! HA!!! Good stuff. You might want to find a nice name for Nanking though. You know... neutral... not referencing history... try not use the letters "R", "A" "P" or "E" either. If your seat of power is in China, you might have a problem governing the "superior" folk in Nippon.... Just sayin'.

JD: Worry not. Nanking will be renamed "Super Happy Peace and Unity Land" (or at least that is what it will translate to). Each year we will have “D***** Days,” a gymnastics and martial arts competition to celebrate how wonderful it is to peacefully co-exist under the leadership of Chairman D*****.

TC Second Pick: England

Ok, now that I am fed, I am ready to makemy final two picks. First, recognizing that there can be hostility amongst the nations, I wanted to select a country that is both strong and connected. Therefore, with my second pick I choose the United Kingdom. It is a permanent member of the UN Security Council.It hasthe second largest military expenditure next to the U.S. It is the U.S.'s closest ally. Upon acquisition, the first thing I will do is to removalthe provincial status of Northern Ireland and proclaim that it will be from hereon forth recognized as part of the Republic of Ireland.

Mock Draft - Countries- Round Three

Third Round

TC: I waited until the draft came back to me before really laboring through my comments on the other rulers' choices. But now the time has come.

China: I wrestled with the idea of choosing them first. However, although they may be the largest army on earth, they are not nearly the strongest one. They are poorly trained and equipped. Its 8,500 tanks are slow, small and out-of-date. The 4,000 fighter planes in the Chinese air force are mostly from the 1960s and 1970s and lack modern avionics. Its navy's 61 submarines and 54 surface ships are capable of little more than coastal patrols.

In addition, the Chinese military forces are obligated with enormous responsibilities in defending the country's thousands upon thousands of kilometers of boundaries and coastlines. All this while being subject to military weapons sales restrictions from the United States. While Japan, Britain, Israel and Australia, all allies of the United States, can buy the most advanced weapons directly from the United States and share the latest military purpose software, China has to develop all this on its own. (Although, Emperor D***** may have tempered the significance of this issue with his acquisition of Japan). For these reasons I shied away from China. However, there is something to be said for the idea that you put 100 rifles on the ground and then put 100 men behind each one of them.

Germany: An excellent pick! Although, I wonder what Kaiser K***** will due with the skinhead uprisings against the immigrant population. Hmm, how does one quell riots?

Russia: Historically, another solid choice. Tradition adds to the luster of the pick. However, there are issues here as well. If Sparta Novo plans on making a move on Kaiser K*****'s territories, shouldn't it first deal with the various itstans of the former Soviet Union? Uniting the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is a tall order. At least JS's communist blood will finally run proud!

France: France? France? Ok, Sparta Novo is clearly trying to position itself to take over all of Europe. There may be a plan to "relocate" the indigenous French population. However, it appears that the women will remain. Doesn't Sparta Novo appreciate the history of this land? Many cultures have invaded France throughout the years. It falls like a house of cards. However, the French culture still remains! Its snooty, annoying, condescending, pansy-ass culture is like a weed that cannot be killed! Me thinks that this will be Sparta Novo's version of the "War on Drugs." A battle that in theory is valiant, will nevertheless be fruitless!

South Africa: Apparently Kaiser K***** likes racial/nationalistic strife! While a remarkably good choice from an economic standpoint. South Africa has rich mineral resources. It is the world's largest producer and exporter of gold and platinum and also exports a significant amount of coal. The value-added processing of minerals to produce ferroalloys, stainless steels, and similar products is a major industry and an important growth area. The country's diverse manufacturing industry is a world leader in several specialized sectors, including railway rolling stock, synthetic fuels, and mining equipment and machinery.

In addition, South Africa's major trading partners include the United Kingdom, the United States, Germany, Italy, Belgium, China, and Japan. Certainly diplomatic ties between Kerwin and Dillon is looking good.

Now the bad. And when we say bad, we mean really bad! Kaiser K***** acknowledged the HIV issue in South Africa, but his spin doctors ignore the seriousness. South Africa is one of the countries most affected by HIV with more than 6 million HIV infected individuals. Nearly 20% of the 15-49 year old population is infected and in parts of the country up to 40% of women of child-bearing age are infected. Maybe Kaiser K***** plans on using South Africa as a slave colony to funnel money to the motherland?

Japan: Another excellent choice! A great compliment to China. Emperor Dillon is definitely seeking balance while trying to limit his weaknesses. Kudos!

TC Third Pick: Vatican City

With my last pick I thought about the sheer numbers of China. I was going to take India figuring that300,000,000 less people is merely a drop in the bucket. Then I had a better idea. I decided to pick a small country that exercise great powerover many. As such, with my last pick I choose to acquire VaticanCity. Although it is a landlocked sovereign city-state whose territory consists of a walled enclave within the city of Rome,it is still the smallest independent nation in the world. To demonstrate itspower as the center of the Roman Catholic church, here is a list of RomanCatholic countries:

1)Andorra, 2)Argentina, 3)Austria, 4)Belgium, 5)Belize, 6)Bolivia, 7)Brazil, 8)Burundi, 9)Chile, 10)Colombia, 11)Congo, Democratic Republic of the, 12)Congo, Republic of the, 13)Costa Rica, 14)Croatia, 15)Dominica, 16)Dominican Republic, 17)East Timor, 18)Ecuador, 19)El Salvador, 20)France, 21)Grenada, 22)Guatemala, 23)Haiti, 24)Honduras, 25)Hungary, 26)Ireland, 27)Italy, 28)Kiribati, 29)Liechtenstein, 30)Lithuania, 31)Luxembourg, 32)Malta, 33)Mexico 34)Micronesia, Federated States of, 35)Monaco, 36)Nicaragua, 37)Panama, 38)Paraguay, 39)Peru, 40)Philippines, 41)Poland, 42)Portugal, 43)Rwanda, 44)Saint Lucia, 45)San Marino, 46)Seychelles, 47)Slovakia, 48)Spain, 49)Uruguay and 50)Venezuela.

Invade the HolySee and you run the risk of pissing off a lot of other countries!

JS: Well played, Sir... however, as Pope, either you have to proclaim that priests can now have sex, or, you will never get laid again....ever.

TC: I sense a Vatican III coming.

JS: Well, considering you have done such savage violence to the time-honored historical and spiritual epicenter of the Catholic world by proclaiming yourself as Pope... I guess I just have to find the true Pope Benedict XVI and have him set up a new shop in Avignon. Antipope TC... I like the sound of that. My France pick is really picking up steam as the "sleeper" pick of the draft.

TC: Whatever gets you to sleep as night, Ruler of France…

JS: And by "Ruler of France" you mean Imperator of Sparta Novo, whose lands stretch across the whole of Russia, who has subsumed two members of the UN Security council and the G8, exerts dominion over the sixth and ninth largest economies in the world, whose nation is the number one tourist destination in the world and, now, home to the legitimate seat of the Catholic church? OK.

TC: Alas Sparta Novo is drunk with high ideas that tourism will remain high in an area where forced relocation is at hand. And his false religion?! Pleasse!

JS: So it IS true... you have set yourself up as a new Pope. You have, in effect, taken all those countries you listed and allied them with me. Spiritual power lies not with a tract of land, but, in the expanses of the soul. See? I am already beginning to sound like a spiritual leader.

TC: It was a bloodless coup.

JS: Oh... Heaven surely shines upon Antipope TC for not executing Benedict XVI upon his assumption of power.

TC: What are you talking about? Pope Benedict suffered a stroke and passed away peacefully. The College of Cardinals met and we now have Pope TC I.

JS: Not sure about that...

JD: Seems on the up and up to me... The Roman Catholic D*****ians will undoubtedly accept the new Pope. As much as the Imperator of Sparta may cry and protest, his allegations will fall on deaf ears absent evidence of a cover up.

JS: Well, last time I checked... you can not legislate the affairs of the soul. Two words for you, Falun Gong.

JD: Hey man, that’s China’s hang-up. D*****ia is fine with the Falun Gong. I can picture the photo-op now: Chairman D***** demonstrates Falun Gong meditative poses to recently released political prisoners. I’ll get the freaking Nobel Peace Prize for that.

JS: I am not saying that Falun Gong will give you trouble, I am merely using them as an example of the fact that your can not, by law, tell someone how to worship. As a result, your statement that the D*****ian Catholics will accept the Antipope TC I is somewhat lacking.

TC: Oh Sparta Novo how you are determined to be an island unto you self. Go ahead, pick Cuba. Bring the Cold War back full circle!

JD Third Pick: Brazil

While India seems like the no-brainer choice to complete the empire that I started with China and Japan, I just can’t do it. Instead, I’m going to round out the D*****ian Federation with BRAZIL. TC, say hello to your new best friend, because Brazil has the largest Roman Catholic population in the world. Obvious reasons for this choice include:

1) Rio de Janeiro – my hardworking citizens in China and Japan needs somewhere to kick back and blow off some steam and I don’t want their hard-earned Dillos (the national currency) going to France!

2) Women…enough said.

3) At least I’ll have a chance of winning the World Cup every four years; unfortunately it will be the soccer World Cup. Still, I need something I can watch on TV.

4) One of the coolest flags in the world. “Order and Progress” I like the sound of that.

Most importantly, this choice is about one thing…ETHANOL, baby! It’s the wave of the future and with Brazil under my control as part of a cartel with the US, I will have no need to play nice with the oil producing countries. Brazil is going to be THE major player in the market for Ethanol. Its not going to matter that China’s military is outdated. We’re going to scrap what we have and build new, ethanol burning super-tanks!

Third TK Pick: Saudi Arabia

I was going to take Brazil, so I will confess a nice selection by JD. Surprising that India is out there still, but really I am not impressed by the subcontinent. I am leaning in two directions right now, both have abundant oil supplies, both have significant impact on the regions they occupy, and both have a history of obeying either one man rule or a small oligarchy. I have decided that despite the greening of the world the fact is for the next 50 years oil will still dominate the world economy, therefore I am taking Saudi Arabia.

Positives

1) 25% of the worlds proven oil reserves.

2) Control of the Red Sea and Persian Gulf if properly motivated.

Negatives

1) Its a fucking desert. Really, Hot and dirty.

2) The Muslim issue. Not sure if being in control of the holy shrines is sitting on a keg of gunpowder or not.

3) History of terrorism and terrorist acts by a minority seeking change. Again, issues.

But to control the taps of this much oil that is easily extracted, I could not risk John shoring up Russia supplies with the Kingdom of Saud. This was strictly a strategic move.

To be fair, I like TC's idea behind the Vatican/Pope move but I think he overestimates the impact faith has on geopolitics. You might be able to rally people against abortion, gay marriage etc. but actual involvement in the governing of nations is minimal. The Pope may have served as a rallying point for eastern block citizens in he cold war but that was more symbolic then anything. With his England pick, I would say TC has decided to take over the weakest part of the former British Empire, if that was his plan he should have reclaimed either Canada or India instead of going for the symbolic title.

JD made three solid selections but will have limited influence outside of Asia. Brazil struggles with its infrastructure problems and South America is easily ignored. He will control Australia however, TC seems unaware of the critical trade needed between Australia and China/Japan and will find his bargaining power at trade talks very limited.

I admit that JS' sandwiching of France and Russia places Germany in a bind, I will need to cultivate strong US ties to limit his aggressions. I think the control of oil will help in that area. Plus maybe I can stabilize the mid-east with my presence.

JS: You are "not sure" if Germany being in control of the Muslim holy shrines is like sitting on a keg of gunpowder?

I am going to go ahead and say "yes" on that.

Good luck keeping that population under control. I pretty much figured we were avoiding the middle eastern countries under the unspoken agreement that any non-Muslim power exerted over that nation is doomed. Hey, I wish you the best. Good Luck, you are going to need it.

With that pick in the hopper, I am going to go with the country that TK should have taken...

JS Third Pick: Venezuela.

Venezuela has a history of accepting the lowest and most degenerate forms of government with a subservient and complacent tolerance. How well will they finally flourish under the beatific and benevolent rulership of Imperator Johannes Augustus Caesar? It will be their golden age. Also, if you check the stats, more Miss Universes have hailed from Venezuela than from anywhere else. Moreover, I figure that if the USA tolerates the crap that Chavez dishes out now because of their oil, they will tolerate my Spartification of France without a moments hesitation and, amazingly, we will become fast friends. With the final pick of Venezuela, not only have I shored up my control of the UN Security Council and placed my footprint squarely in the middle of the the G8, but, I am now a member of OPEC and have exerted my influence into both hemispheres. In an interesting turn of events, Kaiser TK and I seemingly now have some serious common interests... friend Kaiser, planning on joining me in St. Johannesburg this summer or should I meet with you at the Eagle's Nest in the Fall?